But there's no getting around the fact that childcare and education in general below the high school level are both dominated by the female gender, not only in this country but in much of the world.  Mind you, I have nothing against women!  But greater gender balance in child care would really help, particularly with the boys.  Where, these days, do children see men doing "manly" things?  Where do children see men embracing their "power?"  We need to find ways to help children get some sense of the things that men and women DO, even if it's now mostly on weekends. 

          LifeWays is excellent in creating a homelike environment where we invite the children to engage in the real work of the "Domestic Arts" - cooking, baking, washing dishes, cleaning, folding laundry and engaging in many other tasks of the home.  We provide child-size versions of stoves, kitchen appliances, ironing boards, etc. for the children to continue these activities in their imaginative play.  We also provide child-size work benches and tools (though we would prefer that they not be too noisy with the hammers!). But it's much less common for children to see or actually participate in activities like repairing things, building a deck, mending fences or gates, painting, etc. that most typically are the work of the "man around the house."  This is not too surprising as many of these activities tend to lie outside the comfort zone or physical capacity of many female caregivers.  Yet the absence of these activities leaves the children's picture of the domestic arts somewhat unbalanced and incomplete. 

           I have a greater concern than this.  My sense is that far too often the early message that boys get in "school" is that they should be more like girls.  They aren't valued for the active male energy they bring.  One of the things I really like about Rainbow Bridge is that we work hard to engage the boys and validate their "boyness."  I know, Rahima would love to have a few more girls in the mix, and I agree, but perhaps we attract so many boys precisely because we provide a welcoming environment for them.  Boys are different from girls: their play tends to be rougher, more active and physical, less attuned to relational elements.  They love to race cars and trucks and are fascinated with anything powerful.  They like to build and create things.  They are less keen on doing things that require close focus and concentration.  It's hard for them to be indoors, if indoors isn't conducive to the sort of play they favor. 

          I think that for many female caregivers, it's just hard to truly appreciate - to celebrate - the testosterone-laden energy that boys bring. It would be so much easier if only they were more like girls.  So what can we do about this?  Obviously, it IS possible, with a bit of effort and intention, to invite more men into our centers.  There are lots of retired grandfathers who would be delightful for all the children to experience and who could bring skills and activities that would complement and enhance those of the female

caregivers.  You might even get that fence repaired or painted in the process!  In addition to this, I think that it's also important for all of us as caregivers to examine our inner attitudes towards boys and girls, and to actively look for ways we can make space - psychic space - for boys to be boys in our programs.  We don't need to stop boys from racing their trucks around -- we need to create a space or venue where it's okay for them to race to their hearts' content!  And then it will be okay to have other spaces and times that are only for quieter activities. 

           My sense is that both boys and girls in our LifeWays programs will 

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By Scott Anderson, recent LifeWays graduate from Waterford, ME

Meaningful Work

         In a culture which increasingly favors having more 'things' over maintaining the family unit at all cost, it is no surprise that we have literally forced parents, fathers in particular, out of the home in search of more money, more things, and higher social status. Instead of supporting parents in raising children at home, we are expected to return to work, find childcare, and get back to 'contributing to society' through some profession other than fathering. Our culture tends to devalue the vital role that fathers play in child rearing, often reducing it to a list of chores and responsibilities, a paycheck, or a child-support payment.

          In conversation with some of my closest childhood friends who have chosen not to become fathers, the focus is on the burden of fatherhood and what one must sacrifice in becoming a father, rather than the tremendous reward of watching a child grow into a whole being and potentially give back to the universe in some positive way.

Perhaps it is our societal view of fatherhood as a burden that perpetuates the alarming trend of children being raised without a father in the home instead of seeing fatherhood as an adventure, or as Dollahite and Hawkins (1997) support, to see fatherhood as 'generative' work, meaning to give to future generations through sensitive fathering today.

