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August 2010
The Journeyer
Mary's Hope Workshops Newsletter
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When you give your wounded child a
voice, amazing things can happen. This edition
of our newsletter includes an story of where one survivor's healing
journey has taken her....
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You Can Make a Difference!
We are helping many folks heal from the spiritual wounding of childhood abuse and trauma, but we can't do it without your help!
Click here to donate via our secure
Giving First portal.
or send a check payable to
Mary's Hope
to:
8174 S. Holly St. #463
Centennial, CO 80122
Thank you!
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Upcoming Events
Advanced Techniques
in Healing and Recovery
We
need 12 PAID registrants by September 1st,
in order to hold this
workshop. If the workshop is not
held, we will refund any monies paid.
To
register for this event, call 303-377-0293 or email us at
maryshope@qwestoffice.net
Saturday, September 11, 2010
9:00 AM to
5:00 PM (Check-in at 8:45 AM)
Good Shepherd Episcopal Church
8545 E Dry Creek Rd.
Centennial CO 80112
Prerequisite: Spiritual Healing and Recovery Introductory Workshop
Fee: $125.00
Survivors,
Foster/Adoptive Parents, Repeat Attendees: $100.00
Limited PIF
Scholarships Available
Workshop Materials and Snacks provided.
Lunch is on your own.
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Dear
Sherry and Diane,
I recently had the opportunity to be part of a Victim Impact Panel, where I was
able to address, question, and respond to a group of sex offenders. My
therapist warned me that it might be too scary for my little inner child...that
I should tell my little girl that she did not have to come into that
room. That was my plan.... But, just as I was about to speak, my
wounded little girl hopped on that soapbox, and found her voice.
During the
course of 2 evenings, she sought to convey to these men the depth and scope of
the pain and trauma caused by childhood sexual abuse. Frankly, my goal
was to make them cry. For, I felt that if they cried, it would mean that
I had breached their defenses, and touched a place where they could begin to feel
and understand even an infinitesimal part of the woundedness that survivors
carry with them in the wake of childhood abuse. I succeeded--they all
cried at some point over the two evenings.
After the first evening, one fellow didn't seem to get it--at all--so I wrote
him the letter you'll find below. He and three others volunteered to come back
for the second evening. And, over the two evenings, all of the guys
seemed to begin to understand. At least a little bit. The fellow to whom I wrote the letter sent me a thank you card.
And more
doors are opening...this letter was circulated to another group of offenders in
treatment, where it was discussed for two therapy sessions. I have been
invited to have input into the re-vamping of the Victim Impact portion of a sex
offender treatment program. And, I have been invited to address more
groups of sex offenders.
Never in a million years would I have expected to be involved in the
rehabilitation of sex offenders. But, what better way to redeem the abuse
that I suffered as an innocent child? You just never know....
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Letter to a Sex
Offender
Dear .....
I hate to admit it, but I forget your name. A little ironic, I suppose,
but not intended. I remember well your face. As you guys came into
the room on Wednesday night, you were the one with whom I was most comfortable. You seemed the most at ease. You reminded me of my high school mentor.
Some of the others creeped me out a bit, but I think I looked at you and
smiled. And you are the one who kept me up last night....writing this
letter over and over again in my head. Because, by the end of the evening,
you seemed to be the one who least 'got it'.
I have a vested interest in helping you 'get it', for it may help you not
re-offend....and save some other little girl or boy the pain I have lived with
for decades. So, I offer you my thoughts.
Sometime in the evening, you mentioned that your 'sexual offense' was
infidelity to your wife. (Or words to that effect.) And, you are
right. That was a sexual offense, and whether or not the affairs or
events were consensual, whether or not your partners were of age, they, and
your wife, are your victims. Because you used them for your gratification,
and treated them as commodities to be used, and not people to be respected.
But that was not what you were arrested for, was it? And, I got the
impression that you are having trouble wrapping your head around the fact that
you abused a 13 year old victim. Because, after all, the person you were
communicating with was really an adult, and wasn't even in that chat room unawares. She was LOOKING for you, or someone like you....so doesn't that somehow make
you some sort of victim, too? And really, aren't the Internet
chat rooms sort of like a hologram--like that hologram room in Star Trek where
one can go and live one's fantasies without anyone being hurt?
That's a trap, my friend, and I fear you have fallen for it, hook, line, and
sinker.
From my perspective, it doesn't matter one iota that you were actually having
an inappropriate sexual conversation with an undercover cop....what matters is
that you THOUGHT you were talking to a 13 year old, and you used that little
girl's innocence to get your jollies. I don't know how much time
you spent in that chat room before you were caught....It's hard for me to
believe that you woke up one day and said, "I think I'll go to a chat room
and find some 13 year old girl to talk dirty to while I masturbate", but
maybe it happened that way. If you have talked to other people--children
or otherwise--in chat rooms in order to get your sexual fix, they are victims
too. But, let's just assume that this was the first and only.... I
think it is high time you got to know Kelly....for she is a real person. Yes, I know, something twitched in cyberspace, and your communication ended up
in the cop's inbox instead of Kelly's, but, the truth of the matter is that
Kelly is real, and you were really talking to her, even if she (thankfully)
didn't get your communication. So, sit back, and let me introduce you to
Kelly.
