Defusing the Attacker

by Cynthia Clay, President, NetSpeed Learning Solutions

Many people completely shut down when they find they are in the metaphorical cross-hairs of an attacker. Attackers often resort to sarcasm, negative comments, yelling and cursing when they are thwarted in their aims. It feels personal because it is personal.  

Meet an Attacker

Meet Brittney, an Attacker who blew up the moment she was crossed. She often seemed to be in a hurry, under time pressure, and juggling multiple stressful priorities. Brittney frequently snapped at her kids, the clerk in the grocery store, the coffee delivery guy, her coworkers, and, even, her boss. In staff meetings, she rolled her eyes at any suggestion she deemed stupid or useless. When she was more relaxed, her attacks took the form of sarcastic comments disguised as humor. (Watch a short video to view an example of an attacker in action.)

At the last team meeting, as her manager, Pat, described the new benefits plan, Brittney swore under her breath and sighed heavily. It was clear to everyone that she was unhappy with the changes to the plan. When Pat stated, "This plan has a higher deductible; however, the preventive care coverage is much better than our old plan," Brittney snorted, "Yeah, right."

Take a look at a few clues that might identify the behavior of an Attacker. She often: 

• Uses name-calling
• Curses
• Uses sarcasm
• Blames you for problems
• Shouts
• Gives you dirty looks or rolls her eyes
• Teases you or jokes about your mistakes or weaknesses
• Sighs
• Mocks you
• Makes you feel guilty
• Stops interacting with you

While attacking behavior can be noisy, offensive, and annoying, it actually signals that the attacker feels powerless to change a situation that is thwarting her or not meeting her needs. While the behavior may not be constructive, beneath the attack lurks unmet human needs. Since many people shut down or back away when they are attacked, attackers often get what they want in the short run. In the long run, however, they generate resentment that can result in escalating conflicts at work.

There are two principles that can help you respond constructively to personal attacks: Take Responsibility and Build Relationships.

Take Responsibility 

• Be responsible by looking at your own contributions to the confrontation; take control of your experiences.
• Communicate in order to prevent attacks.
• Perform well: anticipate frustrations; meet the needs of others; model how to handle frustrations.
• Respect your needs through self-knowledge, stress management, and awareness of your rights.

Build Relationships 

• Network so people know you and are less likely to attack.
• Get input from others so they feel they have some control and are less likely to get frustrated.
• Seek shared solutions so others are less frustrated.
• Show compassion and empathy.
• Build self-esteem by acknowledging good results.

Notice that both of these principles assume that you want to work constructively with the attacker and you are willing to modify your behavior to get a more productive outcome. They assume that you will not attack back, but instead, you will apologize (if you made a mistake that triggered the attack), and listen well to the attacker's concerns. While you may not appreciate being attacked, you can still empathize with the stress an attacker might be feeling and you can assure the attacker that you want to find a mutual resolution to the problem. At the same time, it is completely appropriate to request that an attacker not swear, curse or yell at you. You can say calmly, "I'd like to hear what you have to say, but I find that I can't listen when you are cursing at me. Can we have this conversation without cursing?"

Speed Read Recommendation

27 Powers of Persuasion: Simple Strategies to Seduce Audiences & Win Allies

by Chris St. Hilaire with Lynette Padwa

Trainer Tips: Using Questioning Techniques to Challenge Assumptions, Open Up Contradictions, Gain New Knowledge, and Increase Wisdom

by Cynthia Clay

The use of questioning techniques has a long history in classroom instruction, going all the way back to Socrates. Effective facilitators use questions to challenge assumptions, open up contradictions, gain new knowledge, and increase wisdom. Educational research indicates that the use of questions is the second most popular training tool (second only to lecture).

There are a variety of reasons that trainers should rely on good questions when facilitating training: 

• To develop interest in the topic
• To motivate learners to become actively involved in the session
• To check on learners' readiness or preparation
• To review key concepts and summarize previous learning
• To stimulate thinking
• To nurture insights
• To develop critical thinking skills
• To encourage learning transfer

There are two types of questions that may be posed in the learning environment: lower cognitive questions and higher cognitive questions.

Lower cognitive questions include questions that probe for facts. They are usually closed, direct, stimulate recall, and check for knowledge.

Higher cognitive questions stimulate thinking. They may require the learner to combine information previously learned to create an answer, or they may require the learner to provide logical evidence. They are usually open-ended, encourage interpretation, may call for evaluation, require inference, or lead to synthesis of information.

Let's look at some questioning strategies that effective trainers employ:
  

Think about the types of questions that you currently ask in your training session. Reflect on whether these questions are both higher and lower cognitive questions. Ask yourself whether you are using a variety of questioning techniques. Then try one new questioning technique the next time you train.