          According to the US Census bureau "twenty-four million, or approximately one in three American children live in fatherless homes" (as quoted from the 2001 National Fatherhood Initiative). Also according to the 2001 National Fatherhood Initiative, "the strongest parent-related predictor of a child's development of empathy is the presence of a positive father role-model in the home". If this prediction holds true, then what sort of future are we creating for our children when so many are fatherless?

          From my earliest memories, I have known that I wanted to be a father. Despite the fact that I grew up without my father, much of my desire to be a father stems from the fact that everyone tells me he loved being a father. My relationship with, and memories of my own father are a patchwork of snippets in time, of ball games, camping trips, pond hockey on our flooded, frozen backyard, old photographs, letters written from far off naval posts, home videos, and stories told by his brothers.  With each milestone, success, and failure in my life I call upon this well-worn patchwork of moments in time to imagine what my Dad might have to say to guide me along my path.

           My memory of my father is of the archetype father: he was a protector (served in the military, was a state trooper), provider (built us a house, earned an honest wage), and my guide (still is in the astral sense). While I am sure the image I behold of my father is woven of both real and imagined threads, one thing I know to be true, after all these years, is that my father loved me, and that he did not choose to leave. The lasting effect of the way he nurtured and protected my brother and me is still palpable more than thirty years later.  It is the essence of who I am as a father and husband. When we nurture our children, we teach them they are worthy of unconditional love. As Louv (1993) states, "What we give, we receive; what we receive, we give to the future".

           When considering what it means to be a father, I recall the first time I held my tiny newborn daughter. As if struck by lightening, all at once I silently vowed to protect her at all costs, to provide for her all the necessities of life, and to somehow gently guide her with neither too firm or too loose a hand toward her own path in life. I had always drawn upon the image of my father for inspiration, and imagined that my job would entail providing for my child a somehow 'better' life with more than I had growing up.

             Before I met my child, I thought that being a provider meant that I would have to work harder to earn more for that 'better' social, economic, and educational life. But, in the instant that I first held her in that surreal first hour of life, I knew that 'providing' would mean infinitely more than any preconceived notion I held. It was not about 'more' or 'better'; it was, and is, about being present on a daily basis, and listening on a deep level.  To provide meant that I would not abandon her of my presence neither physically, or emotionally. More importantly, as I would learn in the next few weeks, to provide for her meant that I would need to be present in every capacity for her mama too.

           Over the next few years my former ideals of fatherhood clung like cobwebs as I navigated through the relatively new social reality of life as a stay-at-home father.  I struggled to balance my former ideals concerning fatherhood, and my daily reality of diapers, laundry, cooking, cleaning and nightly collapse into bed utterly exhausted.  More than once in the three and a half years that I was privileged to stay home to father my child, I was asked when I would be returning to 'work', or queried about if I had recently lost my 'job'.  Fortunately, with this reversal of the more typical mother-father roles, my wife recognized the significance of the bond I was forming with our daughter while she worked outside the home. She also never doubted that I did indeed have a 'job' that did in fact involve a lot of 'work'.  

          This is not to say that we did not experience occasional resentment on both sides, but the underlying desire to raise our child ourselves, and not place her for the majority of her days in the care of another, had been accomplished. Furthermore, the experience has defined our parenting as an equal partnership built on mutual respect. 

           According to Patterson and Bradley (2000), "What (those) adults do in a child's presence becomes part of her growth and development; if certain deeds are repeated regularly around the child, they become habit.  Instinctively, the child will imitate these grown-ups." Respect between parents for what each contributes thus only fosters empathy in the child. Empathy is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships in life.

Vancouver LifeWays

           In my experience of working with young children, it is apparent that the statistics do not lie.  In my care are many children who come from fatherless homes.  I do not suggest that a father is incapable of nurturance from outside the home where the child lives, but it is the small moments in life that often occur within our daily rhythms that add up to nurturance. It is the bedtime story telling, preparation of meals, soothing of tears, diaper changes, sharing of parenting and household duties with the child's other parent, and the manner in which we lovingly carry out these daily tasks that allow children to feel truly nurtured.

