Low Cost Help for Recovery/Fall 08 Newsletter/Why Don't They Just Quit?

Q I am reading your book again and finding that I need your words more than ever. I told you before that I wished I'd had this book several years ago when both my sons were in the midst of heavy drug use.

Here I am again in the midst of crisis with my youngest son, and am trying desperately to maintain my center and help support him in a healthy loving way, to where it's good for him and myself (Whatever that looks like).

He has recently made decisions that I didn't think were in his best interest. However, I stepped aside because I knew what he decided was completely out of my hands. He's well aware of the consequences he could possibly face. He is scheduled to go to court on the 30th in Denver.

This is harder than anything I've ever been challenged with in my life and that includes surviving cancer and my recent very difficult divorce. I will not give up hope, but I will not lose myself in the process.
Thanks for being there,

Janis P.
Brookings, OR

A Dear Janis,
I still believe that the tough love approach is the way to go. My suggestion is to allow the consequences of his poor choices to do the work. Offer empathy but not sympathy. As a parent who loves your child, and have always been there for him, this is extremely difficult to do--but you can do it!

If he refuses to do the hard work to recover, you should think very seriously about "detaching" from him for a significant period of time.

Another good book to read on this would be, "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and Foster Kline.

All the Best,
Joe

Q I ordered your book and I am looking forward to reading it. I have a 17 year-old son that has a drug problem. I have had so many problems with the frustration of not knowing what to do--I have been so strong to stick to the tough love. My feelings were--ok now that I am using the tough love guidelines--what do I do next? It cannot possibly be that I have to sit and watch my son destroy his life.

As his mother, I find this to be just simply torture and extremely painful to watch. I am so looking forward to receiving your book. Thank you for starting a foundation that has reached out to many lives with similar situations. I hope that someday and even now God will open doors for me to do the same.

"Struggling to do the right thing"
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida

A Dear "Struggling",
I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you're having with your son. You're not alone--if that's any comfort.

Your son has two challenging issues going on at the same time. One is--being an adolescent and the other--his substance use.

Adolescence is difficult enough for many young people all by itself. These are difficult times to be a teenager. Peer pressure is huge and kids who don't get high are often left with no social life at all.

Then, adding alcohol and drugs to that "still developing brain" creates even more problems. If you haven't already, you may want to seek some professional guidance about your specific challenge. I have a pamphlet I can send you about tough love if you will send me your address. I use it a lot and it will be helpful.

Just the same, you are dealing with a teen--a child, who is often not capable of making good decisions. It may take a while for him to connect the dots. So what is a mother to do? My book will help, but you will also need someone--a friend, counselor, church group, Al-Anon etc . . . to lean on during this period of time. Stand firm and let natural consequences do the work.

The good news is that an extremely high percentage of teens do get through it and go on to live normal lives. Sometimes it's a matter of getting them "from here to there."In America, 99% of teens arrive at the age of 21--alive and healthy.

Blessings,
Joe

Q I wrote to you some time ago regarding my 19 year old daughter. You kindly sent me your book and I have learned a lot from it. My daughter is still on her course of self destruction. She is passing bad checks, owes a load of money, and has been verbally abusive to the family. She has been living with her Grandmother since getting evicted from her apt. She has been missing since yesterday afternoon. She has no phone, but has a car with expired tags. As far as we know, she is not a "Jane Doe" at the hospital. Her Grandmother did report her missing to the police department this afternoon. If she was arrested, would they tell us?
Thanks,
"Searching for answers"
Ft. Collins, CO

A Dear "Searching",
I'm sorry to hear things are not going well with your daughter. I pray that your daughter will be arrested and soon. She more than likely will be. This can be the first step toward recovery (like being put in "time out" and forced to think about what she has been doing).

You will know if she is "getting it" or not by her attitude once she is incarcerated. FYI, the worst thing you or anyone could possibly do when you get the call saying she is in jail is to bail her out. DO NOT DO THAT.

Don't rob her of this very valuable learning experience! This can be a teachable moment. Hopefully she can spend at least a few weeks there. Be ready to discourage anyone else from rescuing her as well.

Will they call you when she is arrested? I'm not sure but someone will.

I know that to some people this may sound harsh but my job is to tell you what works and what doesn't. She will/may be very angry. This is the normal adolescent reaction.

In reality you only have two choices--start what could be a very long and expensive cycle of rescuing--or allow the consequences of her poor choices to do the work.

I know this is extremely difficult. I've had to do this myself more than once. The odds are high that she will come to her senses. Trust the process.

Hang in there,
Joe

P.S. Al-Anon can be helpful if you find a good group.

Q My 18 yr. old son detoxed from heroin in the Boulder County Jail about a month ago. He now lives with me, is on probation for his crime and is staying clean. He is going to NA meetings 3x/week. I understand addiction/recovery from a personal level although my drug of choice was not heroin. After 3 years of dealing with my son's lying, outbursts, etc. . . I am trying to establish structure and guidelines to help him stay clean and to rebuild trust. I also have told him that he can't live here if he starts using again. Any suggestions? Thanks for your help and your work. I will get a copy of your book.

"Wanting to support and not enable"
Boulder, Colorado

A Dear "Wanting",
It sounds like you are already doing the right things. The adolescent phase of life is tough. He'll get through this.

The NA meetings are VERY IMPORTANT! Three times per week should be a minimum. Open AA meetings are also good. You might ask him if he has a sponsor yet? Or what step is he working on? Not in a pestering way but to just let him know you care. The key to recovery is meetings, a sponsor, and working the steps.

Praise him whenever you can for his persistence in staying clean.

Best regards,
Joe

Susan McKeownManchester, NH

Susan McKeown
Manchester, NH