In the Affirmative Newsletter by Erika Oliver
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Don't tap out!
February 2011 |
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Happy Today!
My face was pressed into the family room carpet and I wasn't sure if I could get up. In a simulated wrestling match with my son (I'm not crazy enough to actually let him do a move on me) I quickly found myself trapped. Evan is a high school varsity wrestler and was showing me some moves. As I contemplated what to do, I thought about tapping out. Giving up. If I slapped my hand on our family room floor this imaginary match would stop and my giant son would get off my back.
When a wrestler - high school or college, not WWF - is hurt or can't continue a match, they tap out. Tapping out is accomplished by banging your hand on the mat - or floor in my case - until the referee notices and stops the clock. Sometimes the official gives the wrestler a moment to collect himself and other times the match goes to the other wrestler (the one who didn't tap).
As you can imagine, tapping out is not seen as "tough" and is definitely not encouraged. The first time I witnessed a tap out at a high school meet, my response was "But, what if he's hurt?" "Yeah, right!" said the other spectators letting me know that tapping out is considered a sissy move.
On our family room floor with a 171 pound wrestler pinning me, I understood both why someone would tap and what the wrestlers and wrestling parents were telling me. Most of the time the athlete - or human being living their life - can go a bit longer if they push pass their perceived limits and fight for one more opportunity to make a big move. Wrestling - like life - requires physical strength but also mental stamina and the unwillingness to let challenges get the better of you.
Pinned by my son in our fantasy match I realized that physically giving up was not the issue - at least not yet. I was about to mentally tap out. I didn't want to try a move and fail. Negative thoughts about how slim my chances were, how weak I am compared to him, and old fashioned beliefs about being a girl had me in a mental wrestling match with myself.
Thinking about my choices - keep wrestling or tap out - I realized I mentally tap out a lot more than I want to admit to you or myself. I tap out by not arguing back to my critical self talk. Matches are given away when I don't stick up for myself and give into doubt. I tap out when I have a creative idea and let fear and worry take over until the window of opportunity passes. When I don't reach out to others, I tap out. Every excuse (not to be confused with a reason or honestly choosing not to do something) is a tap out.
How do the wrestlers avoid tapping out? They prepare themselves. Our son goes to school at 6:30 a.m. every day to condition before class starts. After school his team practices for 2 hours and they face opponents twice a week. In the off season, they continue to work out, go to camps, and participate in wrestling clubs.
How can I avoid mentally tapping out? Same answer. Conditioning. Sharing three good things every day. Getting enough sleep and physical activity. Eating healthy foods in healthy amounts. Making up Happy Crap and visualizing the best scenarios. Slowing down to savor the little moments and gifts of each day.
The truth is - life is full of challenging matches and sometimes we feel we are about to be pinned. It's easy for the tap outs to start small with one unchallenged negative thought and then another and then - before you know it - it's a whole monologue of crappy crap.
I am all about tapping out when someone has my arm wrenched behind my back but when it comes to negativity, tapping out is not an option. Your mind will play tricks and insist on creating horrific scenes of potential disaster, embarrassment, and distress. Don't give in.
Every match with negativity is important because each outcome adds up to the story of our lives. Each time we persevere we weaken our opponent. The positivity gets stronger and before we know it, positivity is ranked number one and negativity is a junior varsity substitute that occasionally challenges us to a duel.
So, what happened in my match with my son? He showed me how to use my opponent's weight against him and free myself! When we accept where we are and lean in - even if we don't like the immediate situation - we can find a way to use countermoves and release ourselves.
What do you want your story to be? How do you want your match to end? In my story, I am declared the winner. My arm is raised in the glory of being a part of a wonderful family, honing my gifts, having adventures and simply choosing to have the best day every day. We are all wrestlers (without having to wear the singlet!) who are capable of going the distance to win each match - that is, if we don't mentally tap out.
Cheering you to victory,
Erika :)
P.S. When someone in your life is challenged and is considering tapping out, support them by sharing the things you admire and appreciate about them. Also, take a look at the ideas below to appreciate educators - most of them work for anyone!
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What if it's THEM and not me? 3 R's to stop negativity.
Question:
What do you suggest as the best ways to deal with negative co-workers, family members or friends?
Answer: Recognize, Remove and Redirect
People don't wake up in the morning thinking about how negative they can be (not many people anyway) but how much they want to have a good day and contribute to the team. But, between waking up and the day starting, negative patterns are evoked and people find themselves in an unhappy place. I don't recommend that you "deal" with a coworker but think of interacting with them in ways that helps them move past their negativity to give themselves a chance at a more positive life experience.
Recognize: When someone shares something negative first recognize them by saying, "That must be hard for you" or "I am so sorry that is happening". Negativity - complaining, whining, gossip - are partially attempts to gain much needed attention to relieve emotional pain. Giving authentic, caring attention helps dissipate the pain that causes negativity.
Remove: Second, remove the negativity fuel - don't give it air - by refusing to add information, support, or more attention to the negativity. In other words, don't ask questions to expound on the story, don't add how you experienced the same thing and don't point out another detail - sharing that the event happened more than once or something like this - to add fuel to the pessimism fire. Stick with recognizing and listening and when they are finished, it's over.
Redirect: Finally, redirect to something that is positive or is working. You might compliment the coworker on something they achieved, say how much you are looking forward to the problem being solved, or simply share that you are glad they are working toward a solution. Don't tell your firend or family member that it could be worse, or they shouldn't complain, or advise them to look on the bright side - all of these cancel out the first step of recognizing the person's pain. If you can't think of a redirection, remind them that lunch is soon or offer the candy bar you have stashed in your desk.