           I once attended a childcare provider's conference for the main purpose of gaining continuing education units, or CEU's, required by the state.  Leading up to the conference, I had no idea if there would be seventy or seven hundred people in attendance.  It quickly became apparent that there were close to the latter participating in the day's lectures.  While I cannot recall much of what was lectured on that day, I do recall that I was somewhat of a novelty as I was one of only three men in attendance. Being in this type of situation does not bother me on a social level. What worries me is that so many young children are potentially missing out on all that men have to offer in the early childhood setting. With worrying statistics on how many children in our society are missing out on this, 'fatherlove' Brooke-Weiss (2001) at home, I feel all the more fortunate to be called to this meaningful work of caring for young children as a father, and as a man.

           Many parents expect to find nurturing women in the role of caring for young children, but for some reason we are conditioned to feel thrown off or even suspicious when there is a man in this role.  When I first began caring for young children, I felt that I must assure the parents that my wife would always be present especially if their child was female. It was not until one of the mothers expressed to me that if she did not trust me, she would not leave her child with me regardless of my gender that I realized that I was buying into stereotypes by perpetuating the idea that men are not capable of nurturing young children without a woman nearby.

          As a man working with young children I often feel that there is much opportunity to make an impact on the lives of the families and children I work with, perhaps even more than some of my female counterparts might.  Most of the children in my care have very loving and nurturing mothers, many also have wonderful, gentle and kind fathers, but there are many still who have no father in their daily lives at all.

         In my work with young children I feel a responsibility to exemplify that a man can be nurturing, artistic, kind, and masculine while gardening, baking, singing, painting, building, or knitting. In many ways this obligation gives me the freedom to grow, to learn, and to re-father as well as nurture myself. With so many children lacking in experiencing the essence of fatherly love, I cannot help but know that I am doing meaningful work. 

*************************** 

References

Brooke-Weiss, C. S. (2001).  Retrieved May 21, 2011, from http://fatherlove.com

Dollahite, D. C., & Hawkins, A. J. (1997). Fatherwork. Retrieved June 2, 011, from http://fatherwork.byu.edu

Louv, Richard (1993).  In  (Ed.), Fatherlove: What We Need, What We Seek, What We Must Create (p. 56). New York: Simon & Schuster.

Patterson, Barbara J., & Bradley, Pamela (2000). Imitation and Self-Discipline. In Nancy Parsons (Ed.),  (1st ed., p. 108). Amesbury,MA: Michaelmas Press.

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          We are living in a time of evolving gender roles.  Over the past century or more, women have been developing themselves through education and work outside the home. This has given them more strength, independence, individuality and interest in the world after millennia of relative personal and economic dependence.  During the same time, at least in the western world, men's work has also been changing its basic character. Since the Industrial Revolution, men's work no longer requires great physical strength and stamina, compared to the centuries when men were engaged primarily in strenuous work like hunting, farming, ranching, exploring, house-building, and mining.  It seems men's work will continue to change its character, for the new jobs projected for the next decade in the U.S. will be in fields that currently attract primarily women:  teaching, health care, and customer service.[1]

          Historically men have supported their families primarily through providing shelter and food.  Now that women are sharing those responsibilities, men find themselves being asked to support the family through the care of children and homelife.  Although the world of personal relationship is not one in which most men feel skilled or for which they have had good role models, women are asking for better communication and emotional intimacy from their male partners.[2] In addition, men are becoming genuinely interested in fathering their children to improve upon what they experienced in their own childhoods.  The world is changing, and many naturally wonder how best to support the development of healthy children of both genders.  This article is a brief summary of research from the worlds of neuroscience and psychology that may help us understand some of the special needs of boys in the early years.[3]  

