Pregnancy & Parenting in the Valley

Birthdays... what emotionally charged events they can be for parents and young children! I remember the exquisite nostalgia that I experienced on each of my sons' first birthdays; the amazement that such a full year had already passed, and the rising-up of vivid memories of each of their births. For many kids, the excitement and anticipation rank up there with the other "high holidays" of the year.

And then there's the potentially negative side of the emotional charge - the high expectations, the sometimes excessive pile of gifts, the pressure that parents put on themselves to give an over-the-top party.

Next month, I'll be co-creating my older son's 11th birthday celebration with him. Since the first one, I have tried to create celebrations that were low-stress, low-budget, and meaningful for everyone involved. Here are some of the 'alternative' birthday traditions we've enjoyed over the years.

Telling the child the story of his birth. Both of my sons have loved this. The story changes year to year, reflecting their growing understanding and what they need to know about themselves. Sometimes the story includes my pregnancy with them- the delicious anticipation leading to the moment of knowing that it was going to be a Birth-Day.

Making a bouquet of orange, yellow, and red flowers in the number of the birthday, and remembering that birthdays mark a full circle 'round the sun.

Designing hand-made birthday invites. Once or twice we've done them all handmade- but most years we make it easier by photocopying the final draft. This year I offered to help my older son do his as an e-vite; he gave me a funny look and said he'd done plenty of work on the computer lately, and he'd really rather do it by hand!

Adding phrasing to the party invite along the lines of "Your presence is a present- no other gift is expected!". Admittedly, this was much easier to do when they were little. They still enjoyed opening several presents from aunts, uncles, grandparents, immediate family, and the occasional friend who just couldn't help themselves. Until about age 4, this tradition went unquestioned. When they became aware that most other kids got a present from each party guest, we talked about the real significance of birthdays and how much nicer it is to have a few wonderful toys rather than a big pile of 'cheapo plastic' stuff.

Eventually that tradition evolved into a choice for the boys; they could invite as many kids as they wanted to, including "the phrase" in the invitation; or they could invite a number of kids corresponding to the age they were turning, and leave the phrase out. They chose to invite all their friends. In the past year or so, this tradition has waned in our family, but I still feel good about it having set a more moderate level of expectations. Another mother suggests adding a note to the invite that asks guests to "Please give green, by giving 'family gifts,' consumables, or a family gift card to somewhere like a museum or the zoo".

One-on-one gift opening- When friends or family do choose to give a wrapped gift, I always ask the giver to sit with the birthday boy as he unwraps it. There's no general announcement of "present time!"- it's just between the giver and the receiver. I definitely intend to keep to this tradition, as I find that even years later, my kids remember who gave them what. I think it allows the giver a more pleasant experience, and avoids the adrenaline-rush-performance I've seen some kids endure as they frantically unwrap 20 presents in 15 minutes.

Letters to the birthday child. For a first or second birthday, I always suggest asking family and friends to write a letter to the child. I ask that they tell a story about the child or share some observations about him, something that he might enjoy reading when he's about ten years old. I've saved these letters and set them aside in a special box. Some friends have given a small symbolic gift along with their letter- a beautiful little stone, a bright feather, a picture. This year, I'll pull that box out of the archives for my older son. I wonder what treasures he'll find inside...?