When Roger and I first got married, we had three teenagers living in our home. I've heard people say that intimacy in marriage is easier when the kids get older.
People are wrong.
When you have toddlers, you can convince you kiddos that you and daddy are having a tickle fight. When they get older, your kids understand only too well what you two are doing behind (hopefully) locked doors.
While our kids were all busy with their own lives, it was a rare moment when one of them wasn't sleeping, eating, reading, studying or watching TV somewhere in the house.
Which, in all honesty, is not conducive to romance.
We had to employ every method of soundproofing that we could think of. We would turn the TV up full volume and put ourselves on low volume. We would sneak and "shush!" - the whole time knowing that at any moment there could be a knock on the door with the question, "Can I get a ride to the mall?!?"
I bet you have felt the same way having little kids in the house. We got to the point where it just didn't feel worth the effort. And for a while, because of the kids, we just stopped trying. And maybe you have as well.
For us, when the sex stopped, the bickering started. Little disagreements turned into real fights. We went to bed at different times, and were starting to live separate lives.
Roger and I ended up having a frank conversation about the lack of intimacy, the lack of heat in our marriage. While having kids is a special challenge when it comes to putting some spice back in your relationship, there are some simple ideas that can help:
Understand that spontaneity is over-rated. When we think of romance, movies make us want to believe that the only kind of great sex is when your husband takes you in the kitchen. That can be a little awkward with your three year old eating his cereal at the kitchen table. Planning for romance is a win-win - it allows you to arrange a sleepover at your sister's house for your kids as well as giving both you and your husband something to look forward to.
Romance is so much more fun when the real possibility of being interrupted has been removed. So, if you have kids, swap babysitting for the evening with another worn-out mom. Put your cell phones on silent and shut down the computers. Make romance the priority however it has to happen.
Lingerie is a mom's best friend. Don't try to heat up your relationship without this little mommy's helper. Buy something that features your best assets and covers those hard-earned stretch marks. If you are uncomfortable shopping for a little something special, bring a trusted friend that can help your laugh about the not so great and help you find the fab that is you, (and that your husband will love).
Keep the flirt going (and going...). Sex is not what happens just between the sheets. Start romancing your husband - even when the kids are around. If Saturday night is your "date" night, start preparing on Monday and carry it throughout the week:
· Send him a flirty text message while waiting to pick up your daughter from TumblerTots.
· Stick a sizzling note in his lunch letting him know that you're looking forward to your time together.
· When you are giving your mom an update on your kiddos, brag on your husband to her (loud enough so he can hear you).
So stop telling yourself (and your husband) that you will be happy to revisit the topic of sex - just as soon as your youngest is off to college. Make plans this week to let your husband know that he is worth the price of an expensive babysitter.
Kathi Lipp is the author ofThe Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man, on Purpose and with a Planas well as three other books. For more tips about keeping the sizzle in your marriage, check out Kathi's website at www.kathilipp.com.
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