In the Affirmative Newsletter by Erika Oliver
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Happy Change: Recalculating
April/May 2011 Exciting Expanded Edition |
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Good Morning!
For the past two years my husband has bugged me to get a GPS for my car. I insisted that my old fashioned atlas, supplemented by MapQuest, was good enough. No need for high tech hoopla.
That all changed when, on a recent business trip, I got lost. Really lost. When my low tech guidance tools didn't work, I was forced to call my husband for help. Mark said he would fire up his fancy satellite navigation computer program on one condition. Before he rescued his damsel in distress, she (that's me) must agree to become a GPS owner. With the sun quickly setting and my nervousness escalating, I agreed. Once I promised to allow a GPS purchase, Mark patiently provided directions to guide me back to the hotel.
The next week Mark and I flew to Arizona to pick up a car and drive it back to Michigan. He hadn't said a word about the GPS and I thought (hoped) he had forgotten the deal. No such luck. In fact, when we picked up the car in Phoenix he promptly attached a borrowed GPS to its windshield. This, he said, was an opportunity for me to warm up to the gizmo.
That first day I found every reason not to turn on the gadget. We didn't need it as we were going to travel the same highway all day, I enjoyed reading the atlas, and I was too busy relishing our time together to be interrupted by unnecessary technology. He reminded me of my promise. Reluctantly I turned on the GPS and entered our destination. After pushing "Go", a calm, evenly pitched female voice sounded. She told us to "please drive the highlighted route." Mark encouraged me to tinker with the driving tool. I ignored him.
After a few hours with nothing to do and unchanging scenery, I pushed some buttons. Did you know that you can locate restaurants, grocery stores, and shopping places through your GPS? I played with the contraption for the rest of the day! Much to my surprise, it was great fun finding places to eat and nearby attractions.
It didn't take long for me to proclaim my love for the GPS Lady (that's what I named the friendly voice that answered my questions and guided the way). Her soothing voice and seemingly unlimited knowledge of food sources was like heaven for me. As much fun as all the "finding" was, my favorite feature quickly became the automatic adjustment that occurs when you take an unexpected exit, turn, or any deviation from the planned route.
"Recalculating" the GPS Lady would say when we veered from the highlighted path. One word said calmly and without judgement. She didn't tell us that we were wrong or get mad at us for changing our minds. She didn't raise her voice or sharpen her tone telling us what we should do or demanding we get back to the plan. She simply made adjustments for us based on our unexpected move. She refigured the route from wherever we were and kindly suggested a next step.There was no questioning about our decision or demands to know where-in-the-heck we thought we were going.
We recalculated so many times (we had to check out some of the cool places I located) on our way home that we worried about making it back as scheduled. But, not only did we make it back in time, we had adventures that could never have been planned. Recalculating didn't prevent us from getting to our destination - or mess up our timeline - it made the journey sweeter. Sometimes recalculations cause a delay - or cancellation -, but not as much as we often assume. Recalculating more often means - like it did for us on this trip - that we learn more, have more fun and build relationships along the way.
Wouldn't it be great to be your own GPS Lady or GPS Gentleman? When the plan changed you would just say "recalculating" without guilt, blame or second guessing . Wouldn't it be wonderful to just accept new information - unexpected stops, starts and exits - and make the next move without emotional hoopla? What if we simply recalculated when changes happened or people didn't do (like they never seem to) as expected? I daydreamed about making life adjustments without fanfare and angst.
My mother-in-law says that she wakes up each day and wonders not IF her plan will change but by HOW MUCH it will change. Maybe, she says, there will be a small change and maybe the whole plan will get thrown out. What she does know for certain is that her plan is just a guess and recalculations are normal and expected. I, on the other hand, am often shocked (and quite ticked off) when people and events don't succumb to my masterly crafted arrangements.
