In the Affirmative Newsletter by Erika Oliver
|
|
|
Happiness Empire - Dig Deep!
with 6 Fun Ways to Bust-a-(Bad)-Mood
|
|
Greetings!
Something had been bugging me. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy but I was in a really bad mood. The mood lingered and didn't succumb to my usual happy tactics. So, I asked myself, "Why are you in such a bad mood?" There was no immediate answer so I looked around for the cause, the culprit, the creator of my irritation. Still nothing. It was time for crabbiness diagnostics.
I decided to use an exercise I learned quite awhile ago. Starting with major topic areas in your life - health, family, work, money, home - you think about each and notice how your body responds. If you get a positive or neutral response, that topic area is not the source of the problem. If a negative feeling comes up - tense muscles, pit in your stomach, head pain -you are on to something. Once you know the major topic area causing your issue, divide that into subareas and think about each until you arrive at the specific cause.
I thought about my physical health. Maybe it was that "special" time of transition in my mature woman's life? Could be hormone havoc but when I checked my body I felt neutral. Young adult sons? They got on my very last nerve sometimes but not more than usual. Work? My work was (is) with the greatest people I had ever met and I felt happy when I thought about what was next. Financial stress? Who couldn't use more money? But there was enough to pay bills and have some fun - no angst there. In-laws or relatives? I felt good when I thought about my extended family.
No signals or signs to pinpoint the problem. What else? Survey my environment ... jack pot! Once I focused on my home, it took less than a minute to solve the problem puzzle. I just had to think about walking into my house and the fumes of tension bubbled right up until my shoulders almost touched my ears! What was bothering me was right under my feet, literally. It was the shoes! I didn't even have to subdivide into topic areas - I knew they were the source.
Shoes everywhere. I'm not kidding. I counted fourteen pairs of shoes strewn about the garage entrance to our home. The mostly large (and some quite smelly) shoes ran free like Woodstock attendees. Lying anywhere they wanted, they exposed themselves and leaked into other parts of the house. No wonder I was in a bad mood! Every day I was forced to navigate the shoe land mine.
I did a recount - the pile had grown! I counted 18 pairs - 36 individual - shoes! In a house of four people? Added to the usual bunch were girlfriend slippers and cutie shoes, old gym shoes resurrected to mow the lawn and visitors' shoes slipped off in respect to not track dirt on our already dirty rugs. I wondered if there was a shoe-rider on our homeowner's policy and if we might need it.
Once I identified this source of my funk I set about eliminating the cause. I added a shoe rack to the already present - and usually empty - shoe mat. I neatly arranged the shoes between the two holders but by the end of the day they had all escaped! I asked everyone (including the girlfriends) to help keep the shoes in order - no takers. For the next few days I moped around the house muttering foot-wear complaints that no one seemed to hear. They ignored me or smiled with a glitter of "you'll get over it" in their eyes.
As I shared 3 Good Things with my husband one night in the midst of shoe wars, I noticed how much I wanted to complain about the shoes instead looking for good things. Then I understood with an instant alertness just like the moment you realized you drove away with something on the roof of your car. It wasn't the shoes ... it was the chaos that bothered me! The shoes symbolized a lack of control I felt about the changes happening in my life and the changes around me. It felt like everything was (and still is) moving so fast and I was scared that I didn't know top from bottom. I was trying to control one small thing in an attempt to feel control over many things.
Then I remembered Chaos Theory from high school. It's a mathematical theory that describes complex systems. The idea is that the chaos - or seeming pandemonium - is really an organized system with a purpose. In other words, the surface disarray was really a very complex, purposeful mass with meaning. The disorder had order - I just didn't know what it was! So the shoes could really be a meaningful part of something larger and organized. Was that a breeze of hope I felt? Maybe there was a bigger picture within the chaos where peace existed. But how would I find it?
My husband interrupted my light-bulb-moment asking if I had even heard him share his good things. I apologized and asked for a repeat. He talked about getting to know someone a bit better at work, he shared the joy of running with our oldest son that morning, and how happy he was to be home with me. My husband's good things were more than a list - each of his good things had a deeper meaning.
