 A Young Man's Secret Sin
by Steve Riser, LPC
Pornography and Sexual Addiction are prevalent problems in the Church today. It seems everywhere you turn someone is losing their job, marriage and even their family due to pornography and sexual addiction. Pornography is even affecting the lives of children as young as 11 years old.
Here is some of the data:
More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month [1] and the average age of first exposure to Internet pornography is 11 years. [2] Crimes against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire revealed that among 10 to 17 year olds who use the Internet, 42% acknowledged being exposed to online pornography. In that pool of 1500 teens, 630 had either wanted or unwanted exposure to pornography; 66% of those came by it unintentionally. [3] Youth with significant exposure to sexuality in the media were shown to be 2.2 times more likely to have had intercourse between the ages of 14 and 16. [4] 70% of 15-17 year olds indicated they accidentally viewed pornography online; 23% said they viewed it "very," or "somewhat" often. A majority (55%) of those who were exposed to pornography say they were "not too," or "not at all" upset by it. [5]
By the time they reach early adulthood many young men are hooked. How do you as a parent or authority figure in a child's life protect him from pornography and the destruction of sexual addiction?
ANATOMY OF SEXUAL ADDICTION
As Dr. Victor Cline describes it, those who get trapped by sexual addiction walk through the following stages:
EARLY EXPOSURE: at a young age where porn gets a foot in the door. ADDICTION: repeated viewing habits develop and they are hooked. They try everything they know to stop and cannot seem to quit. ESCALATION: Hours spent hunting for more explicit pornography. Porn a young man previously found disgusting, now excites him. DESENSITIZATION: the participant builds up a tolerance to the images he sees. He becomes numb to the "old stuff...and the thrill is gone." A teen becomes desperate to feel the same thrill again, but he can't find it. ACTING OUT: moving from the paper and plastic images of porn into the real world, with real people, in destructive ways.
Let's define sexual sin and sexual addiction, as well as highlight a few basic underlying factors that contribute to sexual addiction in our culture. Sexual sin is any violation or omission of God's prescribed pattern of sexuality outlined in Scripture. In its most basic form, sexual addiction (the most common term used in our culture) is compulsive sexual thoughts and/or demonstrating compulsive sexual behavior that deviates from God's intended model of biblical sexuality. Sexual addiction and pornography are artificial ways to find true intimacy and connection apart from authentic intimate relationships. Addiction to pornography and sex is inherently a relational disorder. A basic understanding of addiction recognizes that a primary source of sexual addiction is isolation. This struggle can look different in each individual, but essentially this means  that most who struggle with this are disconnected relationally. This means that typically they have few, or no friends, and are often described as "staying to themselves." In masculine circles it is deemed uncool or effeminate to have close male friends, but effective therapy makes developing close male friendships an indispensable component of healing. The effected need to know that they are not alone, and there is a band of brothers willing to collectively pursue the wisdom given us through Scripture. James 5:16 tells us, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" Not only is isolation a key source of sexual sin, it is also the end result. GUILT and SHAME Guilt and shame are two key components that drive our brothers into this destructive cycle. Guilt is represented by the idea "I have done something bad," whereas shame is the idea "I am something bad." Guilt is an issue of "doing" and shame is an issue of "being". Guilt is a much easier issue to deal with than shame. With shame, people feel defective at the core of their being. All who struggle with sexual sin have shame as an essential issue that must be addressed. Helping them to understand their identity as a son of God is a first step to authentic and lasting change. This is a process to be sure. It is important that those who struggle understand the dynamic of how they use "distorted sex" to attempt to cover shame - yet what they are really doing is only deepening shame. Sexual sin must be addressed in the context of relationship where we can be loved at the very core of our being. BUILDING A SAFE PLACE The final issue that drives one to sexual sin is a failure to deal with relational pain in a healthy way. Many young men who struggle with this issue have difficulty appropriately expressing emotions like fear, anger, sadness, or disappointment in healthy ways. Guys who stuff emotions, feel unworthy or isolated, are at risk. They use pornographic images to anesthetize the pain they are experiencing inside. The Body of Christ needs to be a safe place for those who struggle with sexual sin. The Church must balance grace and confrontation in a manner that leads to repentance and restoration. As James reminded us in James 5:19,20: "My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."
If you really want to help, ask yourself if your local faith community provides a secure environment for young men to share their own pain and struggles with others who understand and have similar values. Or do they see church as "the place where we cannot talk about our struggles openly." Make your home and church a place that offers a chance to swim against the stream of a secular culture that says porn is normal, and against the stream of a Church culture that won't talk about real problems. It has been said that, "the young man who rings the door at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God" [6]. The same can be said of those in our culture who pursue sex and pornography outside of God's design. My hope and prayer is that the Church begins dealing with these issues as Jesus did. He dealt with what was transpiring in the "heart," not merely behavior. Sexual sin is an attempt to connect in a distorted way. The church should be a safe place where those who are broken and hurting can come and kneel at the feet of Jesus and receive healing and restoration. After all this is what Christ came to do - "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners . . . (Isaiah 61:1)." PRACTICAL STEPS
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Place an Internet filter on your computer, as well as website tracking software that reports back on any site a user visits and cannot be deleted, erased or hidden.
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Monitor what your child/teen views online.
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Keep computers out of a child's bedroom; instead keep it in an open, public or community space in the home.
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Educate your child and teen on the long-term consequences of pornography exposure. Remember that they don't think naturally in terms of the future and consequences. 
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Don't shame your child when you find out that he has been exposed. Remain calm. And don't ignore the problem, that only increases the shame.
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Limit his time on the Internet. Help him to develop healthy social interactions away from the computer.
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Be proactive. Learn to talk openly with your kids about issues of sex and sexuality. If YOU don't someone else certainly will. If you ignore communication with your child you are in essence allowing culture to dominate in the area of sexuality.
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Educate yourself on the normal responses of teen-aged boys to the temptations of our culture. While succumbing to viewing pornography is not acceptable; remember that the more exposure he has to the current culture, the more desensitized your child will be.
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[1] Statistics on Pornography, Sexual Addiction, and Online Perpetrators from safefamilies.org.
[3] Pediatrics Vol. 119, no. 2 February 2007, pp. 247-257.
[4] Report in Pediatrics, April, 2006.
[5] Kaiser Family Foundation. Generation Rx.com: how young people use the Internet for health information. Menlo Park (CA) 7 Kaiser Family Foundation; 2001.
[6] Variously ascribed to Chesterton, St. Francis, and St. Augustine, documented source of this quotation is the book The World, The Flesh, and Father Smith by Bruce Marshall (1945). |
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Sincerely,
Stressed Out Kids
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