When Mark and I crossed the state line into Michigan I asked him when I would be getting my very own GPS Lady. I was anxious to make good on my promise now that I bonded with the guidance system. It took two long weeks for a gift bag to appear on my desk. The GPS Lady - my very own - had arrived! She was the deluxe version, complete with the ability to find food and fun! I couldn't wait to enter my first destination.
Sometimes now I just program her - even when I am close to home on a well known route - and make an unexpected turn just to hear the GPS Lady say "recalculating". She reminds me to be gentle myself - to peacefully recalculate - when something changes. Her voice tells my internal voice to just acknowledge the facts, leave out the judgment, and recalculate.
Change really isn't a plot to make life more difficult but simply a natural flow of things of which we can't know everything until it happens. Our plan (I often forget) is only a guide, a suggestion, and just one possibility. It turns out that the angst I experience from change isn't from the change itself but from my resistance to a new course.We will all get to where we are going. And, if we are gentle with ourselves and allow recalculating (sans judgement) life will be so much easier and fun! Today I double-dog-dare you to make an unexpected turn (or when one just happens) and say "recalculating!" while you peacefully adjust. I'll do the same.
Happy recalculating!
Erika :)
P.S. Thank you to my friends at Bay Regional Medical Center and Bay County Council on Aging for inviting me to your city. If you wouldn't have invited me, I would not have gotten really lost. Then, I never would have met - and learned from - the GPS Lady! |
 Happy Change Step 1:
Understanding the process
What is the most common first reaction to change? It's usually not to do the dance of joy! Even if a change is welcomed the most common first reactions to anything
new are fear, worry and anxiousness. That's because most of us believe change means loss and that loss means some amount of pain and suffering. Did you know that 87% of what we worry about never comes true? And of the small portion of our worries that do come true 78% of people report things turned out better than anticipated!
Change is the only thing that's not going to change! If you want more comfortable change experiences, begin by understanding the change process. As you read through the 6 stages of change think about a recent change - one you made or one that was made for you - and follow yourself through the stages. The process of change follows a sequence and is not as unpredictable as we may think.
6 stages of change:
- Precontemplation: This stage occurs before you are even conscious of a change. You have no intention of changing and don't see a problem or situation that needs adjustment. Either you haven't been informed, you are not yet aware, or you choose to be unaware. If the change is of a personal nature, you are not ready yet. But, you may notice general discomfort that comes when something isn't right or not working any more. You may find yourself thinking, "Hmmm. Something feels off."
- Contemplation: In this stage you are aware but have not decided to take action toward a change or to participate in a change. You are thinking about it and ponder the pros and cons. You may find yourself thinking, "Something needs to be done. Maybe I'll do something about it.".
- Preparation: The decision to change is made in this stage. You have acknowledged the need and make a decision to do something differently. In this stage you prepare mentally and physically by creating a plan and wrapping your brain around the new environment. You may find yourself thinking, "What do I want this to look like and how do I want this to go?" Even though you are choosing to change, you may still feel reluctant.
- Action: Your decision takes an active form by starting, stopping or adjusting some behavior. This is when the plan is executed and something noticeable occurs. You may find yourself alternating between talking yourself into and out of the action you have chosen to do or not do as you work through any resistance or doubt. You may find yourself thinking, "I can do this!" or "What if I can't do this?" This is the time to be very gentle and forgiving with yourself.
- Maintenance: Change has become a routine and you rarely if ever need to give it much thought. There is probably a good deal of time spent on action - maybe years - before maintenance is achieved. In maintenance new behavior feels permanent but may quickly be abandoned if there is some unexpected or unplanned external or internal pressure. For example, many people are successful at changing their diets until a stress at home or at work catapults them back to their original behavior. Maintenance is a critical phase that requires a plan with 2 parts: 1) How will I regularly monitor my adherence to the change? and 2) What is my plan of action to get back on track if I "fall off the wagon"? I recommend thinking - as often as possible - "good job!" and reminding yourself you are in what can be the most difficult part of the process.
