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The following excerpt is from a speech given by Dr. Eleanor Campbell, from a radio broadcast in New York City on May 18, 1936. Eleanor Anderson Campbell (1878-1959) was the founder and director of the Judson Health Center, a health and dental clinic serving 45,000 residents of the lower west side of New York City. The Center was the largest clinic of its kind in the United States, setting standards in preventive medicine at a time when preventive care had not yet made it to the agenda of public health. Eleanor Campbell was an exceptional woman who made a difference in the lives of thousands of families. The context of her article is amazingly modern, even relevant for today's parents.
Please note her speech has been left as originally recorded.
"The biggest handicaps which some children have are their parents. No parent would intentionally be such a handicap. Yet many are without knowing it. We hear a good deal about problem children. What about the problem parents? I once heard a noted mental specialist say: 'There are very few problem children, there are a great many problem parents.' In this, I thoroughly agree.
Far too many mothers bring their children to my clinic either with such a complete indifference toward them, or with such overindulgence, that you know you cannot arouse cooperation. Sometimes they come with such mutual and emotional misunderstanding even advanced antagonism between parent and child that it has been a distinct shock to me. All too often the mother has come saying, in front of the child: "He so fresh, he so bad, I can do nothing with him." The sullen little fellow of only five or six looks up at the parent criticizing him to a stranger, with a look of resentment and hate that is appalling. Right here we see the beginnings of a problem child, the developing of a mental and emotional attitude of antagonism which will be carried into the future relationships of life, the beginnings of a possible criminal. It is wise to have conferences to discuss the eradication of the crime problem. But it is not around a conference table that crime will be eradicated. It must be met first of all in the problem parent and the handling of the little child in its home.
The first, and chief cause, is ignorance. Most parents, even where there is noticeable antagonism, seem to develop a deep love for their children. With patience and tact, they can be shown, they can be taught to understand their children's needs, more easily in regard to their physical needs, than given an appreciation of child psychology. To many adults, the child is regarded as a "little grown-up," while he really lives in a complete world of his own, which an intelligent parent should attempt to learn about and appreciate.
A second and more difficult cause for problem parents is the emotional difficulties which they are suffering. Too often the parent is unadjusted, upset and distressed. Often with parents afraid to let out their pent-up emotions on another "grown-up," the child becomes the recipient of these emotions, of unjust fault findings, scoldings or whippings.
A third, but less frequent and more hopeless cause is indifference. Here, in the mother, lacking the normal affection for the child, we have a personality problem to be handled by the psychiatrist. The only hope for the child lies here, or in finding a new home for him.
Anxious parents lead to troubled children who are unable to meet life today without fear and tension. The parent who is habitually tense and fearful has had his fears and anxiety increased in the last few years. Children who, above all else, need security in the home day after day find parents too preoccupied with worries over rent, discouragement over fruitless job hunting, to give them as much as a kind glance or a cheerful word. Most children are so sensitive that these experiences leave scars upon them."
Drawing from this speech given over seven decades ago, we see parallels in the issues facing parents and children today. Recent statistics show just how needed healthy parenting is in today's society.
Within the next 30 minutes:
· 2 kids will attempt suicide
· 57 adolescents will run away from home
· 14 teens will give birth out of wedlock
· 22 girls will get abortions
· 686 kids will use one of the many drugs available
· 188 will abuse alcohol
· In the 1940's, the California Department of Education reported the greatest problems in the classroom were talking in class, chewing gum, running in the halls, and not putting paper in the wastebasket.
· Today, the California Department of Education reports the greatest problems in the classroom are alcohol and drug abuse, teen suicide, teen pregnancy, venereal disease, and murder.
Principles for Today's Parent
 Overindulgence versus Healthy Limits
Children and teens need boundaries. The most deprived children are those who have to do nothing in order to get what they want. Contrary to what they might think or say, teens develop into more responsible, healthier, and better prepared adults after their parents begin to apply the basic principles of setting age appropriate limits. Jennifer Graves, Middle School Counselor at Briarcrest Christian School, says "Many of the problems being acted out by children today result from the type of parenting they are receiving at home". Jennifer goes on to say that the two types of parenting she observes most frequently are "helicopter parents or disconnected parents". She describes helicopter parents as those who are overindulgent, monitoring and keeping track of their child's every move, and giving no responsibility, or freedom, to their children. Jennifer describes disconnected parents as those who operate by a laissez faire philosophy. They leave the raising of their children to someone else and reward their children with total freedom. The answer in finding the balance is to be an integrated parent. First, get involved with people who can help you learn to be truthful and loving at the same time, such as a friend, pastor, or counselor. Next, surround yourself with other adults who put love and limits together. Our children need to experience other adults who model good attitudes, are connected, and who also enforce rules and consequences. Third, write out rules ahead of time and make your child aware of the consequences when rules are broken. This will also hold you accountable to the limits discussed and written down. Finally, give your teen consistency. Connect with your teen, while working to stay consistent, independent of mood or circumstances.
Ignorance versus Awareness
As Christian parents, many of us ignore the reality of the supernatural battle warring for our hearts and minds, as well as those of our children. We have become complacent, even tolerant of this evil influence permeating our society. Perhaps it is time for us to stop ignoring obvious signs and the price that is being paid. Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord". Why? Romans 5:3-5 says, "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope...". It is our duty as Christian parents to set boundaries with our children, because as Paul says, the boundaries or sufferings will produce character. Healthy boundaries give them the structure, self-control, and sense of ownership they need to answer the question "Who am I?".
Teens don't have the necessary tools to become responsible, thoughtful, and empathetic with others. Like a tree sapling, they need support from the outside. Parents act as a stake in the ground providing stability when the winds of life come. Parents are the temporary, external structure and tension children need as they develop a strong and deep root system. When parents are aware of how their personal issues affect their parenting, the home becomes a safe and authentic environment. When parents tell the truth, set limits, establish curfews, and confront misbehavior appropriately, they are providing the resources necessary for healthy growth and development. Don't ignore the structure your child needs. The more they are exposed to healthy, and helpful, people and experiences, the more likely they will exhibit a healthy resilience to life's challenges.
Emotionally Detached versus Healthy Connection
At the core of every child is a longing for acceptance, love, and validation. Parents, they need you! First, model a life of love and structure. Spending quality time with your children, showing them grace when they make mistakes, and exposing them to gospel truth, all will strengthen their character. Secondly, work on your own growth. If we are emotionally detached in our own relationships, we are likely to become detached from our children. Parenting tends to expose our weaknesses in a way that few experiences do. God can and will use this time of raising children as a time of growth, working on those weaknesses and areas that need to mature or heal. Remember to reach out to small groups, a healthy church, and a support group with other parents of teens, and counseling when you are stumped. Third, seek God. The problems and frustrations your child may be experiencing do not catch God off guard. Just as the psalmist says in Psalm 139, God knit your child together in the womb, formed his or her inward parts, and they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Parents need to develop self-awareness. Are you willing to ask God to search you, to know your heart, to try you, in order to model authenticity for your children?
We hope so. Healthy parents have a much better opportunity to impact children in a manner that builds the strength needed for the storms of life.
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