The Mosaic Newsletter from HeartLife

Randy is a popular 16-year-old football player who attends a private Christian school. He recently received his driver's license and his father bought him a car. A few months prior, his father
met with Randy's principal who expressed concern that Randy's grades, behavior, and peer group had begun to deteriorate. Randy's dad while concerned, was a busy executive and chose
to ignore the problem instead of confronting it.

Early one September morning, Randy's parents received a call from the local police. They were startled awake when a patrolman explained to them that their son had been arrested the night before while driving under the influence of alcohol. This really should have come as no surprise to either of them because of Randy's recent history and their refusal to set firm limits with him after several warning signs.

After spending a night in Juvenile Court, Randy was transferred to a local treatment program. The problem Randy and his parents are dealing with today is all too common in our society. Parents are giving their teens privileges without responsibility and ignoring their God-given responsibility as guardians.

Let's look at some startling statistics from the FBI on juvenile crime:

· The juvenile arrest rates for simple assaults dramatically increased by over 150% between the late 1980s and 1990s and reached a historical high by 2001

· Approximately 20% of teens between the ages of 12 and 17 (3.3 million) reported using alcohol within the last month and people ages 12-20 years drink 11% of all alcohol consumed in the United States.

· According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), juveniles accounted for 17% of all arrests and 15% of all violent crime arrests in 2001. School failure, negative peer groups, and uninvolved parenting are all strong predictors of juvenile arrest

The 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that among high school students, during the past 30 days:

·42% drank some amount of alcohol.
·24% binge drank.
·10% drove after drinking alcohol.
·28% rode with a driver who had been drinking alcohol.

I have worked with many parents over the years whose teens have been arrested. It is often more devastating for the parents than for the teen. Parents experience shame, guilt, and helplessness while many times the teen learns a valuable lesson in reality. Juvenile arrests often force the teen and his/her parents into counseling since treatment is frequently mandated by the juvenile justice system. This mandate can be valuable for parents who have tried to get help for an uncooperative teen. It is also helpful for the teen "asking" for help with his/her behavior whose parents have ignored signals in the past. As Christian parents we must love our teens in a manner that is best for them - not in a way that is easiest for us.

Unless a teen is a "repeat offender", a brief but powerful experience with the juvenile justice system will probably not be reflected on their permanent record. Many parents spend too much money on attorneys to get the problem to go away and too little on professional help to confront and resolve the problem. Most juvenile justice professionals are willing to require treatment, as a stipulation of probation, upon parental request. In most cases, the teen's record will be expunged following successful completion of counseling or treatment. Talk to the judge or a juvenile court counselor and ask for help so the first experience will be a healing one, and the only one.

Great parents have teens
who make bad choices

It has also been my experience that even "great parents",
who do everything right, Edit Image

may have teens who make bad choices. Typically, these parents experience extreme guilt
and begin to take responsibility for their teen's bad choices. This is a critical mistake, since it prevents the teen from taking responsibility and increases the likelihood that they will
continue their destructive patterns. We must allow our teens
to suffer the consequences of their poor choices if we want
them to develop Godly character.

The most deprived teens
do nothing and still get what they want

I would like to illustrate this point with Romans 5:3-5 (ESV), "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Many teens today have a "McDonalds" (I want it now) orientation and lack endurance, character, and hope. I often tell parents that the most deprived teens are the ones that have to do nothing in order to get what they want.

It is critical that we allow our teens to "suffer" (face trials and afflictions) because the end result of persevering/enduring, or "bearing up", under trials is hope. Hope is something sadly lacking among our youth today and much of it may be our responsibility. I have often heard successful fathers say, "I don't want my son to work or suffer the way I did growing up - I want to give him all the things I didn't have." This is a serious mistake that many of us make. This principle is so important for us to understand. As a teen "suffers" (deals with consequences or trials), they develop the ability to endure (persevere), character deepens and results in the hope that with God's help, they will make
it through.

There is another general principle that says for our children to enjoy a long and healthy life, they should honor and obey their parents. In Ephesians 6:1-3 (ESV), the Apostle Paul is clear, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise) 'that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the land'." If our children are promised to enjoy a long life on earth for obedience, then the opposite is also true. If our children are disobedient and dishonoring, their life may well be in jeopardy. Unfortunately, I have seen this latter principle demonstrated many times. I often tell parents that obedience is the act and honor is the attitude.

Fathers and mothers can greatly facilitate the process of obedience and honoring by following the admonition in Ephesians 6:4 (ESV), ^"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Parents are not to provoke or antagonize their teens with unreasonable or inconsistent demands. Teens often become exasperated and frustrated with unreasonable demands, leading to anger and acting out. As adults, we are the ones responsible for setting the tone. Too many parents act as if their teens are a "short-term" loan instead of a "long-term" investment.
It is not easy, especially today. Someone humorously said that "if raising a child was easy, it would have never started with something called labor".

Josh McDowell once said, "a father or mother who demonstrates the kind of compassion, consistency, character, and integrity that results in being a positive
role model is a hero." Our teens need a hero.

The Four "A" principles
that will help our teens
see us as Heroes

Admonishment

Parents need to firmly, fairly, and consistently reprove their teens. When we fail to discipline our children, it negatively affects their self worth and they fail to develop self-control. Discipline gives them security even though they will challenge it. In the 12^th chapter of Hebrews the writer tells us that God disciplines those He loves and calls legitimate sons and daughters. Why should our standard be any less?

Affection

We are to nourish and feed them emotionally and spiritually. Calvin translates it,
"let them be kindly cherished." Girls especially need to be shown affection - physical contact - by their fathers. A father who is a hero will take time to show affection to his children.

Availability

An absentee father and working mother can create a catastrophe in the home. Dr. Billy Graham said, "parents who have little time for their children will allow a great vacuum to develop - some kind of ideology will move into the vacuum."

Acceptance

Each child is a unique creation of God. We should learn to accept and embrace their differences. If a child feels he/she is not accepted, they feel they are not loved.
If they feel rejected, they will rebel.