Mediating Solutions
Communication - Teamwork - Productivity
November/December 2009
Volume 5, issue 5
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Greetings!
This bi-monthly newsletter is dedicated to the topic of
therapy - a subject near and dear to me.
While this may seem a departure from my mediation and conflict
resolution practice, it is not. My prior
career was that of a counselor/therapist, and those skills I now put to good
use by improving the way people function and work together.
I chose this topic at the suggestion of several friends and
colleagues who found my insights and advice illuminating when they were mired
by ineffective therapy. They encouraged
me to share my viewpoint on counseling with others. So, I share my thoughts with you today, and I
hope that you too find them helpful.
IS THERAPY HELPING?
For some, when you've been in therapy for awhile, you wonder if you're really getting the help you need. Ask yourself, have you:
- Been going for months but aren't sure if you've
made any progress?
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Arrived at each session wondering what you are
going to talk about?
- Lost track of the goals you are targeting?
If you answered "yes" to any of the previous questions,
you're probably not getting what you need out of therapy, and this article is
for you.
What to Expect From Therapy
Therapy is Meant to Provide Change
Often people engaged in therapy find their sessions have
become a way to vent their troubles and their frustrations. And, many counselors are willing to let their
client meander through therapy in this manner rather than focusing on the reasons
their client is seeking help. To get
focused, ask yourself, why am I going to therapy? What do I need help with? It can be as simple as saying "I'm unhappy",
but then the spotlight of your therapy needs to be recapturing what makes you
"happy". An hour of complaining may make
you feel better temporarily, but commiserating with a friend will often provide
that same relief. Therapy is intended to
have a deeper and more profound impact by identifying the reasons you are stuck
in an unhappy place.
Therapy is More Than an Hour a Week
Most people who meet with their therapist for one hour a
week think that they are working on themselves.
They are kidding themselves. The
truth of the matter is that the hour in session is just the starting point of
your therapy. The work of the patient is
full-time. When you are not in session,
you need to focus on your issues, problems, and goals. Think about what was discussed during the session,
and further explore your own issues.
Therapy is Relatively Fast
While each of us has unique problems, and while there is no
time-line for getting those problems worked out, the results of therapy should
begin to reveal themselves fairly quickly.
In my opinion, most patients should see some level of results within their
first 5 sessions. Result does not mean improvement - it means you feel change is underway. Your therapist is helping reveal you to
yourself (see below), and as a result changing the way you think, and the way
you see the world.
Therapy Helps to Reveal Things that are Hidden
There are the things we know, the things we don't know, and the
things we don't know that we don't know.
That last group would best be referred to as "blind-spots" and we all
have them. These blind-spots are the
crux of most therapy, as a therapist's role is to guide you and help you to
learn about yourself, by uncovering these unknowns. As you do, change comes easy.
What to Expect from Your
Therapist
Challenges to Your Thinking and Your Viewpoint
We all think we are normal and believe that the rest of the
world views things the same way as we do. Unfortunately, our perspective is
skewed by our own individual life experiences.
This returns to the concept of "blind-spots". A counselor's role is to discuss both what
you think, and why you think it. By examining the distortions within our own
reality, we are impacted in the way we view the world and therefore the way
that we live.
Being Pushed
Your
therapist is not there to be your friend.
She must do more than listen and nod her head. If you aren't talking about important topics,
she should push you to do so.
Ultimately, you therapist role is to help you see yourself more
clearly. Does your view of yourself (or
the world) match others? Do you see
things in a distorted way? A therapist
needs to do more than listen. She needs
to challenge you to examine your own thought processes.
Homework
As I mentioned before, therapy does not end at the end of
your session time. Whether it is
described as "homework" or not, you should always leave therapy with new things
to explore, new things to think about. A
therapist might ask you a question during your session that you can't
answer. Something as simple as "Why do
you think that way about ...?" If you
don't know, finding out is your homework.
As soon as you leave the session, before you even drive back to the
office or your home, write down that question.
Make it a point to think about that question until you have an answer. I recommend doing this "homework" alone -
don't cheat by asking others for the answer to your question. Start your next session by discussing this
self-revelation with your therapist.
Choosing the Right
Therapist (or improving therapy with the one you have now)
Selecting a Therapist
Like choosing a professional in
any arena -you should ask some basic questions to get a feel for the person,
and to decide if you want to give them a shot.
Remember, the ultimate test is how you feel when you begin working with
them. It's perfectly acceptable to have
one or two sessions with a therapist before you fully commit to working with
him. However, you do need to begin your
work during those initial sessions - if you don't then you can't judge the
ability of that therapist to help you.
Remember, you're looking for someone you can trust and who shows insight
into your world, you are not looking for your new best friend.
Getting Back on Track with Your Current Therapist
Most of us don't like to start
over, and often times there are ways to improve the relationship with your
current therapist. For starters, you'll
need to speak with her about your desire to make real change. Then clearly and honestly communicate with
her about what you want, and perhaps the changes you'd like her to make. If you want her to be more direct with you,
say so. If you need to be pushed to open
up, tell her. Most therapists will
happily make such style changes - after all your success is their success. |
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My insights about therapy and my knowledge of people and
their "blind-spots" add to my expertise as a mediator and conflict resolution
professional. If I can be of help to you
or your business, please email me or give me a call at (818) 400-5670.
Sincerely,
Candice Gottlieb-Clark
President, Mediating Solutions
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