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I NEVER THOUGHT THAT TIGER WOULD...
Warning:
Some of you sportspeople may take offense in some of the comments I make in the following piece. Just remember that I'm only ½ serious in my intros. If you choose the right half you should be OK.
End of warning.
I believe people from small countries are inherently born with some kind "national inferiority complex". Let's take Switzerland as an example, totally randomly of course: with a population of only about ½ million more than Massachusetts and a land area that could fit twice in that of Maine, it's really just a tiny dot on the globe.
Tiny but obviously not happy to be so: Our banks have always worked very hard to match the other world financial institution's efficiency and corruption levels. Our own Nestle Multi-Mega-Corporation is fighting alongside other food giants like Kraft and Nabisco trying to control the world's food supplies. And even though Switzerland gave the right to vote for women sometimes in the seventies, they caught up very quickly with the rest of the world and have since had a Women President.
Another consequence of this " little country syndrome" is that, when we produce results or celebrities that become know and renown well beyond our limited borders, we really bask in their glory, and we're quick to boast about them.
records held by compatriots
Did you know that the most expensive work of art ever sold in an auction (104.3 million dollars) is "L'Homme qui Marche" a bronze statue by Giacometti?.
We can also become very protective of our heroes and champions and feel horribly betrayed if the rest of the world doesn't see them in the same glowing light as we do.
Needless to say that I never expected that Tiger Woods would be voted "Sportsman of the Decade". Very unfair, at least from the perspective of a Non-Golfer-Tennis-Lover Swiss. VERY unfair. But even though Roger Federer should clearly have been chosen, I have to admit it must have been a difficult choice. First they had to be clear about what activity actually qualifies a sport. I could describe sport as a physical activity that combines athletic abilities, strength, strategic skills, intelligence of play, and endurance.
Smart Sweat in 2 words.
The Sweat part already rules out a number of activities, like baseball for example, where players spend more time sitting, standing, spitting, than actually exerting themselves physically (remember: I LOVE baseball, don't click on the "unsubscribe" button yet).
The Smart part eliminates a whole lot of other sports, like football: can't take a game called football seriously when it is played almost all the time with the hands, and where viewers prefer watching the commercials than the actual game, according to a recent Nielsen poll about the last Superbowl. (OK, I admit, I don't care much for American football, but don't look for the unsubscribe button yet, I'm not done...)
Anyway, my disappointment was great when I learned that Tiger Woods had been chosen over Federer, I really thought that the tennisman's accomplishments were far superior, until I learned that Tiger Woods had also been voted Best Animal of the Decade, Best Natural Habitat of the Decade, and The Decade's Greatest Lover. I was so impressed by this multidisciplinary accomplishment that I just had to meet this Super-Champion. I took off my picture framing apron, put on my sports interviewer's hat and went to look for Mr Woods. I found him at a local dance club where he was practicing his swing:
Me: Hello Mr Woods, do you hang out here a lot?
TW: Mmmh, I prefer not to answer this question.
Me: So, you enjoy this swinging session?
TW: Mmmmh, I prefer not to answer this question.
Me: I can see that you were not Most Loquacious Personality of the Decade.
TW: And you don't have to worry about ever being Best Interviewer ...
Me: Well, let's move on shall we. How do you feel about this Sportsman of the Decade award?
TW: I feel great of course, great but not surprised. I deserve this recognition, I am the Best... OUCH!!!!
Me: Oh sorry Mr Woods, I didn't mean to kick you in the shin. What about the other awards, Best Natural Habitat? Best Animal?
TW: Glad people saw the Woods and the Tiger in me, but honestly I myself would have voted for the polar bear, after all he may never get another chance.
Me: You may be right. You are smarter than some of your recent activities let us believe. Speaking of which: what about Lover of the Decade, you must have been pretty flattered about that, no? How many girlfriends did you have, a dozen?
TW: 14 I think. Not bad yes, but I wish they would have counted 2010 as part of the decade. A decade stopping at 09, how stupid is that?
Me: I understand, but why?
TW: Well you know, that would have given me a bit more time. As a golfer you can't really feel fully satisfied until the 18th.
Me: I am quite surprised that you can talk so crudely about all this. What about your wife? She doesn't count?
TW: Oh yes, I'm sorry. That makes 15 then.
Me: I think we're better off changing the subject. I heard Nike is breaking ties with you , are you worried about that?
TW: Are you sure you only have about 500 readers? If so I think I can safely tell you that Nike had to do that for obvious reasons, but they still believe in me. We have found ways for me to still endorse the company, take a look at these pictures:
Me: Thank you Mr Woods, it's been very, how shall I say, revealing. I really think we better finish this interview now. Just one last question if you don't mind. What can a Sportsman of the Decade possibly dream of now, what more is there to accomplish?
TW: Well, I think I'm going to try to do the same thing by practicing a real sport.
It was time for Mr woods to resume his dance lesson, and for me to wake up and go to work.
(hey you golfers out there: remember, don't take me too seriously, and stop looking for the unsubscribe button! Serious stuff ahead!)
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I wrote this silly little piece last month. Since then Mr Woods has entered a rehab program for sexual addiction and may never play golf at the same level again, while his friend Mr Federer won his 16th Grand Slam tournament, consolidated his world #1 ranking and is just a few weeks away from breaking one of the last remaining records he has yet to beat: the total number of weeks as world's #1 . He already holds the record for consecutive weeks, 237, that's more than 4 ½ years.
Oh yes: did I mention he was Swiss?
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