My good things that day were: sunshine, good coffee, and having lunch with a friend. Nothing wrong with those - they were good - but then I realized they were not deep treasures like my husband shared. I was regurgitating flimsy moments quickly collected to complete a task. There was no digging deep on my end. I had fallen into a habit of just listing stuff without contemplating my whole day to uncover the juicy, happy moments. I had stopped building a Three Good Things empire - a fortress of happiness - with blocks of gold from my day.
I asked for a redo round of good things. Pushing past the disorder, bad mood, and usual good things I looked for hidden gems. OMG! The shoes! The shoes were my first good thing! Within the chaos the shoes symbolized a greater purpose of family. My house was full of people who love me and each other. I was not alone (the treacherous path through my kitchen proved it), and all was well. Stunned by this learning I couldn't think of two more things - the shoes were already so much good. But, I needed two more. Lunch with my friend was good but the real good was specifically when she shared a personal concern with me as her trusted friend. My third second round choice was gratitude for letting myself be in a bad mood but not giving up on finding my way back to my happy place.
Dig deep for good things to find another level of appreciation. By all means appreciate what is easy to see in each day but know that pushing yourself to uncover the juiciness - digging for the buried good - is what builds a happiness empire. My happiness foundation had gotten weak from my lazy listing and the shoes - and other chaos -got to me. Now I happily (ok sometimes it still irritates me) skip over and through the shoes as I remember that they - and the people who wear them - are my good things every day, no matter what!
Wishing you deep digging for your Happiness Empire!
Erika :)
P.S. Bad moods occur and give you information that something is happening that isn't serving you - listen and be open to what needs to change. If a bad mood is really bad and lasts too long, I recommend taking David Burn's Depression Checklist. It's quick and easy and can help you decide if you (as I have) need help in addition to your daily Three Good Things. |
 Happy Change Step 2:
Process Negative Feelings (step 1 was in the April/May issue)
Bad moods - and stuff we don't expect or wish for - happen. That's the mystery of life. If we process our bad moods - and feelings - as they happen, however, we will uncover great learning about ourselves and have a much easier time working through change.
Bad moods are actually a gift. They are information to make our lives better, messages that it's time for reflection, and opportunities to sift through the internal and external information that enters our senses every day. But, as great as that insight sounds, no one wants to be in a bad mood and most of us have never been taught how to process one. We are taught we should get over it by ignoring, medicating or blaming and are told we should just be happy, it could be worse, or it is only temporary. When bad moods are ignored (or bad feelings are downplayed) they come back (and keep returning) until processing happens. Below are 6 steps to process a bad mood in a healthy - and efficient - way so you can get back to all the good things.
- Let the bad mood happen. When bad moods - or negative feelings strike - don't try to get rid of them right away. Let them happen. The only way to really move past a mood is to move through it. As uncomfortable as it feels, just sit in the discomfort and let yourself feel bad. The length of time this takes depends on the situation. According to the American Medical Association stress causes more than 75% of all illness. Denying a bad mood is stressful and will make you sick!
- Thank your negative feelings. Feeling bad - or mad, scared, hurt, sad - is a message from you to you that something is off base in your world. Say "thank you"(out loud is best) to your feelings for letting you know that something is wrong. As you feel uncomfortable feelings, appreciate the gift of information.
- Feel before you DO anything. You understandably want to do something to make negative feelings go away as soon as possible. Before "doing" can be effective, however, there must be an adequate amount of time (depending on the situation) of feeling bad. If you take action before the feelings are processed you risk 1) solving the wrong problem - our first thought of what is bothering us is usually either wrong or not the full story, 2) acting out in anger and causing pain to others which causes regret and must later be fixed, and 3) only postponing bad feelings that come back with gusto (increased pain). Wait a few minutes, a couple of hours or - better yet - a day or more to allow complete processing.
- Feel bad but think good. Let your body and emotions cry, mope, and sizzle with anger but only think good about yourself (it's okay for me to feel bad and I will get through this), about the present (I am grateful for the information I am receiving) and about the future (it will all work out as it should even if I can't see how just yet). Keeping your thoughts in the positive allows for the quickest, and most effective, bad mood busting.
