Assertive Communication

In the last three newsletters we established that excellent communication skills are a mix of behavior sensitivity and emotional awareness. Now we are looking at the words we choose and how we answer.

We always have a choice as to how we react and respond to a person. Change and progress is made and defined when differences in opinions are presented and the parties involved find a better way to address the issue. Most people will call this process conflict and in every conflict situation we have the choice in deciding how we will shape the conversation. We are always looking for constructive, positive conflict, where people work together and build on each others' ideas and opinions to create possibilities for the greater good. Positive conflict is the cornerstone for forming long lasting relationships built on mutual respect and trust. The opposite are destructive conflicts where we build walls around our ideas and opinions and defend them no matter how unreal or unachievable they might be. In some cases this comes with irresponsible and unacceptable behavior and creates a lack of progress and distrust and destroys morale and trust. Let's take a look at a real situation. You arrive late to a meeting and are asked "Is this not important to you?".

Your answer to this question will set the tone for the rest of the meeting. You can, for example:

• Fight back  --> You missed my meeting last week, too!
• Rationalize --> I have a difficult time with my project!
• Minimalize --> Come on, I spend as much time as I can
• Defende     --> I do the best I can!
• Criticize     -->  If you cannot do this without me ...
• Order         --> Just shut up and move on, I do not have time for this!

Neither answer is helping to move the meeting in a positive direction. And I bet the answer came out pretty automatically without much thought given to the outcome or to the impact it might have on the other persons. We always have to remember that our main goal is to build relationships and not destroy trust we might have earned in the past. Thus the last thing we want to do is respond in a way that creates a defensive reaction. As soon as we put somebody on the defensive, strong feelings of anger are created and angry persons are very rarely in a position to negotiate a positive solution. We can break this negative chain by stopping to use our automatic, predictable answers -as listed above- and use assertive communication instead.

To define assertive communication, let me tell you about the key components you need to use:

• Listening for the other person's feelings, while freely expressing our own feelings
• Using facts and asking for, or finding facts vs. assuming or making things up
• Communicate disagreements comfortably by making our points without dominance or submissive behavior
• Negotiating until mutually agreeable solutions are found to interpersonal conflicts
• Taking responsibility by using "I" statements (I will, I can, I know, I am positive) and avoid all the word of weakness (but, probably, I hope, basically, should, would, I suppose, maybe, if)

Assertive communication takes a lot of commitment and energy. First we have to actually listen to the other person's statements and -at the same time- listen to the feelings expressed in his/her body language and pitch of his/her voice. Then we need to address the underlying issue for our response. In our example this could sound like:

• It seems that you think I am not taking your project meeting seriously ...
• It sounds like you feel left out ...

Your response will show the other person that you are truly listening and understanding the issue. This will open up space to explore the facts and generate a solution. Remember, the goal is not to be right or win or lose (for the sake of peace) the argument. The goal is to create possibilities and find solutions neither one of you had thought about. The worst case outcome should be a compromise where both sides do not get what they want; however, can live with the outcome. Losing or winning the argument will only create animosities and mistrust. If we collect these over time they will lead to blowups and angry arguments over seemingly irrelevant issues and never lead to possibilities and real solutions.

Assertiveness helps diffuse anger, reduces guilt and builds and enhances professional and personal relationships.

Good communication skills do not happen all by themselves. It takes a lot of hard work to develop them and a constant awareness to listen deeply and forming responses addressing underlying issues and feelings. The nice thing with the three skills making up good communication is that they are independent from each other. You can start to improve either of them or start with the one which will improve your communication the most in the shortest amount of time. Give us a call if you would like help determining where to start or if you want us to help you assess your communication skill level.

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