          In the 1970's and 1980's, the prevailing belief in the psychological and educational professions was that most gender differences could be attributed to socialization practices. The use of brain scan technologies in the 1990's opened the door for research into the differences between the genders, at all stages of development.  Ongoing neuroscientific studies are providing compelling evidence that boys and girls--and men and women--have unique brain structures from birth which "hardwire" them with different capacities and qualities and orientations to life.[4]

          This process begins in utero.  Apparently all human embryos start with the neurological structure that later becomes female.  At the eighth week of pregnancy, if the embryo is male, a process of differentiation from the female neurological structure begins, as testosterone surges through the embryo's developing brain.  Testosterone is the primary neuro-architect for the hardwiring of the masculine brain.  When testosterone flows into the embryonic brain, neurological structures for communication are killed and neurological structures for aggression and sex are added.  Similar changes recur at succeeding periods after birth, including the period called "infantile puberty" which happens before age two.  By the time a child is two, which is before many children even identify themselves with a specific gender, children have been "hard-wired" with gender-specific capacities and tendencies.

          If you are already thinking of those boys (and girls) who might not fit the "typical" picture for their gender, neuroscience provides an interesting explanation for this phenomenon too.  As we all know, each gender has within it a wide degree of variation.  Researchers have found that 20% of boys have more girl-type behaviors than other boys and 20% of girls have more boy-type behaviors than other girls.  Yet these 20% are still more like their own gender overall than they are like the opposite gender.  They have the unique task of developing qualities and characteristics that are both typically masculine and feminine.  The brain structure of this 20% is sometimes labeled the "bridge brain" because it contains structures that are characteristic of both genders.

          To understand the special needs of boys in the early years, let's first look at what neuroscience and students of child development describe as capacities and qualities that characterize boys and girls-and, later, men and women.  Looking at the list below, "Masculine Capacities and Qualities", we

see that boys especially need opportunities to move, to be in their bodies,

and to experience their physical strength.  In addition, they need to learn

visually and kinesthetically more than auditorially.  (Their hearing is often challenged in childhood, in actual fact.)  This means running, jumping, climbing, digging, sawing, sanding, pounding nails and playing tug of war.  Of course, we may want to provide these kinds of experiences for girls too.  The important point is that boys need such activities to use and develop their natural abilities, for this will help them enjoy and feel good about themselves.

          Boys are also "wired" for autonomy and independence, for adventure, for risk-taking-and they are less interested in or inclined to attune to the

wishes and cues of adults than girls may be.  This means, for example, that

when it is time to come in from outside playtime, you may need to repeat

yourself more for the boys than for the girls.  This is normal.  This lack of responsiveness to adult cues is part of a boy's nature, it is not a sign of defiance or an uncooperative attitude.

Boys at Rainbow Bridge

          Boys will play more aggressively and have more conflict than girls.  They need outlets for this aggressive energy that are safe and healthy and that you can support.  It used to be that masculine life provided many opportunities for a boy's natural aggression-in activities like hunting, fishing, fire-making, house-building, forging, or daily life on a farm or ranch.  These activities are no longer easily available to most men or boys.  If you don't provide positive outlets for your boy's natural aggression, he will suffer! He may get the message that he is wrong just for being a boy and grow up with underlying self-doubt.  (Ask men in your life about this phenomenon.)  He may also be drawn towards riskier activities in adolescence, to overcome a legacy of self-doubt if his childhood atmosphere suppressed or put down his natural boyish instincts.

          While it is important to support a boy's masculine energy, it is also important to help boys learn appropriate self-control and physical restraint-because a boy's physical size, strength or aggressive impulses can sometimes lead to injury of others. This is a lesson boys can begin to learn in the early years, and both Dads and Moms can help.  Dads can teach self-restraint through wrestling-and boys love to wrestle with their Dads!  While wrestling, Dads can show restraint themselves, they can model a capacity and interest in the safety of others. They can also stop the fighting when their boy becomes too aggressive or physically hurtful, without putting the boy down-e.g. "OK, that's enough, got to take it a little easier now." 

