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s2s Insights
Offering the latest news, expert opinions, practical tips and reader ideas about the world of social learning.
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September, 2010
Welcome to s2s Insights!
Welcome to the Steps
to Socialization newsletter
s2s Insights. Each month 'Social Thoughts' contains a theme article on a relevant social topic. Informative articles or books related to the theme can be found in 'News and Reviews'. The 'Tips and Tools' section contains social thinking tips and activities. 'In the Neighborhood' covers
related events and programs.
We all want our children to have friends. This month we discuss how friendships develop.
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Social Thoughts
"I don't have any friends!" This a very common statement that
parents hear from their children particularly at the beginning of the school
year. There are several levels of friendship and we need to go through the
various stages in order to develop the type of friendships we want.
The first stage is a
short but important one. It is the
meeting
stage. This is when we meet
someone for the first time. It may be someone you see in the hallway, at lunch
or recess. There are several
things that happen at this stage before you even speak to the person. First, you look at the person and note
their persona. This includes how
they dress, their facial expression and body language, their age and
gender. We quickly assess if this
person looks friendly and is someone we would feel comfortable with. If they look
angry, mad and unfriendly we probably will decide that we don't want to meet
them. These first impressions are important. If we feel that the person is friendly and safe the second
step on the friendship ladder becomes easier.
At the greeting
stage, we say hello and possibly make small talk with the person we're
thinking about being friends with.We think about something we have in common
and comment on it. For example,
walking into a class you might greet them "Hello" and ask a starter question
such as "Hey did you have a hard time with the homework?" You might comment on someone's
belongings, "Hey, That's a cool backpack." or just acknowledge the
person with a smile or head nod.
At this level, you are acknowledging the person and letting them know
that you are interested in stepping up to the next level on the ladder.
Now you've made an acquaintance.
There is someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to say hello. They've
responded in a way that indicates they're interested in getting to know you.
This is still a superficial stage. If you find you have common likes and
dislikes and enjoy similar activities, you might move on to developing a
friendship. If you find that you
have only a few things in common or different viewpoints you may stay at the acquaintance
stage. At work or school we may have many acquaintances, people we sit down
with for 10 - 15 minutes and have a superficial/small talk conversation about
sports, shopping or the weather. This is how we gather more information to see
if we want to move out of this stage to the next one.
It is from among our acquaintances
that we begin to develop friendships. We start to seek them
out on the playground, during lunch or at activities. We call for homework
help, invite them to parties, and arrange to meet outside of school or work.
The conversation starts to go a little deeper beyond the superficial level. We
ask more questions, offer help and share our opinions. We may feel free to tell
someone that we really hate a certain type of music but we don't make extreme
comments. We may use humor or a bit of sarcasm but our comments just touch the
surface of what we really think inside. We trust a little but are still
reserved. We continue to make sure that we are doing what is expected to make
our new friend feel comfortable, have positive thoughts about us and want to be
with us.
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Tips and Tools
Concept
of the Month:
Keeping the spotlight on
the other person.
Keeping the spotlight
on another person is one of the ways we work towards friendship. You want to
show the other person that you are focused on them; that you are thinking about
them, not just yourself. If your
friend said, "I got a dog yesterday" you would ask questions and make comments
about their new dog keeping the spotlight on them. "What kind of dog did
you get?" "What did you name it?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Wow, that's so cool." The conversation focus would be on their topic.
You would try to "read " how they are feeling and adjust your behavior
to try and make them feel good.
Activity:
Practice keeping the
spotlight on another person.
You will need 10 (or
more) file cards and some poker chips or tokens. Choose 10 topics that interest
you and your child and write one on each file card. Put them in a stack on the
table. Each of you gets a stack of chips. Have your child pick a card. That's
the topic you're going to discuss first.
The person who has the 'spotlight' leads the round. They choose a topic
card and must say something about the topic. The other players must keep
the spotlight on the leader by asking related questions and making related
comments. The leader must answer the question first and then they can say
something else about the topic if they want to. You earn chips for asking
related questions and for answering questions appropriately. See how long you
can keep the interaction going.
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See you next month! In the meantime, please visit us on the web and read our blog.
Evelyn
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