Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter that
suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more
fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind.
A small thing
repeated each day adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one
thing that could change your life.
(�
Rick Hanson, 2010)
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This newsletter comes from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist, founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, PsychologyToday.com contributor, and meditation teacher.
See Rick's workshops and lectures for therapists and the general public. | |
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My Offerings
� Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom - Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it's full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being.
� Stress-Proof Your Brain -Meditations to rewire neural pathways for stress relief and unconditional happiness.
� Meditations to Change Your Brain - Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation.
� Meditations for Happiness - Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.
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What puts people at ease?
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The Practice
Give no one cause to fear you.
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Why?
We evolved to be
afraid.
The ancient
ancestors that were casual and blithely hopeful, underestimating the risks
around them - predators, loss of food, aggression from others of their kind -
did not pass on their genes. But the ones that were nervous were very
successful - and we are their great-grandchildren, sitting atop the food chain.
Consequently, multiple
hair-trigger systems in your brain continually scan for threats. At the least
whiff of danger - which these days comes mainly in the form of social hazards
like indifference, criticism, rejection, or disrespect - alarm bells start
ringing. See a frown across a dinner table, hear a cold tone from a supervisor,
get interrupted repeatedly, receive an indifferent shrug from a partner, watch
your teenager turn her back and walk away . . . and your heart starts beating
faster, stress hormones course through your veins, emotions well up, thoughts
race, and the machinery of fighting, fleeing, freezing, or appeasing kicks into
high gear.
The same thing
happens in the other direction: when you send out any signal that others find
even subtly threatening, their inner iguana gets going. That makes them suffer.
Plus it prompts negative reactions
from them, such as defensiveness, withdrawal, counter-attacks, grudges,
dislike, or enlisting their allies against you.
Thus the kindness
and the practical wisdom in the traditional saying, "Give no one cause to fear
you."
You can - and should
- be direct, firm, and assertive. Without needing to fear you, others
should expect that if they break their agreements with you or otherwise
mistreat you, there will be consequences: you reserve the right to speak up,
call a spade a spade, step back in the relationship if need be, take away the
privileges of a misbehaving child or the job of a dishonest employee, and so
on. But this is simply clarity. Rocks are hard; you don't need to fear rocks to
take their hardness into account: I know this as an aging rock climber!
Much of the time the
fear - the anxiety, apprehension, unease - we trigger in others is mild, diffuse,
in the background, maybe not even consciously experienced. But studies show
that people can feel threatened by stimuli they're not actually aware of. Think
of the little bits of irritation, caustic tone, edginess, superiority,
pushiness, nagging, argumentativeness, eye rolls, sighs, rapid fire talk,
snarkiness, demands, high-handedness, righteousness, sharp questions, or put
downs that can leak out of a person - and how these can affect others. Consider
how few of these are necessary, if any at all - and the mounting costs of the
fears we needlessly engender in others.
Think of the
benefits to you and others of them feeling safer, calmer, and more at peace
around you.
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How?
Assert yourself for
the things that matter to you. If you are sticking up for yourself and getting
your needs met, you won't be as likely to get reactive with others.
Appreciate that the caveman/-woman
brain inside the head of the person you're talking with is automatically primed
to fear you, no matter how respectful or loving you've been. So do little
things to prevent needless fears, like starting an interaction by expressing
whatever warmth, joining, and positive intentions are authentic for you. Be
self-disclosing, straightforward, unguarded. Come with an open hand,
weaponless.
As you can, stay
calm in your body. Get revved up, and that signals others that something bad
could be coming.
Slow down. Fast
talk, rapid instructions or questions, and quick movements can rattle or overwhelm
others. Sudden events in our ancient past were often the beginning of a
potentially lethal attack.
Be careful with
anger. Any whiff of anger makes others feel threatened. For example, a crowded
and noisy restaurant will suddenly get quiet if an angry voice is heard, since
anger within a band of primates or early humans was a major threat signal.
Consider your words
and tone. For example, sometimes you'll need to name possible consequences - but
watch out, since it's easy for others to hear a threat, veiled or explicit, and
then quietly go to war with you in their mind.
Give the other
person breathing room, space to talk freely, a chance to preserve his or her
pride and dignity.
Be trustworthy
yourself, so that others do not fear that you will let them down.
Be at peace. Know that
you have done what you can to help prevent or reduce fears in others. Observe
and take in the benefits to you - such as others who feel safer around you give
you less cause to fear them.
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