- Lapse/Relapse: It's probably going to happen. You are probably going to deviate from the change so it's best to be prepared. A lapse is a temporary (slip up) return to the old pattern or behavior. A re-lapse is a permanent return that puts you back to the beginning of the cycle. The good news with a re-lapse is that you now have brain and muscle memory so you can move more quickly through the process if you choose to reinstate the change. If you lapse/relapse, ask yourself, "Do I really want this change and am I willing to commit to what is required to keep the change?" Answer the questions with honesty. At any point during the change process, help from a friend or professional is a good idea. During a lapse or relapse, however, outside support is often essential.
Your body and mind are wired to maintain the status quo and resist any change even change that is good for you. Knowing how change works can help you navigate the process with more ease. I suggest picking a change (either one that you want or one that has been chosen for you) and mapping your progress as you move through the cycle. At the top of this section is a link to print my depiction of the Cycle of Change to use as a reference and/or to log your experience. Can change really be a relaxed, positive, and even happy experience? When you understand and flow with the process, yes it can! |
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Good News!
Institute of Nursing Excellence awesome nurses participated in Three Good Things: Happy Habits a 3-hour workshop to choose a positive approach. Thank you for the warm welcome and for sharing your excellence with me!
Michigan Bankers Association annual conference attendees became Chief Happiness Officers! Please take me up on the offer for a FREE 1/2 phone CHO session.
Child Care Resources completed their strategic communication plan. Congratulations on your "Genius" campaign!
The Midwest Book Review recomends Happy Crap: Unleash the Power of Positive Assumptions! Happy Crap Midwest Book Review
Happy Crap and Three Good Things are now available at Horizon Books in Traverse City.
Erika's books are available at Kazoo Books (both locations),
Chocolatea and Erika's website! |
| Three Good Things about Change
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Brings surprises you couldn't have planned.
- Cells are stimulated
by change and you stay energized!
- "Better" will eventually happen no matter what the change!
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Three Good Things video!
Click here to read review and watch video! (You will need to scroll down a bit to get to the video)
Happy Crap video!
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9 Success Strategies to Navigate Unwanted Change Some change just feels awful and appears to be unnecessary. Job loss, marital problems, parenting issues, and health problems are examples of unwanted change. During unwanted change it can feel like nothing will ever be "right", and that it simply isn't fair. But change - as we are continuously told - is the process of life. In an article titled "Being Glad No Matter What" by SARK in the March/April 2011 issue of Well Being Journal the author states that she asked her 90 year old friend what wisdom she had to share. The friend said "Every single change in my whole life, without exception, was always for the better."
Even if we know intellectually that change will eventually work out and we will be okay, we still need to navigate the new landscape and survive the process. Here are 9 strategies to make it through unwanted - or even wanted - change with minimum personal damage and pain.
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 Make one change at a time. Stress management and mental health experts suggest that too much change - even positive and wanted change - is taxing on the body, mind and spirit. When you decide to make a change also decide to keep other things the same (for now) and avoid big projects. Successful change takes a lot of focus and energy and one change at a time is the best way to navigate the cycle. -
Know why you are making the change. If you are crystal clear on why you are making a change, you are much more likely to be successful. Reasons such as "I should", "Someone wants me to", or "Everyone is doing it" are vague and not heartfelt. Why do you want to change? What will it accomplish for you? Ask the questions and know the answer. Maybe the answer is, you don't want a change.
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Expect the best. Make the most positive assumptions about the outcome and effects of the change. Imagine not only the results you want but create an outrageously positive story with the happiest ending. For example, if you are making personal health changes, imagine that getting healthier will cause someone important to you to also make a change and because of your new lifestyle you will be in situations where you might meet someone famous, make your new best friend, or find the love of your life! Remember, what we think about is what we create.
