Mary's Hope Workshops August newsletter

by Elaine Oxenbury

So, how do you feed the good wolf? How do you travel towards the place of joy, peace, love, hope, serenity and all that other stuff? How do you get past the past?

For me, the first step was to acknowledge that I HAD a past. Many years of make believing that everything was fine had created for me the image of a "Father's Knows Best" past. I thought everyone lived bound by the unwritten and largely unspoken rules which said, "You can't trust your emotions", "Protect the family reputation at all costs", and " We don't talk about our problems". Until I was able to question the validity of that image of a perfect childhood, I was stuck.

Then, the harder work came. (At the time, I didn't think there COULD be HARDER work! ) I loving wolves

had to look back at my childhood through the eyes of my child within-a child I had abandoned before I started school. I knew her name, but I had to figure out how to spell it, as she had never learned that. I gave her big fat crayons, and let her draw and, yes, scribble about how she felt and what had happened. She told the big person in me what to write, and page after page of journaling ensued-from the pen of the original "She-Who-Does-Not-Journal." We spent hours and hours in the rocking chair, getting to know each other, and learning to love each other. I bathed my soul in healing music and returned time and time again to written resources which brought me hope.

I found a Spiritual Director, and a support group, and broke the "Don't tell" rule over and over again. The more I told, the less power that visceral rule held over me. I reclaimed my love of nature, where I had first met the Holy as a very young child. I surrounded myself with healthy friends who would love me no matter which wolf I was feeding, but who would also challenge me when I was being unhealthy. And, I am learning to be kind to myself when I fall back into old habits. I sometimes remember to celebrate when I learn new tricks-learn new, healthier ways to respond to triggers and stresses.

As I continue to do my healing work, I cling to the hope that one day, the good wolf will come to me without me having to consciously seek her out. And that the howls of the angry wolf will just be an occasional reminder of what once was, but is not now. That hope is the gift that Mary's Hope offers to the hurting of this world.