Tis the Season to be Jolly....

Going through the motions. Buying gifts, wrapping. Decorating. Planning parties and visits home. Pasting on the smile and hoping this year will be different-this year will be better.

Or, now that I have done some of my healing work, waking up in the middle of the bustle of the holiday season, realizing that what was once fun, is now a painful drudge. Things that brought joy before now bring pain. No longer willing to pretend that everything is ok and normal, it all just seems like something to get through, not something to look forward to.

What's the deal?

For survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, going home for the holidays can be fraught with landmines. It is all too easy to get sucked back in to the dysfunctional roles that we were taught in our families of origin. We are triggered by attitudes and memories that we thought we were long past reacting to. Perhaps we are even expected to come face to face with our abusers, and "not make waves".

Having done some of our healing work, we find that we are much less tolerant of those members of our families who have not done theirs-much less tolerant of their minimization, denial and continuing "pretend normal". But the "we don't talk about it" rule continues to dominate-and, without champions on our side, we find that we continue to be re-victimized over and over again.

Guess what? This year CAN be different. You can be your OWN champion. You can make your OWN rules this year.

Through the teachings of Mary's Hope Workshops, the support of friends and counselors, and through my own healing work, I have acquired some tools to help me deal with the dangers of home and holidays. I have named my spiritual wounds, and after lots of healing work, have come to realize that I was not created to be abused. That my abuse, past AND present, is an affront to the Creator who loves me. And that, as I get healthier, I am more able to protect myself from re-victimization.

I can take steps to remember that I am an adult and I don't have to accept the verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse. I can carry something in my pocket to remind me of that-a stone, a note to myself, or my car keys. I can excuse myself and go to the restroom for a frank, but encouraging conversation with my scared, inner child. I can speak assertively to my family members, speaking truth when faced with the widely accepted distortions which dominate my family's remembrances. And, I can choose to leave if the situation becomes toxic. It's not easy, but I can do all these things to protect myself.

And the most amazing thing: the catastrophes I am sure will occur when I break the family rules simply don't happen. Yes, some of the family get pretty bent out of shape that I am not following the family rules. But those rules were bad rules anyway-meant to control children and protect the family secrets. Beyond that, however, I am amazed to discover that, in fact, lightning doesn't strike me dead. My friends don't condemn me for standing up for myself in the face of abuse. A big hole doesn't open up and swallow me. Unbelievably, I am still alive.

And that gives me courage to take the next step to freedom from the wounds I have carried these oh so many years. I will protect my child within. I will stand up for the truth. I will let go of the burdens I have borne for so long. And, I will not go back to being the victim of abuse. For I deserve better.

And you deserve better, too.

So, here are some things you can do to protect yourself when you go home for the holidays:     

• Remember you are an adult now, and you do not have to follow the old family rules. You can make and follow your own rules now. Even if they don't like it.

• Stay in a hotel-or at least go for lots of long walks -- give yourself alone time and space to process and recover.
• Journal, journal, journal.
• Enlist the aid of an ally in the family-plan a "rescue me" signal.
• Use the buddy system when in the presence of an abuser-stay close to someone who will stand up for you.
• Use the bathroom as a temporary refuge-people can't argue with biological needs.
• Trust your gut-if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
• Have access to an escape route -car keys, taxi etc, and don't make yourself the designated driver, just in case you have to leave.

• If the situation becomes toxic, state that the conversation has to change or you'll leave. And then do it.
• Stay away from alcohol-you need to be in control, especially if others aren't.
• And if you are the only one who seems to think something is wrong, don't think it is YOU that is wrong....they are likely engaging in distorted thinking.       Remember, you may be the only rational person there!

All this being said, savor the sweet moments of family time, if there are any. And then plan a wonderful party with your friends when you get back. You'll have earned it!  

And...if you'd like more information about Mary's Hope Workshops, see the side panel for our upcoming workshops, and check out our website: www.maryshope.org.   

It just might change your life, or the life of someone you care about. It changed mine!

Happy Holidays,

From your friends at Mary's Hope Workshops