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This week I had to go searching for some hilarious one-liners for you, and I have to say, some of these are whoppers!  Some are cute, some are thought-provoking, but I think they all have the laugh-factor!  Here, have a look:

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of house payments.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.    

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.  So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.   

We never really grow up.  We just learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit and wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  There's a difference. 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

Behind every successful man is  his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually the "other" woman.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.  

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm gonna wipe the floor with you face!" I said, "Oh, yeah, well you'll be sorry!  You won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs can fly.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.  

Keep reading,

Brandi