 Meet The New Boss,
Same As The Old Boss by Peter Metzner
No single factor more clearly predicts job satisfaction than the relationship with the boss. So say the folks at the Gallup organization. After interviewing well over 100,000 people, they found that four out of five individuals leave their jobs because of difficulties in getting along with their manager or supervisor.
What's more surprising though, is many find themselves right back in the same situation, with a boss as bad as the one they just left. We've all worked for a tyrant at one time or another. It's frustrating, stressful and unnecessary, but it happens - apparently to some people more than others.
An overly controlling or rigid manager can shut people down and create a climate of fear, stress, and dissatisfaction. However, an employee who doesn't learn to be assertive, set boundaries and manage his/her own career, will likely recreate the circumstances that allow each new boss to treat him the same way. The names, places and people may change, but the issues remain, perpetuating an endless cycle of disappointment and distress.
In my years of coaching individuals and teams, I've found generally that both manager and employee contribute to the bad situation, often arriving at outcomes that neither really wants. Yes, your boss may be a jerk, but as they say, "it takes two to tango." It may be time to turn a critical eye inward, accept responsibility, and break the cycle that has been causing the same unhappy work life again and again.
Author James Hollis asserts, "What we're unaware of, owns us." In essence, you may unknowingly be contributing to the mistreatment you receive, by assuming the role of "victim" or "enabler." If you act like a pin cushion, people will stick pins in you.
Work relationships, like family relationships, come with sometimes irritating and annoying behaviors. Family relationships survive because "love" is shared and this bond helps holds it all together. But work relationships are generally "loveless," so you need to find other connecting points. Both you and your boss may share common goals - earning a living, feeling a sense of accomplishment, and having a successful life, to name a few.
Sigmund Freud was once asked in a lecture, "What is needed for a successful life?" Surprisingly, he answered in only two words: "Lieben und Arbeiten: To give and receive love -- and to do work that is right for you." If you are not living your values in purposeful or meaningful ways, you may be doing work that is not right for you - and there is no boss that will ever be able to fill that void.
"If our work does not support our soul, then the soul will extract its butcher's bill elsewhere," says Hollis, manifesting in such symptoms as boredom, depression, burnout, to name a few. When we try to escape these feelings, we often develop such diversionary habits as drug or alcohol abuse, overeating, addiction to television or the internet - or we may manifest it in anger and frustration at the external world, including blaming the boss. But no matter the diversion, the symptoms will recur unless we make changes that will bring authentic happiness and satisfaction to our work and lives.
To break this cycle, you'll need to do some "inner work." Start by taking charge of yourself. Here are some tips for getting started:
Acknowledge your role in the dynamics of the situation. When you are overcome by negative feelings, unhappiness or stress, accept that these may be guides showing you that something needs to change in your life. When you can name what is bothering you, you can address it. Like the reins of a horse, your emotions will tell you if you are on the right or wrong track.
Get straight with yourself that you have some value. If your boss doesn't see it, then you have to show him. Point out your accomplishments. It's not bragging if it's true. Let the boss know that you aim to advance your career in spite of him.
Alter your expectations. You get what you expect. Change your outlook with daily ritual that puts you in a good mood. Expect positive things to happen and reject the pull toward skepticism and scorn. After all, it's your life.
Talk to your boss. If you open a dialogue about your stress and frustration, you may be surprised at how receptive he might be. Bad bosses often don't know how bad they are until someone openly communicates with them. If you're worried about your ability to discuss it calmly, try presenting it in writing. Be specific. Bad bosses are notoriously poor at reading between the lines.
Control what you can control. Okay, it's a bit cliché, but it's true. Your frustration and stress do nothing to change the situation. You can choose to be frustrated and stressed - or you can choose not to be frustrated and stressed. Either way, the outcome is the same.
If all else fails, wait it out. Sooner or later, your boss will be promoted, transferred or fired. Since most people get a new boss every two years, your situation is just temporary - it's not your life. Eventually you'll have a new boss. Just knowing this should bring a smile to your face.
Of course, you still have the option to quit anytime, but you don't make good decisions by getting away from something - you make them by moving toward something. Bailing out is akin to stepping out on a ledge. There's no place to go but down. In the end, your best defense is to alter your behavior patterns, so that you "don't get fooled again."
Peter Metzner is an Adjunct Teleclass Leader with MeaningfulCareers.com and President of Dynamic Change, Inc. in Chapel Hill, NC., which specializes in personal and executive coaching, facilitation and consulting services that provide individuals, leaders and teams insight and tools that lead toward greater clarity of purpose and mission. |