Kelly was born to a harried wife and mother of 2 toddlers. Dad was in law
school. Kelly was pretty sickly--didn't leave the hospital for a couple
of months, and didn't get held much. She spent her childhood years being
sick, or being sheltered from being sick, and so developed into a shy, fearful
child. To top that off, puberty came late, and her dad teased her cruelly
about her small breasts and her acne covered face, and shamed her every month
when she finally did get her periods. She wasn't given any accurate
information about sexuality, didn't know the correct terms for her genitals,
and wasn't given much guidance around boundaries.
She didn't fit in at school. She was smart, and excelled in school, but
that just earned her derision from her peers. And her parents somehow
overlooked the 7 As on the report card and asked about the one B, "What
happened here?"
The internet was a God-send for her. Here she could find friends. She could learn some social skills and not be hampered so much by the fact
that, "if they knew what I was really like, they wouldn't want to spend
time with me". Here was a place where she could avoid the shame death that
she had carried around just for being different.
And then she met you. You were smooth talking. You used words she
had never heard, could only imagine what they meant, and your words made her
feel funny between her legs. Good funny.....but funny
nevertheless. No one had ever told her about this. A part of her knew
she should not be doing this--she would certainly never tell her parents, as
then they would know how bad she was. But she liked this feeling. It must mean you love her. And YOU would never ask why she got a B! You would love her just the way she is, because you say such nice things about
her. And you liked her small tits. Maybe, just maybe, she was ok
after all. Maybe, just maybe, God hadn't made a mistake when God created
her. You became her salvation from all the years of shame and
degradation.
And then, you weren't there anymore. What did she do wrong? You
loved her and then you went away. All her maybes, all her hopes were
completely trashed. The others were right all along. She was just junk,
to be used and discarded.
I saw a picture of her....taken just after you dropped out of her world. Her smile had no joy....the eyes had no sparkle. Her severe, long sleeved
shirt was buttoned to the top. She made that vest in Home Ec. Her
teacher suggested she get a frilly blouse to go with it--Kelly said, "No,
that wouldn't be safe." She is no longer free to grow into her
feminine sexuality--you robbed her of that.
How old is she now? 14, 15, 16? What of those dreamy nights of puppy
love? Not for her. Yes, she seeks that funny feeling between the
legs--she now knows the words for that, but she knows she is too dirty to seek
that with her peers. She has been tarnished.
She tries hard not to succumb, but every once in a while she goes back to that
chat room. Maybe you'll be there, and everything she once believed will be
true. Or, if not, at least someone will be willing to talk dirty to her,
and she can remember the one time she truly felt cherished. And,
for her, cherished and used go together, and always will. And so, as she
grows up, she'll pick a partner who uses her, she'll be the overachiever at
work who can't say no, she'll work hard to be perfect so that she won't be
summarily shunned by everyone she meets. But she'll always have the
feeling that somehow she deserved the treatment she got, that God created her
to be abused, and that she will never be clean or worthwhile again. And
that, my friend, is the legacy you left her with, thanks to your using chat
rooms to get your fix.
And, if there were others, they too have stories. Spend some time giving
them a history, too. Maybe they are the children of your high school
sweetheart, or that coach you looked up to. Maybe they are your niece's
best friends. The internet doesn't make them less real--it just makes it
easier for you to objectify them.
And as long as you are doing that, the women and children in our society remain
at risk from you. Get to know Kelly. Put her picture on your
desk. She is real, and recognizing that is your way out of this
mess. Thanks for listening.
--Written by a survivor of sexual abuse.
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Do you Search the Internet?
I do. And I use Good Search for all my
searches - and earn a penny for Mary's Hope with each search. Since
January, we have averaged a little more than 500 searches for $5.18 per
month for Mary's Hope JUST BY SEARCHING THE INTERNET!
Do you buy
items online? From Amazon? Yahoo? eBay? Mary's Hope can get a
percentage of those sales as well - as much as 25% from eBay! There are
1500 stores, many that you know already. You have to shop
online...doesn't work in the store...but so far this year, we have
earned an average of $7.60 a month...not a huge amount, but hey, it all
helps.
So, won't you join me and use Good Search (powered by
Yahoo) to search the internet...and to shop online? It's painless and
nearly effortless. You simply add a Good Search toolbar to your
homepage...and every time you search, use the space provided. Mary's
Hope will be grateful! Do I have a goal? Sure, I'd love to do 10,000
searches this year.... But, I'd be happy to double what we are doing
now...that means 1000 searches a month.
Let me know if you'd like
to help with this tiny little fundraising project. Email me at maryshope@qwestoffice.net or
give me a call at 303-377-0293 and I'll help you get started.
And
a heartfelt thanks to all of you who are already helping Mary's Hope
using Good Search.
Sherry
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Mary's Hope Workshops
Executive Director
Sherry Niermann
303-377-0293
maryshope@qwestoffice.net
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