Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter that
suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more
fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind.
A small thing
repeated each day adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one
thing that could change your life.
(�
Rick Hanson, 2010)
|
Click the box to subscribe to Just One Thing. (You can unsubscribe any time.)
|
This newsletter comes from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist, founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, PsychologyToday.com contributor, and meditation teacher.
See Rick's workshops and lectures for therapists and the general public. | |
My Offerings
� Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom - Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it's full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being. � Stress-Proof Your Brain -Meditations to rewire neural pathways for stress relief and unconditional happiness. � Meditations to Change Your Brain - Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation. � Meditations for Happiness - Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.
|
|
Are you hard on yourself?
|
The Practice
Forgive yourself.
|
|
Why?
Everyone messes
up. Me, you, the neighbors, Mother Teresa,
Mahatma Ghandi, King David, the Buddha, everybody. It's important to
acknowledge mistakes, feel appropriate remorse, and learn from them so they
don't happen again. But most people keep beating themselves up way past the
point of usefulness: they're unfairly self-critical. Inside the mind are
many sub-personalities. For example, one part of me might set the alarm clock
for 6 am to get up and exercise . . . and then when it goes off, another part
of me could grumble: "Who set the darn clock?" More broadly, there is a kind of
inner critic and inner protector inside each of us. For most people, that inner
critic is continually yammering away, looking for something, anything, to find
fault with. It magnifies small failings into big ones, punishes you over and
over for things long past, ignores the larger context, and doesn't credit you
for your efforts to make amends. Therefore, you really
need your inner protector to stick up for you: to put your weaknesses and
misdeeds in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities surrounding your
lapses, to encourage you to keep getting back on the high road even if you've
gone down the low one, and - frankly - to tell that inner critic to Shut Up. With the support of
your inner protector, you can see your faults clearly with fearing that will
drag you into a pit of feeling awful, clean up whatever mess you've made as
best you can, and move on. The only wholesome purpose of guilt, shame, or
remorse is learning - not punishment! - so that you don't mess up in
that way again. Anything past the point of learning is just needless suffering.
Plus excessive guilt, etc., actually gets in the way of you contributing to
others and helping make this world a better place, by undermining your energy,
mood, confidence, and sense of worth. Seeing faults clearly, taking responsibility
for them with remorse and making amends, and then coming to peace about them:
this is what I mean by forgiving yourself.
|
How?
Start by picking
something relatively small that you're still being hard on yourself about, and
then try one or more of the methods below. I've spelled them out in detail
since that's often useful, but you could do the gist of these methods in a few
minutes or less. Then if you like,
work up to more significant issues. Here we go: � Start by getting in touch, as best you
can, with the feeling of being cared about by some being: a friend or mate, spiritual
being, pet, or person from your childhood. Open to the sense that aspects of
this being, including the caring for you, have been taken into your own mind as
parts of your inner protector. � Staying with feeling cared about, list
some of your many good qualities. You could ask the protector what it knows
about you. These are facts, not flattery, and you don't need a halo to have
good qualities like patience, determination, fairness, or kindness. � If you yelled at a child, lied at work,
partied too hard, let a friend down, cheated on a partner, or were secretly
glad about someone's downfall - whateverit was - acknowledge the facts: what happened, what was in your mind at the
time, the relevant context and history, and the results for yourself and
others. Notice any facts
that are hard to face - like the look in a child's eyes when you yelled at her
- and be especially open to them; they're the ones that are keeping you stuck.
It is always the truth that sets us free. � Sort what happened into three piles:
moral faults, unskillfulness, and everything else. Moral faults deserve proportionateguilt, remorse, or shame, but unskillfulness calls for correction, no more.
(This point is very important.) You could ask others
what they think about this sorting (and about other points below) - include
those you may have wronged - but you alone get to decide what's right. For
example, if you gossiped about someone and embellished a mistake he made, you
might decide that the lie in your exaggeration is a moral fault deserving a
wince of remorse, but that casual gossip (which most of us do, at one time or
another) is simply unskillful and should be corrected (i.e., never done again)
without self-flagellation. � In an honest way, take responsibility
for your moral fault(s) and unskillfulness. Say in your mind or out loud (or
write): I am responsible for ______ , _______ , and _______ . Let yourself feel it. Then add to
yourself: But I am NOT responsible for ______ , _______ , and _______ . For example, you are not responsible for the
misinterpretations or over-reactions of others. Let the relief of what you are
NOT responsible for sink in. � Acknowledge what you have already done
to learn from this experience, and to repair things and make amends. Let this
sink in. Appreciate yourself. Next, decide what if
anything remains to be done - inside your own heart or out there in the world -
and then do it. Let it sink in that you're doing it, and appreciate yourself
for this, too. � Now check in with your inner protector:
is there anything else you should face or do? Listen to that "still quiet voice
of conscience," so different from the pounding scorn of the critic. If you
truly know that something remains, then take care of it. But otherwise, know in
your heart that what needed learning has been learned, and that what needed
doing has been done. � And now actively forgive yourself. Say
in your mind, out loud, in writing, or perhaps to others statements like: I
forgive myself for ______ , _______ , and _______ . I have taken responsibility
and done what I could to make things better. You
could also ask the inner protector to forgive you, or others out in the world,
including maybe the person you wronged. � You may need to go through one or more
the steps above again and again to truly forgive yourself, and that's alright.
Allow the experience of being forgiven to take some time to sink in. Help it
sink in by opening up to it in your body and heart, and by reflecting on how it
will help others for you to stop beating yourself up. May you be at peace.
|
|
|
|