"The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
 
...and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree."
 

No doubt you have received the viral email with words similar to those above depicting a stressed out Santa reaching the last straw (pun intended) with an overly cheerful and irritating angel.
 
It's no secret to most of you that this has been a stressful year for me. In addition to the normal problems of daily life, the bad news of our nation and the world, discovering a 3 inch tumor and losing a kidney brought me to the very edge.
 
In facing my own mortality I was surprised by something. I discovered that I was afraid to die. But I found that my fear was not about my own pain. It was about the pain of others. I didn't want to cause that kind of pain to my wife, my family, my friends and, yes, even to my dog. Avoiding my early demise became stressful, not out of some existential fear over the possibility of my own non-existence. It became stressful because of my need to spare those I love the pain of losing me.
 
Love is worth living for! That much is true. But there is a darker side to our relationships; and I think it gets at the true source of all stress. 

 
We are conditioned to think that stress is caused by "too many and too much.;" too many tasks to complete, too much work to do, too much money that must be earned. Like Robert Frost's famous poem, we view stress as created by the "miles" we have to go before we sleep. But there is a reality in the poem that precedes the navigational calculation. "I have promises to keep."
 
My own experience and reflection at the end of this unbelievably stressful year for me lead me to one conclusion about stress. It is not about "What." It's about "Who." Maybe it is the distortion of having a brush with death. Maybe it is the clarity of having been stripped of many of the trivialities of my life. But it seems clear to me that stress is not caused by the things that pile up on my desk. Stress is not even caused by the things that happen to me. Stress is caused by the "social entanglements" we call relationships. In fact, I am betting that if each of us were to think about it, we could trace our stress down to a relationship with [another person; their expectations of us, or our expectations of them.
We want to impress, please, seduce, or save someone. Or we need them to save us. If my theory on stress is true, what can we do about it?
 
I make no claim at being a master In my quest to be healthier and lower my stress, however, I am now looking at my relationships. I suggest there are two themes that can occur in our relationships that transform them into major culprits of stress.
 
The first theme that I find turning some of my relationships into a source of stress is that of "rescuer." I see myself as necessary to someone's existence and a savior for their pain. I suspect this is common among those of us who are identified as leaders. The equation in our head is "leading = rescuing."
 
Yet, we are mere mortals and not Messiahs. Our own breath can be taken from us in a heartbeat. And if we are honest with ourselves, we will have to admit, that the world will go on without us. Pain is a reality of everyone's life. Trying to rescue someone from his or her own pain is not only absurd, it is impossible. (Trying to accomplish the impossible, isn't that a great definition of stress?)
 
The second theme that I find in my relationships that causes stress for me is that of "victim." By victim, I mean those roles I play in my relationships where I see myself as dependent upon another person's functioning for my own happiness or well-being; "If my boss would only stop griping, if my spouse would only love me more. (For the record, my boss doesn't grip and my wife loves me way more than she should.)
 
When we perceive ourselves as dependent upon another person's functioning (a victim) we find ourselves, engaged in another act of futility - trying to change another person. This too, is trying to accomplish the impossible.
 
I believe that when we find ourselves stressed, we will invariably discover that it is not the amount of work or the number of tasks that are piling up. I believe we will find that one of these two themes has taken hold in one or more of our relationships.
 
I don't make New Year's resolutions. But my health resolution has been to look at the stress in my life as a function of my relationships. I want to beware of those times when I am trying to accomplish the impossible. I want to stop depending on other people to behave in certain ways before I can be happy. I want to stop trying to rescue those I care about from the consequences of life and of their own choices. I want to focus on saving the only person I can change - myself.
 
Peace and courage,
 
Steve Geske

HealingLeaders.com