- Share, don't be stingy. Confide in someone - a friend, a person who has experienced something similar, or a professional - to hear you rant, rave, and cry. When you don't share your feelings with another you are being stingy. Stingy? Yes, the best way to honor yourself - and compliment someone else - is to tell your truth and trust another. I don't wait for a big event, I let my "yuck" out every day with a friend who just listens as we exercise together. No problem solving, just releasing. Sharing is important and when you get back to your happy place maybe you can return the favor and let others share with you. (note of caution: do not vent to someone who is also in a bad mood, this adds fuel to the fire instead of being a release)
- Take action and move on. After all - or most - of the feelings have been felt and you decide action is needed, take the first step, even if it's a small one. If all the feelings are not gone yet, some action may help them move out - kind of like the Heimlich maneuver for stuck feelings. If no action is necessary, take the action of telling yourself "I'm finished with this processing" and move on to a personal goal, paying attention to someone important in your life, or planning a fun activity for yourself.
Change can bring negative feelings simply because change causes things to be different. Something different - even if it's "better" - upsets the status quo and we are designed to maintain equilibrium. Understanding how to process negative feelings - cranky moods - is important to experience Happy Change. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
GOOD NEWS!
Professional Caregivers Conference attendees heard "the perfect pair of panties" story and became Chief Happiness Officers! Thank you for all you do - you inspire me!
Healthy Mothers/Healthy Babies annual conference attendees rocked the house with tons of Happy Crap! Thank you for the hot pink feedback sheets and for letting me sing a bit of "I love Rock-n-Roll".
Macatawa Bank division leadership team went on a zoo adventure. Team building and goal setting can happen in the most unlikely places!
Michigan Health Academy and HEART Academy teachers wrapped up the school year with a positive vision. Thank you for helping young people reach their goals! And, thank you for being so much fun & playing with me.
Institute of Nursing Excellence April, 2011 honored nurses - I am thinking of all of you and so much appreciate your great work! I hope to see you again soon.
Erika attended a Story Theatre retreat with Doug Stevenson in Colorado Springs. Doug inspired me to tell more stories!
|
|
Three Good Things about Chaos |
- Realization that you can't and don't control everything - or anything. What a relief!
- Chance to blame it all on the moon, global warming or hormones :)
- No boredom! Always something to do, ponder, fix or enjoy.
|
|
Three Good Things video!
Click here to read review and watch video! (You will need to scroll down a bit to get to the video)
Happy Crap video!
|
|
|
|
6 Fun Ways to Bust-a-(Bad)-Mood Have you ever said or thought "I'm going to try to be more positive"? It probably sounded like a good plan until you tried to do it. Sometimes just making the choice to feel better or be more positive is enough and other times it's the first step. Sometimes you need a second step - action to bust a mood. But exactly what do you DO - what action can you take - to be more positive? Here are my favorite Bust-a-(Bad)-Mood Moves.
- Pretend you are royalty and no one knows it yet: When my friend was unemployed for
way too long we started a game of pretending we were royalty. I said I was pulling weeds because I had given the gardener the day off and wanted to know what it felt like to do manual labor. My friend said she wore a hat and walked around the mall to see if anyone would realize it was her royal self. Pretend your car is a loaner while your special BMW is being delivered (if you already have a BMW go for a long drive!). Or, if the kids are making you crazy pretend you are a high priced nanny that has been brought in to save the day. When my clothes don't fit just right, I pretend that the tailor is on vacation and wearing "off the rack" is only temporary. Think in whatever manner you believe you should be accustomed to! - Overreact - have a temper tantrum: Seriously throw a fit - get it out of your system. Find a safe place where you won't hurt yourself, someone else, or cause unnecessary embarrassment. Yell, scream and stomp your feet. Someone taught me to take a tennis racket and whack the crap out of my bed. It's so awesome! The first time I felt a little weird at first but then I loved it and threw my whole self into the fit. Not only do you release tension but eventually you make yourself laugh. Aaahhhh ... wonderful! Temper tantrums are not just for kids.
- Adorn yourself: Just like tribes in other countries adorn themselves with rings, beads, and Henna tattoos you can decorate yourself with happy stuff. I wear happy shoes with smiley faces that look up at me. My friend, Ann, decorates her shirt with one or more stickers every day. You can wear bright colored fun clothes, theme ties, or magical socks. At a recent conference, one awesome attendee (hi, Amber!) had on the brightest, most colorful eye shadow. She said it makes her happy and it made me happy just looking at her. So, I rushed out and bought some for myself. Personal adornment can bust a bad mood and - added bonus - act like garlic to energy vampires that are threatening to drain your vital happy supply!
