Change: A Conversation with God

 God, I don't get it.

I finally am beginning to feel sort of safe.

I have begun to do my healing work.

I am starting to set boundaries...

And learn what MY boundaries are.

The nightmares are rare now.

I can smell that cologne without turning green.

And now, you are turning my world upside down.

Things are changing.

I DON'T DO CHANGE. 

Don't you get it???????

I DON'T

DO

CHANGE!!!!!

The world is tumbling out of control.

I no longer know which way is up.

I walk around in a daze...who am I and what is true?

 The old voices in my head haunt me:

"We TOLD you not to trust them...

trust isn't safe...

They'll let you down just like all the others did.

You don't DESERVE to be safe.

You were MADE to be hurt."

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT HARD WORK I HAVE DONE?????

I feel like I am back at the center of all the pain.

I have nothing left.

I am....scared.  God, I am scared.  I can't do this.

And God said:

 Breathe, dear one. Just breathe.

You are no longer alone.

You are no longer helpless.

You don't need to clutch on to the past in order to be safe in the future.

Stay in the moment.

Dear one, be faithful to your healing journey.

Remember baby steps.

Reach out to others.

Take time to grieve...loss is hard, but it has its own gifts to share if you hold it carefully.

And remember, a journey is not a static thing.

It involves change, growth, grief and discovery.

It can be scary at times, exhilarating at others.

And it is all good, for it is all gift.

The healing journey is a gift--

and I give the gift of hope for healing to you,

today, now, in this moment, and always.

For I AM the changeless one.

And I am here for you,

 and I am here with you,

whether you believe that or not,

whether you feel that or not,

NO matter WHAT!

For I love you and will never forsake you.

Even through this time of change.

Especially through this time of change.

You can count on that.

OK, God. 

I still don't do change. (At least  not willingly...)

But, perhaps that is changing....

along with everything else.

Is THAT part of the healing journey?

Lainey

**************************  

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING FUN TO DO THIS SUMMER? 

Holy Family  has traditionally supported Mary's Hope

through its fundraisers.   

Church of the Holy Family

First Annual Golf Classic

Friday June 17th, 2011 

Aurora Hills Golf Course

50 S. Peoria St., Aurora, CO

7:30 a.m. Shotgun Start

Cost: $85.00 per person

Includes: Golf Fees, Cart, Range Balls,

Pro Shop Prizes, & Lunch

Format: 4-person Las Vegas Scramble

Golf Registration and Sponsor Forms can be found at www.churchofholyfamily.org  

Questions? Please contact Gary Nemmer,

Golf Tournament Chairperson, 303-353-9540

gnemmers@yahoo.com

Abandoned?

Sherry, Diane, Diane's husband Art, and their dog Mollee left for their new home in Washington State at the beginning of May.  We've spent much time together over the past 5 years.  We've worked together in the Mary's Hope office.  We've travelled together to do workshops.  We've worshipped together at church.  They have been my friends, mentors, guides, and bosses and now the question I am most frequently asked is, "How are you going to manage without them?"

The short answer is, "I'll be just fine, thanks for asking."

To unpack that short answer will take a few more words...and a look at history.

I have lived much of my life in mortal fear of abandonment.  I have striven to be 'perfect' in order to validate my existence and hopefully to be deemed something approaching acceptable (and thereby not be abandoned!)  When I first considered the possibility of friendship with Diane and Sherry, I knew that this move to Washington was in their short term plan.  And, I must confess, I spent more than one sleepless night trying to decide if the benefits of friendship with them would be worth the pain of "being abandoned" by them when they moved.

Like many survivors, dealing with feelings has not been my strength.  Before I began my spiritual healing journey, I would likely have decided it would be safer to keep my distance: to keep my life as emotionally neutral as possible--avoid as many highs and lows as possible--because I had no idea how to deal with feelings, other than to stuff them down with food, over-activity or sleep.  I would have run away from this relationship--there's something about hanging around with Sherry and Diane that precludes staying at arm's length!  And, any closer than arms length would mean...dealing with feelings when they left!

But now, after 5 years of spiritual healing work--spiritual direction, therapy, workshops, journaling, making marks on paper, and more--I am healthy enough to be able to watch them go, feeling joy for them, and confidence in myself.  I have come to a place where I embrace change (albeit with a little whining).  They didn't abandon me--their residence changed.  And with that, there will be changes in our relationship.  I won't see them as often.  Having lunch together will involve a plane ride.  We'll Skype, phone and email more.  We'll continue to do the work of Mary's Hope together, but it will be different.  We'll fly from separate airports when we travel to do workshops, and my home will have one more phone line and another office area, as it becomes the Colorado base for Mary's Hope.  And, I'll be just fine.

I wonder if the people who asked me how I'll manage were really wondering how THEY will manage. 

To those folks, I would say, the gift that Sherry and Diane (and Mary's Hope) offer is the gift of HOPE.  Their legacy does not leave the state with them.  They have modeled for us what healthy living looks like.  They have given us tools, resources, and the gift of community.  (And they are as close as an email or a phone call.)  We have a choice:  To listen to old tapes, suffer feelings of abandonment because they have moved, and continue to live life as victims, OR to embrace this change as an opportunity to take another step in our personal and spiritual healing journey, look to the future and be excited by the possibilities. 

Many people have said, "I'm glad for them, but I hate to see them go."

Not me.  I am glad they are fulfilling their dream and I'm choosing to find ways to make sure our relationship continues, as I work to find and fulfill my own dreams.  That's the best way I can thank them for all they've been and done for me.  It is, in fact, the least I can do.  And, it is, I believe, what they'd want for me--and for all of you.

So....here's to an exciting future for all of us!

--Elaine  

In the Place of the Great Not-Yet

Well, we have moved from our old home of 30 years, but not yet able to move into our new home.  We are homeless.  Usually this is okay with me... I  know that our place will soon be finished...we will have a home soon.  But sometimes my little one, the me who wants to know who/what/when/where is feeling pretty anxious about the ambiguity.  So YES, the journey continues, even these many years down the road.  The difference is that I know why, I know who is so squirrelly, and I know how to nurture her out of her anxiety.  So be good to your little one, and offer help, not criticism when anxiety hovers round you.   

--Diane  

By now you have realized that while our feet are rooted in Colorado soil, we have taken a giant leap of faith - choosing to believe that the Holy One has called us to this place and that it is not just bad tacos.  Since we founded Mary's Hope we have been faithful to listening to what God would have us do... a process of ongoing discernment.

 Already folks are asking when we will begin our work here... a little more time please, we need to find all our workshop supplies.  In the meantime, we will continue to explore new way of reaching more of God's children who feel lost as a result of childhood trauma/abuse or any to the other ways "modern" life tends to alienate us from our natural spiritual connection with our Creator.  No matter where we are, Diane and I and Elaine will continue to seek ways to help those who are looking for a way to be reconciled with God. 

What we know for certain in this time of transition, God called us in the beginning and asks us to be faithful now. And while that can be a bit scary, we intend to do just that.  By the way, we'll return to Colorado for a set of 2 workshops late September and early October.  Be sure to watch for the announcement later this summer.  In the meantime, with today's technology we are as close as we have ever been.  

--Sherry