Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter that
suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more
fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind.
A small thing
repeated each day adds up over time to produce big results.
Just one
thing that could change your life.
(�
Rick Hanson, 2010)
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This newsletter comes from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist, founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, PsychologyToday.com contributor, and meditation teacher.
See Rick's workshops and lectures for therapists and the general public.
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The Practice
Tune into others.
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Why?
Imagine a world in
which people interacted with each other like ants or fish. Imagine a day at
work like this, or in your family, aware of the surface behavior of the people
around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your
own. That's a world
without empathy. To me, it sounds like a horror film. Without empathy,
there can be no real love, compassion, kindness, or friendship. Empathic
breakdowns shake the foundation of a relationship; just recall a time you felt
misunderstood - or even worse, a time when the other person could care less
about understanding you. In
particular, anyone who is vulnerable (e.g., children, the elderly) has a
profound need for empathy, and when it's a thin soup or missing altogether,
that's very disturbing. In my experience as a therapist, poor empathy is the
core problem in most troubled couples or families; without it, nothing good is
likely to happen; with it, even the toughest issues can be resolved. Empathy gives you a
feeling for what it's like to be another person. When you are empathic, even
quietly and tacitly, that tells the other person that he or she exists for you
as a being, as a Thou to your I. That's usually what people most want to know;
it's more fundamental than whatever topic is on the table. Empathy is soothing,
calming, bridge-building; when it's present, it's much easier to work through
things. Empathy gives you lots of useful information, like what's most
important to others or what's really bothering them.
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How?
This week,
repeatedly tune into the interior of the people around you; "empathy moments" often
take just a few seconds. To help yourself,
remember that empathy is not agreement or approval. You can tune into someone
who hurt you or is irritating; you're not waiving your rights! Nor do you have
to solve the other person's problem. Also know that
empathy is completely natural. As we evolved, the brain developed three
circuits (loosely defined) for empathy that simulate the actions, emotions, and
thoughts of others. For example, when you experience an emotion, a part of your
brain called the insula lights up; remarkably, when you see emotions in others,
some of the same neurons in your insula activate as well. The result is you get
a taste of what they're feeling. You were born empathic. Start by centering
yourself so you don't feel overwhelmed; studies have found that, paradoxically,
a little feeling of detachment actually promotes empathy; as Robert Frost
wrote, fences make for good neighbors. Then open up to other people, letting
their inner life flow through you like wind through the leaves of a deeply
rooted tree. Tune into their breathing,
posture, gestures, actions. Imagine what it would feel like to move your own
body in the same ways. Tune into their
emotions, particularly the softer ones underneath verbal positions or anger. Watch
the eyes closely; human eyes are the most expressive of any species on our
planet. Open up to your own gut feelings, which could be resonating with those
of other people. Ask yourself what you would be feeling if you were them. Tune into their
thoughts, memories, expectations, needs, and intentions. Form little hypotheses
in your mind about what could be going on over there. Take into account what
you know about their personal history - including with you - and their
temperament, priorities, hot buttons. Be curious and look beneath the surface. As appropriate,
check out your empathic intuitions. Ask simple questions, like: Were you
feeling ____ ? Did you want ____ ? Did you feel pulled between ____ and ____ ? Be respectful, not persuasive or prosecutorial. Don't
muddle empathy with asserting your own views or needs; do that part later. Stay with it.
Empathy is a kind of mindfulness practice, sustaining attention this time to someone
else's inner world. And when it's your
turn to receive empathy, you'll know better what it is you are asking for. The best way to get
empathy is to give it.
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My Offerings
� Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom - Written with a neurologist, Richard Mendius, M.D., and with a Foreword by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and a Preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D., it's full of effective ways to use your mind to change your brain to benefit your whole being. � Meditations to Change Your Brain - Three CDs of powerful guided practices, plus practical suggestions, for personal transformation. � Meditations for Happiness - Downloadable program (3 CDs worth) on gratitude, inner protectors, and coming home to happiness.
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