Our last newsletter highlighted how we can use behavioral sensitivity to increase our communication skills. I hope you had time to put some of the ideas to use. Let us know -good or bad- what you experienced. Today we continue the journey to becoming a better communicator by looking at the impact our emotions have on the way our message is received.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a fairly new science that impacts our personal and professional life. It is a skill we naturally develop with experience and in today's work environment of team work and team interaction has the biggest impact on our leadership capability. Because it is a skill, we can develop it faster and become proficient at it, setting ourselves apart from our peer group. EQ can be divided into a personal and a social competence component. Personal EQ focuses on our understanding and the management of our own emotions. Social EQ helps to read the intentions, motivations and desires of others and to understand social situations to build and manage stronger relationships.

How does it work? Our paradigms and perceptions form our feelings, and our feelings consequently shape our behavior. Case in point: if you expect to get nothing out of a meeting and think that all the people in attendance have no good grasp on the topic ... guess what? You will be experiencing a boring meeting where your ideas will not be valued and your experience will not count. Your feelings will be visible to all attendees through your body language, which will clearly show that you are bored and not interested, and people will avoid making contact with you. If you -on the other hand- set yourself up for success by "feeling outstanding", being curious and excited about whom you might meet and what they might be thinking about a topic, more likely than not your expectations will come true. So the first step in developing your EQ is to understand what makes you tick in various situations.

Only 37% of people can clearly pinpoint their emotions as they happen. Only if we are aware of our emotions as they happen, we can manage our composure while addressing the emotions of others. To start your journey, we recommend to write down how you felt after important meetings, how strong your emotions were, what ripple effects from your emotions you could feel and which of your buttons were pushed. After a while you will see patterns and can adjust to them. Expressing your emotions can be an effective tool to get your point across. However, be very aware that the stronger your emotions get, the more they take over your actions to a point where you will become completely ineffective and will spit out a confusing message, leaving the people around you only wondering.

And as you might have problems with your own emotions, so do the people around you. To be highly successful in your communication, you need to set aside your own chatter and concentrate fully on what the other person is really saying. Is the content congruent with the emotions displayed? If not, what do you feel and can you get to the bottom of it by asking thoughtful questions. Some people might react withdrawn; others get loud and obnoxious when they are nervous. Our job is to understand that both reactions show nervousness and we need to put attendees at ease before we can jump into the agenda.

And remember that we communicate mainly through our body language. What we say and how we say is only 8% of the message. Our vocals and the body language are the main carrier of our message. Whether you are sad, bored, afraid, angry or excited, or mentally absent, it shows and others easily pick up on inconsistencies between your words ... I am so happy for you! ... and the deep frown on your forehead evidencing that you think the opposite. The biggest mistakes I see in people's body language is avoiding eye contact, being fidgety and frequently checking the clock or checking the screen of the phone or PC. All signals the other person one's disinterest, arrogance and superiority. Not a good start to building a relationship. And that is all what it is about in your professional and personal life. The deeper the relationships, the more effective can you be in finding new solutions and effectively dealing with issues.

As with utilizing behavioral tendencies to our advantage, we need to first and foremost establish what our skill levels in the areas of our personal and social awareness are. We use an online EQ test to set up nonbiased scores in the areas of personal awareness, personal management, social awareness and relationship management. This baseline pinpoints the areas to concentrate on first and then determines the exercises. Please feel free to contact us to learn more.