The 3 R's work on yourself as well. When you are struggling with feeling bad and negative thinking, recognize your own pain and take the time to love on yourself a little bit. Then remove any self pity. You can even firmly tell yourself "stop" to cut off the fuel to the negativity fire. Quickly redirect to positivity with a gratitude exercise like sharing three good things, doing something nice for someone else, or (my favorite) doing something fun that gives you joy. Whether it's a negative coworker or your own negativity, use the 3 R's to turn it around. If it doesn't seem to work the first go-round, do it again and again until it does. And, it will. |
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Good News!
"5 Strategies to Stay Sane,
Be a Happy Mom & Raise a
Positive Family" was published at
Macatawa Bank leaders use Positive Peer Coaching so their customers will have the best community banking experience ever!
War Memorial Hospital shared tons of Happy Crap and unlocked and unleashed their positivity! Thank you for taking such good care of me and the people in Michigan's beautiful Upper Pennisula.
Pulaski Community Schools ROCKED Happy Crap and unleashed all their good things. Thank you for going that extra degree to 212 - I am with you all the way!
Congratulations Karla Ooard for starting Blue Monkey Adventures for adventurous people who want to travel, have fun, learn and give back! Karla tells me you can get $100 off a trip if you become a Blue Monkey Adventures facebook fan!
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| Three Good Things about teachers |
- They often come in early and stay late and are willing to help with extracurricular activities
- They have good bladders as many can't always leave the classroom right when they need to
- They balance creativity, curriculum and paperwork.
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50% off through March 31!
 and enter the code "3GoodThings" when you check out to get your discount.
I am offering this in support of educators across the country - let's support each other with positivity inside and outside the classroom, school building and board meetings.
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10 Creative & Fun Ways to Appreciate Teachers(and others)! 
Teachers (and public employees) across the country are at risk of losing pay, benefits and bargaining rights. Wherever you are in your political beliefs, I bet we all agree that good teachers are a key ingredient to a positive future for all of us. Our teachers shaped us, shape our children, and shape the next generation of leaders and workers.
Did you know that in ancient Greece teachers were paid higher wages than skilled craftsmen? Teachers were also given gifts from citizens and music teachers were the highest paid! When was the last time you told a teacher "thank you"? It doesn't matter whether your children are grown or you don't have children - the work of teachers affects all of us.
I asked my friend who is a teacher how we can best honor and appreciate educators - teachers, administrators, support staff, bus drivers, and others who serve our children - and she said, "just say thank you and tell how your child or you were helped". It's that easy. If you want more ways to say "thank you" to the teachers in your life and community, here are some ideas:
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Send a thank you card to the teacher with the specifics of how they helped or what you appreciate about them. My friend says teachers have e-mail addresses and would love a note this way as well.
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Write a separate letter to the editor of your local paper complimenting a teacher, administrator or school in your area.
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Find out what the teacher likes to eat, what they do for fun, or where they like to shop and buy them a gift card. Often we give gift cards to places we enjoy and don't take the time to find out the interests of our giftee!
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Send flowers to their classroom during the school day.
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Organize a breakfast or lunch for the teachers and staff at your school.
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If your child receives any special support, don't forget those teachers! Reading specialists, school counselors, librarians, office staff, paraprofessionals (classroom assistants), gym teachers, music teachers, lunch room/playground people, janitors and bus drivers are all a part of children's education and rarely get thanked.
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Organize an educator discount for teachers and staff at local businesses such as office supply stores, restaurants, book stores, and recreational centers. If they already offer teacher discounts, negotiate a bigger discount - even if it's only for a week or a month!
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Help the students make an appreciation sign for teachers and school and put it outside the building to surprise the teachers when they arrive.
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Make the teacher's lounge a rock star's green room! Stock it with water, treats, a lighted palm tree, fun reading material, and comfortable seats.
- Buy Three Good Things: Positive Classroom Exercises at 50% off for your teacher or yourself!
Teachers, you can also recognize the teachers in your life. Conferences are this week at our high school and I plan to hand out a lot of appreciation. I also plan to make some phone calls and send cards. I hope you will join me and appreciate our teachers, administrators and supporting staff to help them through this time of concern as many states balance their budgets.
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A couple of weeks ago I was taking a shower and heard loud voices coming from our kitchen. I was able to make out a few things that were said. "Did I hear the words 'fire' and 'fire extinguisher'"? I asked our son after I toweled off. "Yep", he replied. Our van had been acting up and when my husband tried to get it started, the engine burst into flames. Mark said he momentarily thought of just letting it burn but then thought better of it and shouted for a fire extinguisher.
What is most interesting - beside the burning vehicle - is what happened after everyone was updated on the details. Nothing. No drama, no disaster, and no panicked phone calls or heroic attempts to revive the vehicular carcass. Mark said, "So, you want to rent a movie?" And I said "Sure". And our son asked if his girlfriend could come over and never once showed worry that he wouldn't have a car to drive.
We are still without one car - in fact, we are down two cars because another one broke down - but we are calmly looking for replacements. For me, this is truly a miracle. Every chance my brain gets to become hysterical, it usually jumps at the opportunity. A car starting on fire is perfect fuel for my negativity and it didn't so much as create a spark! The next day my brain jumped on a passing negativity bandwagon but for that one moment of car fire, it stayed in positivity and peace. A sign of real change? I believe so.
I must not be tapping out as much as I first thought. By staying with as many matches as possible I'm stronger and have learned more sophisticated positivity moves. It's going to take more than a van fire, broken grill, misplaced file or other ordinary life event to take away my title. What title? Well, Chief Happiness Officer of my life!
Wishing you only fires of positivity!
Erika :)
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