Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter that
suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more
fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind.
A small thing
repeated each day adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one
thing that could change your life.
(�
Rick Hanson, 2010)
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This newsletter comes from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist, founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, PsychologyToday.com contributor, and meditation teacher.
See Rick's workshops and lectures for therapists and the general public.
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The Practice
Speak from the heart.
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Why?
One
Christmas I hiked down into the Grand Canyon, whose bottom lay a vertical mile below
the rim. Its walls were layered like a cake, and a foot-high stripe of red or
gray rock indicated a million-plus years of erosion by the Colorado river. Think
of water - so soft and gentle - gradually carving through the hardest stone to reveal
great beauty. Sometimes what seems weakest is actually most powerful. In the same way, speaking from an open heart
can seem so vulnerable yet be the strongest move of all. Naming the truth - in particular
the facts of one's experience, which no one can disprove - with simplicity and
sincerity, and without contentiousness or blame, has great moral force. You can
see the effects writ small and large, from a child telling her parents "I feel
bad when you fight" to the profound impact of people describing the atrocities
they suffered in Kosovo or Rwanda. I met recently with a man
whose marriage is being smothered by the weight of everything unsaid. What's
unnamed is all normal-range stuff - like wishing his wife were less irritable
with their children, and more affectionate with him - but there's been a kind
of fear about facing it, as if it could blow up the relationship. But nottalking is what's actually blowing up their relationship - and in fact, when
people do communicate in a heartfelt way, it's dignified and compelling, and it
usually evokes support and open-heartedness from others.
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How?
This week, look for
one or more opportunities to speak from your heart. Pick a topic, a person, and
a moment that's likely to go well. Before you talk: � Ground yourself in good intentions. To
discover and express the truth, whatever it is. To help yourself and the other
person. � Get a basic sense of what you want to
say. Focus on your experience: thoughts, feelings, body sensations, wants,
memories, images, the dynamic flow through awareness; it's hard to argue with
your experience, but easy to get into wrangles about situations, events, the
past, or problem-solving. � Be confident. Have faith in your
sincerity, and in the truth itself. Recognize that others may not like what you
have to say, but you have a right to say it without needing to justify it; and that
saying it is probably good for your relationship. When you speak: � Take a breath and settle into your
body. � Recall being with people who care about
you. (This will help deepen your sense of inner strength, and warm up the
neural circuits of wholeheartedness.) � Soften your throat, eyes, chest, and
heart. Try to find a sense of goodwill, even compassion for the other person. � Bring to mind what you want to say. � Take another breath, and start speaking. � Try to stay in touch with your
experience as you express it. Don't get into any sense of persuasion,
justification, defensiveness, or problem-solving. (That's for later, if at
all.) Be direct and to the point; when people truly speak from the heart, they
often say what needs to be said in a few minutes or less; it's the "case"
wrapped around the heart of the matter that takes all those extra words. � Keep coming back to the essential point
for you, whatever it is (especially if the other person gets reactive or tries
to shift the topic). And feel free to disengage if the other person is just not
ready to hear you; maybe another time would be better. "Success" here is not
getting the other person to change, but you expressing yourself. � As appropriate, open to and encourage
the other person speaking from the heart, too. And afterwards: know
that whatever happened, you did a good thing. It's brave and it's hard
(especially at first) to speak from the heart. But so necessary to make this
world a better place.
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My Offerings
� Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom - Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it's full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being. � Meditations to Change Your Brain - Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation. � Meditations for Happiness - Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.
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