Tragedy, Trauma, Tools for Healing

I live very near Aurora, CO.  A few short weeks ago, we experienced the community tragedy of the shooting at a local theatre.   

Recently, I spoke with the relative of a young child who is being raised by relatives...one of the caregivers is very ill, the mother is imprisoned, and the child is struggling.  

And then I spoke with someone who, having been abused as a child because she was overweight, is now having legal difficulties due to a rage-filled response to being taunted about her weight as an adult.

My heart grieves for all of the children involved...the children who are not yet adults, and the inner child of the adult who is still suffering.  

I have spent some time talking to some of the parents-and the 'big person'-- of those involved, suggesting things that might help those involved with the trauma to heal.  How do I know what to suggest?  It is because those things are the very things that would have helped me as a child-and have helped me as an adult-to heal those deep, inner wounds.

I suggested they get big fat crayons, and have them make marks on paper to show how they felt before, during, after the events.  I suggested they go to Goodwill and get some china plates, and spend time doing what a young Leukemia patient friend calls 'china therapy': throw the plates against a rock and experience them shattering. Let the survivors know that they may unexpectedly react to things in an 'over the top' manner, that would usually not bother them. To let them know that that is normal, and won't last forever.  

To let them know it wasn't their fault.  And that God doesn't expect them to do more in life just because they survived.  And that God didn't agree to, plan, condone or excuse the awful things that happened.  And that God cried the first tears.  To let them know that just because there are sick, mean people in this world, that not everyone is like them.  

 To let them know it is ok to cry.  And that it is ok not to cry.  That working through this takes as long as it takes, and there is no hurry.  That no one else will really know how THEY have to work through this.  But that others can help.  That someone will always be there to listen, no matter how many times they need to talk about it.

That sometimes therapy is the thing that is needed...and needing a therapist's help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.  It takes courage to ask for help.

That the 'why people do this' may never be answered.  But that the "Is it my fault" has a definitive NO for an answer.   

Those of us who have done or are in the middle of doing our own healing work from childhood abuse or trauma are in a unique position to help those who are going through difficult times, for we know what helped us. We were blessed to have people in our lives who told us these things,who held out the lantern of hope.  For me, the focus of this learning came from the workshops given by Mary's Hope Workshops.

We are not experts...but we can share our experience, strength and hope for healing.  We can share the tools we used that help us.  We can listen, pray, hold and hug.

And we can watch ourselves doing that, and realize how very, very far we have come from where we started.  And be very, very grateful.   

Elaine Oxenbury