          Moms can teach boys self-restraint in the early years by setting limits and being clear when they are not okay with their boy's aggressive play, but without putting him down.  For example, "OK, now it's time for helping Mama sweep the kitchen floor, I wonder how fast those strong legs can get you over to this broom..." (while holding a broom for him and one for you, so that both of you can begin sweeping).  Or you can redirect him to any healthy movement activity-whatever you think he may be likely to enjoy and that can provide the transition out of the aggressive play that you want to end.  For example, you can take a run around the house (inside or out), or have a race across the back yard.  You can start a play theme that will engage his creativity-a boat that is going sailing and collecting animals to take to a farm.  Clear verbal limits may also be needed, like "It's okay to be upset but it's not okay to hit me, let's see what these strong hands can do outside..."-then redirect to a positive movement-based activity, such as carrying stones, digging holes, raking leaves or sweeping the driveway. 

          To respond to anger outbursts in young boys, first provide a drink of water to moderate your boy's heat.[6]  Anger increases cortisol levels significantly in boys, and water will titrate this within a few minutes.  (Don't try to convince him why he should drink---just hand him the water.  If he needs verbal cueing, simply say, "Drink.")  Then redirect to a movement-based activity-don't try to talk to him!  Mirroring may be helpful, but not to open a conversation, just to provide the needed recognition for his wants or needs.[7]  "You don't want Mama to call you in for supper now."  "You didn't like when Bobby pushed your tower over."  Then if he's still agitated, get him doing something with his hands or body that will help him move into a positive state again.

          Aggression and conflict in boys will increase to the degree that adults fail to provide sufficient structure and clear, fair authority.  The way that boys establish security in their peer world is through fighting.  By fighting, boys establish a hierarchy of power, and this is what helps them feel safe.  So if boys in your care are fighting a lot, ask yourself if you and other adults supervising their play are present enough and bringing enough healthy adult structure so that they can relax and play without having to create their own hierarchy of power. Of course, there can be other sources of excessive fighting in boys' play, including exposure to violence in media.

          While a lot of our questions about how to meet the needs of young boys have to do with their aggressive and rambunctious qualities, one of the most fascinating findings in the study of young boys is that emotionally they are more fragile than girls.  Researchers at Harvard have found that boy babies cry more and are more difficult to soothe than girl babies.[8]  In addition, apparently young boys are more troubled by separations from their mothers than girls and experience more separation anxiety.  This means that young boys need plenty of nurturing and physical touch to establish their sense of well-being and security in the early years.  They very likely will need more time with Mom than Dad, since Moms tend to nurture and attune to emotional needs more than Dads.

          On the subject of Moms and Dads and their relative gifts and capacities as parents, the literature reviewed here suggests that there are very real differences in what Moms and Dads provide to their young children.  While both Moms and Dads can be nurturing to a young child, Moms are more "wired" for this activity--having breastmilk helps--and find themselves naturally inclined towards nurturing the young child.  Apparently Dads become more "wired" for nurturing of young children if they get involved early in infant care-this changes the composition of hormones, increasing those that lead to bonding and nurturing behavior.

          As children grow past infancy, Dads and Moms continue to play unique roles.  Dads play and relate differently than Moms!  Moms are attentive through attuning, caring, meeting needs--all of which builds security and self-confidence in the child.  Dads are attentive through more arousing and rougher play, pushing the child to his (or her) physical and emotional limits-chasing, rolling, tickling, wrestling, teasing.  Dads are also quirkier and less predictable than Moms.  These activities are valuable for developing resilience, flexibility and strength in children.  Both kinds of attention are useful for growing strong, healthy, well-adjusted people!

