As I moved through my journey with my son I was challenged to accept reality; to accept what is. Eckhart Tolle was the spiritual teacher who brought to my awareness the idea that 'resistance is insanity'. Resistance doesn't change the event that I'm resisting because the event has already occurred. Instead my resistance changes me into someone who is angry, frustrated and discouraged. Because of my intention to live peacefully and joyfully I needed to learn to accept reality.

When I share this hard earned wisdom in my counseling or presentations I'm often asked for a tool or strategy to assist one to accept reality. One of the more effective tools I have utilized over the last few years is a strategy I learned from my wife Darlene. When ever something unexpected would happen - a dropped dish, spilled milk, a sink overflowing, a scratch on the car, Darlene would respond with the expression, "Nothing happened".

The simplicity of this strategy is what makes it so effective. What Darlene's phrase does is it reminds me that in the grand scheme of things the dropped dish, the spilled milk, the sink overflowing is really nothing. And thus there is no point in moving into anger or frustration over 'nothing'.

In Tolle's recent book A New Earth, Tolle shares the story of a woman diagnosed with terminal cancer. Tolle visited the woman regularly to assist her in coping with her condition. During one of the visits Tolle arrived to find the woman in a state of great distress. The woman reported that the cause of her distress was because a ring that had great monetary and sentimental value had gone missing. The woman was certain an individual who was caring for her had taken it.

Tolle's response was to ask her a few simple questions. "Do you realize that you will have to let go of the ring at some point, perhaps quite soon?" "Will you become less of a person when you let go of the ring?" "Has who you are become diminished by the loss of the ring?"

Through Tolle's questions and the woman's willingness to deeply reflect upon the answers the woman came to recognize that she was not diminished by the loss of the ring. She was the same person as before. In addition the woman recognized that her anger and suffering was the result of thinking that her identity was tied to the possession of an object. These questions were Tolle's way of saying, "nothing happened".

I've come to recognize that much of my suffering has been the result of allowing my happiness to be tied to things being a particular way. I held on to stories and expectations that in the grand scheme of things were really 'nothing'. By learning to see the 'nothingness' of these material possessions, by learning to see the 'nothingness' of insisting life  show up in a particular way I have been able to hold onto my peace and joy more easily.

A colleague of mine who is regularly hired to consult corporations often uses the following quote when assisting these businesses to stay focused on their goals. Ross states - "If everything is important, then nothing is important." His message is that in order to be successful we need to be able to discern what is important from what is not important, and then focus our attention on the important things.

While Ross's statement has profound wisdom, I like the simplicity and the grace that is expressed with my wife's expression. "Nothing happened."  Try it the next time someone steps outside of your story of what should or shouldn't happen, when a dish gets dropped, a drink spilled, a child comes home with dirt on their clothes, a colleague makes a mistake, or a partner disappoints us.

In my view what is important is to hold on to our peace and joy regardless of what life offers.

In peace,

Ted