HeartLife Professional Soul-Care Newsletter

Maybe you found a same-sex chat, website or link on the computer. Maybe you've heard a rumor from one of the other parents or teens at church. Or maybe your child has finally just told you that he/she feels they are gay. What do you do? How do you handle it?

First, understand that you cannot make your son or daughter magically denounce these feelings. You may receive counsel from your pastor or therapist, but this is an issue that is complex and requires a special person to help them walk out of this destructive process. Only God can bring about change in conjunction with a willing heart. This process of change is true for any issue of sin or brokenness we deal with in our lives.

Most parents have an immediate desire to challenge, correct, and "fix" sexual sin. Your immediate response to beat your child over the head with Scripture will likely only serve to drive him away. In some cases a child may feel so rejected that he makes plans to run away or move out once he turns eighteen. In nearly all cases, a child who feels the sting of rejection will withdraw and no longer share himself with you. Don't do anything that will further decrease your influence in his life.

Many young people deal with same-sex attractions (SSA) for years by the time a parent discovers it. It took him time to get where he is in his thinking. It will take time to work it out. Though we are all conditioned to want immediate change, the process may not always go the way you want it to initially. So, set realistic expectations about change and remember IT TAKES TIME.

Recognize that you are likely going through a grieving process yourself. Your fears, devastation, heartache, anger and perhaps even revulsion will come to the surface. Many parents go through the typical stages of grief as they attempt to process heartbreaking news -- which include (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression and finally, (5) acceptance of difficult circumstances.

Here are five suggestions for parents and authority figures:

Don't freak out! - At heart, your child needs and craves the AGAPE love that God gives to us through Christ. Your initial response can set the tone for a decade's worth of future interaction. Think of the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, he didn't freak out with his wayward son. He was the father who continued to show them love even when he was rejected.

Struggling with SSA does not mean that their sexual identity is "set in stone" as many teens are still experimenting and finding out who they are.
Often parents, churches, and youth ministers jump to conclusions and label teens.
It doesn't mean that your child's life is over. God is still able to work out any situation for His good.
Don't disown your child or assume every friend is a danger. In part, your child may have kept his secret for so long out of fear of your response. "Will they love me? Am I valuable even if . . .?"

Listen! -- Ask questions in an open and inviting way.

Don't avoid talking about your child's sexuality as you grieve. Even withdrawing love for a few days can be viewed as total rejection. Like Jesus with Zaccheus the tax-collector, the woman at the well, Peter the denier, and Paul the murderer, what these young people need is love and validation as a person.
Actions speak louder than words. They already know what you think and feel. They will be looking at your actions. They will take how you respond to them on a day-to-day basis as a mirror of how God responds to them. Now is the time to build bridges by listening. You don't have to agree in order to listen respectfully.
Find out who your child really is? What is the narrative of their journey in life that you didn't know about? How did they get to this spot?
Avoid reminding them that their sin is an abomination, unless you are going to also point out that Uncle Harry's lies, Aunt Karen's "idolatry" of her grandchildren, and your own pride are equal abominations to God.
As you openly listen to them, they will more openly listen to you.

Trust God for change. - Let's go back to the story of the Prodigal Son because that is the point of this parable, the father's loving response.

The father's response was continual prayer for his son.
He was constantly ready to receive him back.
The father didn't go out and change his son. He allowed God to do the work and conviction for him. He modeled God's love and engaged the Holy Spirit as "Convicter of Sin" through his daily prayer life for his son.
The son never forgot the love and integrity of his father. He hoped his father would receive him home. He thought the best he could hope for was slavery. Instead he returned as a highly favored.

Continue to pray; set loving boundaries that are not harsh but allow for natural consequences. Always maintain an open home where they will WANT to come back if they find themselves in trouble.

Find support for yourself. You are not alone.

Educate yourself on the resources, therapy, groups and testimonies of change that are available. Remind yourself that God is still able to meet your needs and those of your child.
The shame, rage, anger, or heartbreak you feel is not unique and does not last forever. There are Christ-centered ministries that truly have help for you. There are parents all over the Mid-South area who know exactly how you feel and have found grace to "go out to the road daily," trusting in God to work in their child's life.
Holding shame and hurt in at times can reflect pride; another tool Satan wants to use to keep your family apart.
Connecting with other families will serve as an encouragement for you and a chance for the pain others have gone through to bear fruit, as they give back to you some of the comfort they have received themselves on their own grief journey.

Help.

As a parent, you can and will decide if you bring your child to therapy. But know that his or her plan for therapy will not be the same as yours.
Let therapy become a way to offer them a chance to talk with someone objectively.
Offer help for them when they are ready.
Let therapy be the means by which they find a way to live out their lives in conjunction with their spiritual beliefs and values - values that you've worked hard to instill over their developing years.

Our Godless culture embraces sexual sin in many ways. We are up against an enemy whose desire is to "kill, steal, and destroy." Lack of love, patience, and awareness of your own shame and guilt have the potential to destroy kids with SSA. This is an issue that requires parents to have an awareness of how their reaction can be destructive. You need support so you can love your kids as your Father loves you.

Every day the Father looked for his son to come over the hill. One day he did. Not because of his own efforts but because there were consequences and God allowed him to see what no one else could. The Father was ready when his son finally came home.

Contact KC Winters for information about support available to you as a parent, pastor, or influential person in the life of someone who struggles with SSA.