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Plan healthy rewards often. Reward yourself throughout the change process. Any action, no matter how small, is worth a reward. Material gifts are fine but also try literally patting yourself on the back. Look in the mirror and say "good job", take yourself for a walk, or tell someone else how proud of yourself you are (public recognition is highly motivating). If you worry about seeming too proud or conceited, let that go. Most of us are no where close to appreciating ourselves enough so we have a lot of ground to make up!
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Be aware of your resistance to others' change. This may seem obvious but it's surprising how often we don't support each others' change. When someone close to you is changing you also experience change just by virtue of your proximity to the intended change. You may unconsciously resist the change - or consciously undermine the person close to you.
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When you initiate change that affects others, start with empathy. When you initiate a change in yourself or your surroundings, start by acknowledging others' resistance without judgment. Just let them - and listen to them- be mad, worried, scared or skeptical. If you allow them their process, they will be able to be hear and support you much sooner than if you force the change faster than they can process..
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Allow yourself to change your mind. The change may have sounded like a good idea and worked well when you planned it out but now that you have started the process, you are rethinking your decision. I can't tell you how many times I started a change and then decided I wasn't ready, didn't really want it, or needed to rework the plan. Allow yourself the flexibility to change the change. Afterall, it's your process, your experience, and your change.
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Hang out with similar people. Change is easiest when supported. If the change is personal, join a support group, read books by or about people who made a similar transition, or make friends with people having the same experience (be sure your new friends are choosing a healthy, positive approach). At work, instead of using your energy to resist change, find a way to support each other in healthy change. You might share 3 good things about the change, talk about self care strategies to stay optimistic during the change, and identify ways you can actively work to help the change take place.
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Have a party. If you are making an intentional change, are part of a change you don't want, or just live in this world of constant change - have a party! Formal, informal, with a group, solo, all night long, or for a few minutes during the day just enjoy yourself. Do something fun. Think something fun. Say something fun. This is it. This is all we have. There is no more . . . so make a party out of it! |
Mark went back to school
My husband, Mark, is so talented. But, he has not been able to do all that he wants at the company where he works because he did not complete his bachelor's degree. I encouraged him to go back to school. It took YEARS for him to go through his personal cycle of change and make the decision to rearrange his schedule and priorities to earn this degree. I was thrilled when he returned to school ...until I realized his change caused change for me!
Mark's return to school meant that he would be gone every Wednesday night, couldn't take vacation whenever he (or I ) wanted, and much of his weekend would be devoted to homework and study. I was the perfectly supportive wife until I realized it would become my responsibility to make sure the garbage made it to the curb on Wednesday evenings, that I would have to be at our son's wrestling meets ON TIME, that Mark would no longer be able to pay attention to me whenever I wanted and that more cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring would be transferred to my to-do list. And, I discovered we would need to change our usual family vacation plans from August to July!
I found myself angry with Mark. It was fine that he had to sacrifice for his degree but I would need to sacrifice too? Every change - even a positive one - requires adjustment and not only for the principal party involved. Those who live, work and hang out with the person making the change are also affected. Once I realized that I would need to change in order to support Mark's change, I worked through my own change cycle. Now I love my Wednesday time with just me and our youngest son, I've realized the vacation change is only temporary. And, I am truly enjoying my "new" husband as he learns and grows with his class work.
In the fall, Mark graduates. Now I find myself encouraging him to continue! Our new normal is wonderful and we've discovered things about each other and ourselves that have made this change a benefit for all of us. But, I also know that this too will change.
Congratulations, Mark. I love you and I'm proud of you. Thank you for being patient with me as I worked through my change process to support your change!
Erika :)
P.S. I've read and reread this newsletter so many times to make it the very best for you and during my last proofreading it occurred to me that you might think I have all of this change stuff down pat. Not even close! The things I share with you - and this is difficult for me to say - are my weaknesses. My lesson right now is to allow the process of change and stay focused on all that is good. We are all in the process of change. Thank you for sharing the journey. |
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