In last month's newsletter we discussed how friendships develop. We start by deciding who we feel comfortable with and want to say 'Hello' to. Once we've become acquainted we need to find out more about the person so that we can decide if we want to pursue the relationship and become friends. Just being friendly with someone doesn't mean that they're a friend.

Our friendships continue to evolve through several stages.  The first is the on again/ off again friendship.  These are the people with whom we share an interest or a situation such as a class in school. We have many more relationships at this level than we do at deeper levels. One of our on-again off-again friends may move up the friendship ladder and become a bonded or very close/true blue friend. People fade in and out of our lives all the time. On-again off-again friends change over our lifetime as our interests and activities change.  The key is not to get upset when someone starts to fade out as the friendship could reappear at another time.

The next step on the ladder is the bonded friendship. This is where people are there for each other.  They think about each other and do things for each other simply because they are friends.  They hang out after school and consistently seek each other out.  This is when we can start to let our guard down and talk more personally about life and the things that make us happy or excited or angry.  However very personal things are still kept to ourselves.

An intimate friend is the one that you hang out with all the time, just as in the previous level, but with more intensity.  You trust this person and are not afraid to show them who you really are. You are even willing to share what you would normally never say.  You are definitely there for them when they need you, just as they are there for you. If you have a disagreement it can weather the storm.

We don't have many intimate friends. These relationships take a long time to development. Most of us are lucky enough to have a couple of very close/true blue friends.

Tips and Tools

Concept of the Month:  Friendship Funnel

We aren't close friends with everyone we meet. Our friendships are like a funnel. At the top of the funnel, the wide open end, are our many acquaintances. These are the people we know by sight. The people to whom we say 'Hi', smile, wave or nod. In the middle of the funnel, the part where it starts to narrow, are our friends. These are people we know better. We talk to them, spend time, play and share with them. At the bottom of the funnel is the narrowest part. These are our few closest friends. The special people who we enjoying spending the most time with and share our true feelings with.

Activity: My Friendship Funnel

Talk to your child about the different levels or kinds of friends that people have - acquaintances, friends, and close/true blue friends. Write the names of their acquaintances, friends and true blue friends on slips of paper. Draw or cut out a 'friendship funnel'. Paste the names of their friends in the appropriate section of the funnel. Older children can write the names directly on the funnel.

Discuss the differences in the friendships. Who do they simply say 'Hi' to? Who do they hang out with and at which activities? Who are their closest friends and what is different about being with them rather than the people at the other levels.