Peace Begins With Me
   Ideas and Inspiration
June 2008
Issue #7
Greetings!

This month's feature article was inspired by a number of separate, but related events. One, a conversation with a young woman who is struggling with her fear and anger. The second was recent comments made by US President George Bush on the wisdom of engaging in dialogue with "terrorists and radicals". And finally, a chance hearing of an interview on CBC Radio with Professor Alan Young of York University and Director of The Innocence Project.

The second article are thoughts about the childhood game of 'musical chairs'. This is an excerpt from Peace Begins With Me.

Finally, a short video clip from my last Vancouver presentation is now available on You Tube. To view, click 'Peace Begins With Me on You Tube'.

It is my hope that that you experience greater peace and joy this month.


Ted
 
Beyond Black & White.
The Limits of Living in a Polarized World
Ted head shot
A young woman came to see me this week. Lisa was angry and scared. Lisa was angry at the amount of suffering she was experiencing, and scared that nothing would change. Lisa's suffering was as a result of her inability to work through differences with her spouse and family successfully. Differences in opinion, perception, or values usually resulted in conflict.

Upon deeper investigation the cause of Lisa's suffering became apparent. Nowhere in her past was Lisa exposed to individuals who modeled collaborative problem solving. No one had taught Lisa the skills of respecting differences and creating win-win solutions. Rather, Lisa was taught to win at all costs which often meant making others lose.

Lisa admitted to "being stubborn" - to sticking with a position or perception even when she knew it to be incorrect or inaccurate. Lisa diagnosed her situation as caused by 'a stubborn personality'. I didn't buy her story. No one chooses a position that doesn't work out of pure stubbornness. The truth was Lisa was afraid. Lisa was afraid to be wrong. Life had treated Lisa badly when she was wrong. And so Lisa rarely admitted to being wrong. Instead, Lisa needed to make others wrong so that she could be right.

Lisa is not unusual. Most people are suffering. Most are unable to create win-win solutions. It's not for lack of desire or trying. It's for lack of knowing how. Let's face it, most of our role models today demonstrate a competitive style of living; a style where someone wins and the rest lose. Whether it's commerce, sports, politics, the legal system, or war.

The question is, Does this way of living work? What are the consequences of viewing life through the lens of win-lose, right-wrong, good-bad? The result is a conflicted community. A divided community. Anger and suffering. The state of our world today, with numerous wars occurring simultaneously is a reflection of our failure to engage in problem solving strategies that honours differences.

In a recent address given by US President George Bush, Bush mocked President hopeful Senator Barack Obama for his willingness to dialogue with Iran, North Korea, Cuba, and other "enemies". Bush called this action "foolish delusion". The world is a reflection of our consciousness at this time.

The good news is that individuals like Lisa are tired of the suffering. They are angry at losing. They want to find another way, a better way. Better ways do exist, however we must be willing to let go of seeing the world through the lens of win-lose. We must identify what it is we are committed to and then doing everything in our power to move in this direction.

Recently I heard an interview on CBC radio with Professor Alan Young. Young is a professor of law at York University's Osgoode Hall and Director of The Innocence Project - a program to address the problem of wrongfully convicted indivduals. In the interview Professor Young told of admonishing his students who come to him boasting that they had "won their first case". His response was, "I don't want to hear you say you won. What I want to hear is that justice was served." Unfortunately our justice system is similar to the other systems in our society. It is focused on winning and losing rather than on creating justice. Similarly our system of national security produces winners and losers rather than peace. And our political system produces winners and losers rather than good government.

Its time we grew up. Its time we transcended seeing the world in such simple and reductive ways. Its time we found ways where everyone is honoured. Our future depends on it.

My country is the world.
To do good is my religion.
Thomas Paine

The Impact of Musical Chairs
Excerpts from Peace Begins With Me
Some people assume we already know and possess the skills for peaceful co-existence. I believe otherwise. I observe that
for the most part, we are socialized and conditioned to behave in competitive and controlling ways rather than peaceful and cooperative ways. Let me demonstrate with a simple example.

Consider the game of musical chairs. This is a game commonly played at children's parties and other social gatherings where young children are present. It is a simple game. Chairs are placed back-to-back in a single row. The number of chairs is always one chair less than the number of children. The children are instructed to dance around the chairs while music is played. When the music stops the children are to find an empty
chair and sit on it. Given there is an insufficient number, one child will be without. The child who fails to obtain a seat is out of the game. Another chair is removed to maintain the status of one less chair than the number of children and the game continues. Eventually there is one winner.

What philosophy is this game based on? What skills are being encouraged? What experience is being created? In my own experience, first as a participant and more recently as the facilitator of this game, I've consistently witnessed the following outcome - one happy winner and many unhappy losers. Often it is the strongest, fastest, and
aggressive child who wins while the gentle and more considerate are the first to lose.

It appears there are two premises underlying this game: "There is not enough to go around," and "Nice people finish last". Some people such as Charles Darwin might be pleased with a game based on a survival-of-the-fittest theme. However, I think it is time we ask, "Does this game reflect the kind of society we wish to create for ourselves? Are
the skills of aggression and competition the ones we want our children to master?"

Consider the potential impact of the same game played by a different set of rules. What if a chair is removed every round as before, but instead the children must figure a way to collectively sit on the diminishing number of chairs? What might be the outcome of a game where cooperation and creativity are the ingredients to success, a game where no one is lost or excluded for not being good enough or strong enough? What kind of qualities would this game nurture in our children? What kind of a society might these children create when they become its leaders?

Taken from Peace Begins With Me pp. 5 - 6.
Message of Peace
"I am as I am, and you are as you are.
Let's build a world where I can be me,
and not have to cease being me.
Where you can be you,
without having to cease being you.
A world where many worlds fit."

Leader of Sandinista Rebels
Thank you for sharing these few moments with me. I hope they offer you inspiration, heart, and hope for the future. Together, we can make our world more peaceful.

If you have questions or comments, I would be delighted to hear from you. You can email me at [email protected]

 Sincerely,
 
Ted Kuntz
Author, Peace Begins With Me
In This Issue
Beyond Black & White
The Impact of Musical Chairs
A Message of Peace

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