          Discipline styles tend to vary between Moms and Dads. Moms tend to attune to underlying feelings and needs and seek to help the young child adjust emotionally, while Dads tend to expect good behavior without resistance and have less patience or understanding when they encounter misbehavior or extreme emotions.  (Remember, men are oriented to hierarchy and power more than women, and women are oriented to attuning and caring more than men.  This seems to color adult discipline styles!)  In fact, Dads seem to have fewer coping skills when young children become reactive or temperamental, and may tend to defer to Mom at these times.  This can happen because Dads lack the emotional resiliency to deal with a young child's intense emotional expression.  In addition, if the Dad's upbringing included much corporal punishment, he may step back from dealing with a temperamental child to protect the child from his unconscious inclination to spank as a response to "noncompliance".[9]  Working together as parents requires understanding what each gender brings to the role of parenting. 

          The young child tends to spend more time with Mom, with Dad as aless-involved parent, because Moms are often more present physically and are more "wired" for meeting the security needs of the young child.  However, all young children benefit from having close and positive relationships with both parents.  Heads up to Moms: research shows that you are the gatekeepers to your young child's relationship with Dad.  If you trust your husband/child's father and give him room to parent, a stronger bond will develop between your child and his/her Dad.  Dads and kids do better when Mom is not around in the early years---so it's good for Dad to try taking the young child/ren for a whole day, to develop his confidence and skills, and to deepen the connection.

          As the world keeps changing around us, and gender roles keep shifting and evolving, may we continue to explore and share understanding and wisdom for parenting and teaching the next generation! 

           About seven years ago, after my daughters Leah and Jessica took

the Life Ways training, my wife, Jackie, temporarily retired from her work as a Waldorf grades teacher and made the case to provide child care in our home, The Orchard, here in Madison, Wisconsin.  So shortly after I retired from community college teaching, I began to be drawn into the world of formal child care, caring for children not quite as a father or grandfather (although I am both) by providing a kind of blended presence.

          At first I felt conspicuous as the only adult male in the midst of this most feminine work of song, food preparation, artistic activities with controlled and intelligent energy. I felt out of my element as I peered into the world en route to entering it.  But it's where I live, and I must maintain this old house and care take the large (over an acre) lot, so the children saw me in all kinds of traditionally male roles as I went about my business.  They were very interested in what I was doing.  At first I timed my chores so that I wouldn't distract them from their activities and their teachers tried to keep them from getting in the way of mine.  Imagine!  But the adults learned from the children and now we do much of that work together.  Of course it isn't work for them; it's an extension of play. I bought child-sized shovels, rakes, hoes, and pails, a hatchet, and garden cart so that we could all get down to business. We split and stack firewood for the wood-burning stove in the program space; look after our four chickens as we feed them, change their straw, and collect eggs; haul sand up the hill to top up the sand pit; plant and harvest the vegetables and fruit that find their way into the meals the children help to prepare.

          What began as my performing of haphazard chores on a piece of property I viewed as too big, too much for a retired guy, has evolved into a rhythmic, seasonally-inspired range of activities, culminating in a Halloween/harvest blowout of an evening that the nearby Madison Waldorf School helps us plan and celebrate.

          So there's that sort of large-muscle chore kind of work that is so integral to maintain the outside parts of The Orchard and that fits so nicely into our intention to spend, sometimes, nearly entire days outdoors.     The children thrive outside where they can expand physically and imaginatively to limits they, largely, set.  The boys, though, more than the girls, are typically most drawn to that kind of activity.  That I'm a male and interested in modeling certain kinds of "work" has, I believe, contributed to a balanced and fuller range of activities for both boys and girls.

          This year I decided to move from the edges of The Orchard into a more formal role assisting the lead teacher, Aleksandra.  The children still help me move sand, stack firewood, garden, etc., but I join them now for circle, songs, and meals.  The pace around children is slower, quieter, more centered and reflective than any I've experienced since a ten-day silent retreat I was on thirty years ago.  We aim to help our children on their path of development as we study and research and practice some of the most inspired pedagogical theories.  In their way, don't they help us adults along our own path?