- Bust a Move: Movement releases our happy hormones and literally changes our direction. But how do you cross that tricky space between no movement and getting up to bust a move? Is there music or are there songs that make you move even if you don't want to? For me, Wilson Phillip's "Hold on for one more day" or almost anything by Madonna works. Find your song or the genre (70's, 80's, rock, country) at Pandora Radio on-line, put the song in first position on your IPod, or burn a CD and have it at the ready. Now it's just a small movement of your finger to the "play" button and the music takes it from there. The happy dance works every time. No music apparatus around? Do the Hokey-Pokey!
- Pull your hair & tug your ears: Grab a handful of your hair - like you are going to make a ponytail - and pull with some force but not to the point of pain or hair removal. Pulling your hair releases tension in your scalp, feels good, and is a reminder to not take it all too seriously. Bad moods are built up tension and this trick let's the steam out. What if - like my handsome husband - you don't have hair to pull? Massage your ears by tugging on them, rubbing the outer edges, and pulling on your ear lobes. It's fantastic and also works to help you focus even if you're not in a bad mood!
- Be shocking: Wreck some havoc in the world by being a little shocking. In your car at stop lights, blow bubbles out of your car window. This shocks the drivers around you ... where are those bubbles coming from?! Write a happy note or thank you note with sidewalk chalk on someone's driveway. They are not expecting it and will be shocked. Make a sign for your car that says "Honk if you are in a bad mood, too!" Write a big check - whatever that means to you - and personally deliver it to a charity (I have done this a few times and they are shocked, I feel better, and I get a tax deduction). Get a big Henna tattoo and tell everyone it's real. A bad mood is the perfect time to be a little devious - use your evil energy to make a little fun in the world.
Most of these came from asking myself one simple question. "What would you do right now - or what would make you feel good right now - if you had no barriers (responsibilities, deadlines, arbitrary beliefs about what you should be doing, etc.)?" If you act on your first instinct - sit outside, read the paper, eat popcorn, make a play date with my friend, nap - it's probably your ticket out of bad-moodsville. Trust and honor yourself with whatever it takes to move to your happy place. I'll meet you there! |
Bad mood stuff makes the best stories
Our youngest son, Evan, invited Mark and I to join him and his friends at an outdoor country music concert (B93 Birthday Bash). Country music is not usually our "thing" but we were busting a mood and ready for a new experience (and, how often do parents get invited to play with their teenagers?) so we went. It was definitely an adventure - great music and very interesting people watching - especially at the end.
We left the youngsters a bit early to beat the traffic. One and half hours later we were only about 10 feet from our parking space and Evan and his friends were already home! None-too-happy to be stuck in a parking lot jam, our bad-mood-o'meter quickly rose. And, we were treated to public displays of enthusiastic party behavior along with a soundtrack of colorful language. The "that was fun" feeling took a back seat to impatience and irritation and a "what were we thinking?" conversation. O-U-T is what we wanted!
It was clear we weren't going to get O-U-T so, I decided to entertain myself and began texting our son about the things we saw and heard. And, believe me ... some of it I had never seen or heard before! We looked for crazy stuff to report back and found an unending supply. Eventually we made it to the highway and home where the teenagers had food waiting for us and their own stories to tell.
As we laughed and told tales, we forgot all about the stuff we didn't like. I realized that the best stories come from situations that weren't fun, entertaining, or mood enhancing as they happened. In fact, the best stories come from the worst crap. Terrible situation plus enough time lapsed equals a funny story. I sifted through my memory bank and found tons of stories. They involved a hurricane, a tree smashing our house to smithereens, cars broken down on the highway, and a couple of trips to the emergency room. Some situations have had enough time to become funny stories and others need to simmer a bit more but ... the good stuff, the best stories, came from the crap!
Erika :)
P.S. Today, tell someone a story of something that was awful at the time it happened but is so funny now. You'll make yourself feel good and may help bust someone's bad mood. |
| |
|
