Managing Subtle Manipulation at Work

by Cynthia Clay, President, NetSpeed Learning Solutions

Imagine a scenario: Esther attends a conference and hears an expert, Raj Krishnan, speak on the topic of mobile learning. She's fascinated by his perspective on the future of mobile learning and interested in moving into this arena herself. Raj presented several compelling case studies featuring mobile learning projects he's completed with companies that Esther would love to work for. "How can I get him to notice me?" she wonders.

With her sights set on scheduling a meeting with this expert, Esther launches her strategy: link with Raj on social media, send him an email introducing herself and telling him how brilliant his presentation was, reach out to members of his team featured on his company's website to make sure THEY know that she thinks Raj is brilliant, and, finally, attend his next webinar and plug his new book to the other webinar attendees. "That should do it!" Esther thinks to herself. "I'm sure he'll want to meet with me. And from there, I can get him to introduce me to his clients."

Raj begins to realize that Esther is everywhere. She's sent him a LinkedIn invitation, signed up for his newsletter at his website, had phone conferences with two of his team members, and even proclaimed his brilliance at his last webinar. Raj's radar has started to go off. "I'm being stalked by this person," Raj thinks, "What in the world does she want?"

Peer Power: Transforming Workplace Relationships, by Cynthia Clay and Ray Olitt, addresses nine difficult behavior patterns that are frequently seen inside organizations (attackers, whiners, bullies, clueless colleagues, drive-by bosses, slackers, faux-smart bosses, scene stealers, and manipulators). Peer Power defines a manipulator as someone who attempts to influence the behavior or attitude of others through deception or secrecy. Pay attention to your internal radar if someone:

• Offers unusual favors or gives you gifts
• Flatters you or is unusually sweet
• Appeals to your sense of guilt
• Deceives you, or you begin to feel deceived
• Presents only positive reasons for an action with no balancing negatives
• Misrepresents or excludes data to support her position
• Whispers in your ear, sharing confidential information with you alone so that you feel privileged or flattered to be selected
• Asks a leading question that she already knows the answer to
• Asks for input when she's already made the decision
• Tells stories that are inconsistent

Someone who manipulates others has developed a low-power way of attempting to get others to do what she wants. Withholding the real reason for her actions or providing only the information that supports her position are two manipulative methods. Providing a service or doing someone a favor while expecting him to reciprocate is another manipulative technique. The unspoken assumption is that now "you owe me." People on the receiving end of these manipulative tactics feel wary and mistrusting.

There are two powerful principles that you can bring into these situations. The first principle is to Take Responsibility. That means that you should own the need to communicate openly, ask probing questions, flush out the manipulator's hidden agenda, and block the attempt to manipulate.

Taking Responsibility also means that you need to pay attention to your own hooks. If you have a need for approval, a manipulator will praise you to the heavens. If you have a need to be right, a manipulator will confirm your intelligence. If you have a need for recognition, a manipulator will leverage that by giving you public acknowledgement. If you love to ride in on a white horse and save the day, manipulators will see to it that you have plenty of opportunities to gallop to their rescue. Notice when you are being hooked and you are well on your way to avoiding manipulation.

The second principle is Extend Respect. This principle means that you allow someone who hopes to be rescued to solve his own problems. You also promote honesty in your conversations, setting ground rules for open communication.

What did Raj do? When Esther called his office to request a lunch appointment, Raj suggested that they talk by phone for 20 minutes instead. In that brief conversation, he prompted Esther to reveal her hidden agenda by asking her why mobile learning interested her, what types of jobs she found interesting, and what companies she was researching in her employment search. When Esther requested an introduction to his clients, he politely informed her that he wasn't in a position to make those introductions. But he did offer to send her the published case studies, already approved by his clients, to support her research on mobile learning. (When you get a manipulator to reveal her real agenda, you don't have to give her what she wants unless it also meets your needs.)

To learn more about how to use Peer Power to transform your relationships, watch this webinar recording.

To purchase Peer Power: Transforming Workplace Relationships, visit Amazon.com.

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Trainer Tips: Developing Talent for Organizational Results

by Cynthia Clay

ISA, The Association of Learning Providers, has published the book titled "Developing Talent for Organizational Results: Training Tools From the Best in the Field." Along with contributions from leading companies such as The Ken Blanchard Companies, DDI, Forum, Career Systems International and Zenger Folkman, the book includes a chapter from NetSpeed Learning Solutions, which contributed the material from the book Peer Power: Transforming Workplace Relationships by Cynthia Clay and Ray Olitt.

Cynthia Clay is President/CEO of NetSpeed Learning Solutions, a developmental learning solutions provider based in Seattle, WA. Their Peer Power skills training is targeted at organizations wishing to develop high-functioning work relationships at all levels.

Published by Pfeiffer and edited by Elaine Biech of ebb associates, the book brings together the combined knowledge and experience of training and development experts who belong to ISA, The Association of Learning Providers. Clay serves on the ISA Board of Directors.

Clay and Olitt's chapter, "Reclaiming Your Peer Power," provides a step-by-step approach and practical tools for assessing your interpersonal communication practices and avoiding common mistakes in your relationships with people at work.

The book has received accolades from leaders in business and learning. Mindy Meads, former Co-CEO of Aeropostale and former CEO/President of Lands' End, says it's "like having a million-dollar consultant sitting on your book shelf," and best-selling author Marshall Goldsmith says it provides "practical advice for achieving company goals and the tools to make it happen."

ISA, The Association of Learning Providers, founded in 1978, is the only industry specific association devoted exclusively to the issues and needs of business owners, founders, CEOs, and leaders in the training and performance industry.

The book is available in print and e-book formats. Learn more and purchase the book.