Don't Forget to Laugh
Jake had sandy blonde hair, big brown eyes and pudgy cheeks. When he smiled, his grin exposed a missing front tooth. He knocked it out on the coffee table when he was learning to run. Most toddlers learn to walk first, but not Jake. You know the type-not happy at ground level and born to fly. Instead of crawling, they climb curtains and cabinets and leap from anything they can manage to conquer. But Jake's lop-sided grin didn't distract from his appearance, rather his missing tooth punctuated his liveliness. His smile seemed to declare, "Never forget to laugh. Life is too short!"
Jake didn't give lingering hugs; I don't think he could sit still long enough. The way he showed affection resembled more of a line backer than a two-year old. He pretty much tackled me with his hugs. When I'd pick him up from daycare, somehow he could distinguish the clip-clop sound of my pumps over all of the other mommies. After his little head peered around the corner of his room to verify his suspicion, in no time flat he would come barreling down the imaginary field like some invisible quarterback just hiked the ball. He must have thought I was the intended receiver because when I'd bend down to hug him, he'd just mow me down.
It's been years since I've had a hug like that though. I lost Jake in a tragic car when he was almost three. The tragedy that took his life was devastating, the pain agonizing, the horror unthinkable. The next several months were a journey through the darkness. At times, the only light seemed dimmer than a candle with a short wick. I wanted a spotlight of hope to guide me.
One of my friends who had recently lost her father made it her personal mission to encourage me. "The thing that really helps me is to memorialize my dad's life," Tina would always say.
It irritated me that she would compare the loss of her elderly father with a tragic accident that took my two year old. It's not the same thing, I told myself. She can't possibly understand what I am going through.
Trying to pretend interest, one day I finally asked her, "What do you mean by that?"
"My dad was very generous," Tina began. "He was always giving to others. When I was a little girl, I can remember loading our car up with bushels of fruit and vegetables from our farm. Then we would deliver them to people in town he knew that were struggling."
"That's nice," I said. Squirming in my seat, I secretly wondered, What's the point of this?
"My dad thrived on the smiles and gratitude that he received from the people he helped. So now that he is gone, I try to carry on his legacy. I've made it my aim to be a giver in his honor."
"Jake was two." I muttered. "What kind of legacy could he leave?"
"I'm not sure," replied Tina. "Maybe you will think of something." Pointing to some photo albums on my coffee table, she suggested, "Why don't we look at some of his pictures."
Normally my albums were proudly displayed, but for once I found myself wishing they were not exposed. I inhaled a deep sigh, wondering how long I would have to endure this torment.
It's easy for her to deal with her father's death. She spent many happy years with him. He lived a long life. He died of natural causes, not a tragic unexpected death.
As we flipped through the photo albums, Tina lingered at a picture of our family at the kitchen table. "Tell me about this one."
"Oh, I remember that night. That was the infamous night that Brittany was asking Garrett about his girlfriends at daycare."
"Garrett had girlfriends at five years old?"
"He started young," I joked. "I can remember the conversation verbatim. After Brittany asked Garrett about his girlfriends, Garrett took a deep breath. He was so serious. After he propped his elbow on the table, he cradled his chin in his hand in a classic thinker's pose. After a moment of reflection, he began the countdown. With his fist raised in the air, he exposed his thumb first as he announced the first girlfriend's name."
"Destiny, of course." he declared without even a trace of blush. "Anna and Jessica," he continued.
Eventually, Garrett's closed fist exposed the remaining fingers on his left hand. Of course by this time, everyone's attention was fixed on Garrett. Jake wasn't about to tolerate that injustice. As soon as Garrett raised his right hand to continue, Jake had had enough.
"That sounds like Jake," joked Tina.
"He always knew how to control a crowd. He thrived on being the center of attention. His main mission now was to divert interest off of Garrett and back onto himself where I'm sure he felt it was best deserved."
"True," Tina agreed. "So what happened?"
"I had his high chair scooted up to the table. Otherwise, food would be everywhere. Apparently, Jake thought he sat in a high chair was because he was more honorable than the rest of us and therefore, worthy of elevation, similar to the way a judge is perched slightly higher than the rest of the courtroom. But while Jake's position was already superior to us, he wasn't quite satisfied with his prominence. So he scooted his little hinney all the way back in his high chair and sat up as tall as he could. Next, he poked his chin high into the air to emphasize the importance of what he was about to say."
"Finally, Jake puffed his chest out, pounded his fists on his highchair tray and proudly exclaimed, 'I gotta a girlfriend!'"
"I can just hear him saying that," Tina laughed.
"His strategy worked! Immediately, all eyes were on Jake and he was obviously proud that he managed to steal the spotlight once again. But what happened next caught him totally off guard. Brittany, wide eyed with amazement, questioned Jake. 'You do, Jake? You have a girlfriend? What's her name?'"
"It didn't take long for us to realize that Jake didn't know what a girlfriend was. He had succeeded in getting the attention he felt that he desired, but now he was perplexed about how to keep it."
"So what did he do?"
"He muttered the longest 'Uhhhh...' that we had ever heard. His shoulders slumped forward as he searched our faces for a clue. Finally he sat up straight again and smiled broadly, certain that he was giving an appropriate reply. Then he boldly declared the name of his girlfriend.
"What did he say?" Tina asked.
"Garrett!"
"Oh, that is too funny."
"We thought so too. His uniformed response worked to his advantage as the entire table burst out laughing in one big huge belly laugh. The more we laughed at his innocent reply the prouder Jake became. Throughout the next several weeks, whenever he wanted to make us laugh, he would repeatedly announce, 'I gotta girlfriend!' Somehow he thought we should all be just as amused no matter how many times we heard it."
As I laid the photo album back on the coffee table and pulled the cover up over my feet, I found myself smiling.
Later that day, my husband and I sat down after dinner to watch some TV. As I picked up the remote control and turned on the television, I noticed the photo album again. It was still open to the picture at the dinner table. I smiled again. Maybe Tina was right. A happy memory is better than the sorrow I held.
I put the TV on mute.
"Remember the girlfriend story, honey?" I said pointing to the album.
"How could I forget! That was the funniest thing ever," laughed John. "Jake never shut up about that. I can still seeing him grabbing my hand and announcing, 'I gotta a girlfriend!' In fact, I bet he's in heaven now poking one of the angels in the ribs, asserting, 'I've got a girlfriend.'"
"You are probably right."
As I flipped the remote switch off mute, I realized that I had muted the joy out of Jake's memory by focusing on sorrow. Wasn't a smile better than the grief I felt? And wouldn't Jake be happy to know that I was still laughing at his joke long after he was gone?
I decided that day to take Tina's advice. The dreams I had for Jake's life may be gone, but if I hold onto happy memories, I can focus on hope. Jake may not have given out loads of produce like her father did, but he did give out loads of laughs. And while Jake may not live here on earth anymore, if I listen closely, I can still hear him trying to make me laugh with his perpetual one-liner: "I gotta girlfriend!" And no doubt by now-I'm sure he does.
