Managing Manipulation
at Work

by Cynthia Clay, President, NetSpeed Learning Solutions

Manipulators are generally decent people who have adopted a strategy to get their way that is based on deception and secrecy.  Their friendliness, charm, and effusive praise may mask their attempt to influence your attitude or behavior. 

A Manipulator's Story

Meet Mariah, a manipulator who uses flattery to get people to do what she wants. Mariah is well-schooled in the manipulative arts which she learned at her mother's knee. "When you want someone to do something for you, look for things to praise and compliment first," her mother told her, "Then ask for what you want."  For Mariah, this approach to getting results is second nature. After all, what's wrong with praising people?

Mariah recently wanted to invite a published author to speak for her local professional association. To prepare the author for the invitation, she sent a friendly email telling him how much she enjoyed his latest book. She let him know that she had recommended his book to her friends and that she was so impressed she had written a review and posted it online. She followed up a few days later with a simple request for advice. After a few friendly emails back and forth with the author in which she continued to gush about his book, she finally hit him with her request: Would he be interested in speaking for her professional association next month?

Take a look at a few clues that identify the manipulator. She often:

• Offers unusual favors or gives you gifts
• Flatters you or is unusually sweet
• Appeals to your sense of guilt
• Deceives you, or you begin to feel deceived
• Presents only positive reasons for an action, with no balancing negatives
• Misrepresents or excludes data to support her position
• Whispers in your ear, sharing confidential information with you alone so that you feel privileged or flattered to be selected
• Asks a leading question that she already knows the answer to
• Asks for input when she has already made the decision
• Tells stories that are inconsistent

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with a friendly email exchange or an invitation to an author to speak. However, Mariah withheld her real request in an effort to curry favor with the author before she invited him to speak. She might call this behavior "greasing the skids," but someone on the receiving end is likely to mistrust the praise and feel manipulated.  To hear a manipulator in action, watch this short video at NetSpeed Fast Tracks.

There are two principles that can help you work with manipulation to bring out greater openness: Take Responsibility and Extend Respect.

Take Responsibility

• Be responsible for your own experience. Be aware of your own hooks and how you can be manipulated.
• Perform well. Do your homework.
•  Respect your needs. Become someone who can't be manipulated,
• Communicate and set ground rules.

Extend Respect

• Avoid rescuing behavior.
• Use good listening and questioning skills to encourage openness.
• Be a good listener -- pay attention to your gut/intuition.

It's possible to work collaboratively with someone who tends to manipulate. Sometimes you may have to call the manipulator on her lies or deceptions. Or course, you don't want to call her a liar, but you do want to ask probing questions and present additional information to clarify confusion. Encourage greater openness in your communication by exposing the manipulator's deceptive statements to the light of day.

The Rest of the Story

Mariah's flattery habit was a difficult one to address. Her coworker, Susan, steadfastly brought the principles of Take Responsibility and Extend Respect into their conversations. Susan asked clarifying questions whenever she felt that tingle of recognition that told her Mariah wanted something from her but was going about getting her way indirectly. She learned to ask, "Is there anything you haven't told me that I need to know to make a good decision?" She learned to state openly, "I'm not sure I've heard all the facts yet. What else do we need to know?" And she learned to invite Mariah to meet together with their boss to clarify confusion and miscommunication between the two of them.

Susan found that her consistent stand for direct communication reduced the amount of manipulative behavior she experienced with Mariah.

Listen to the audio recording to hear how to respond constructively when a manipulator deceives you.

This article is based on Peer Power: Transforming Workplace Relationships by Cynthia Clay and Ray Olitt. Read a sample chapter to learn about their mistakes they've made in their past communication practices.

Speed Read Recommendation

Crucial Confrontations: Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior

by Authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Trainer Tips: To Chat or Not To Chat?

by Cynthia Clay, President, NetSpeed Learning Solutions

That is the question for many new webinar facilitators. Web conference platforms (such as WebEx, Live Meeting, Adobe Connect, and Go To Training) often allow webinar participants to chat with everyone or chat privately with individuals. As a webinar facilitator you may be asking:  Should I disable chat so that I keep my participants' attention? Should I allow them to chat with each other privately? Would letting them chat with each other simply invite multi-tasking? How do I focus on my message without being distracted by people chatting?

Let's take these questions one at a time.

Should I disable chat so that I keep my participant's attention?

Disabling chat just means your learners now participate primarily through watching and listening. Enable chat to give your learners a chance to interact with you and their peers about the content. That's attention-getting.

Should I allow them to chat with each other privately?

I know it feels a little bit like passing notes in class. After all, you'll never be able to see what they are saying to each other. But take a risk here. Treat them like adults. Perhaps even create an exercise that requires them to chat privately with someone else in the web session. You'll be creating peer-to-peer learning.

Would letting them chat with each other simply invite multi-tasking?

I think it's better to invite multi-tasking by chatting WITHIN your web conference session than to bore the socks off them and guarantee that they'll multi-task by reading their (unrelated) email OUTSIDE your webinar. Trust me - getting them to engage through chatting is a great alternative.

How do I focus my message without being distracted by people chatting?

When people interrupt you during a face-to-face class session to ask a question, how do you respond? If the question is relevant, answer it aloud on the spot. If the question is not relevant, pass over it and stay on track. If you are presenting with a Host/Producer, invite that person to monitor chat along with you and point out relevant questions that you may have missed. Keep your session meaningful to learners by responding to their questions as they arise.

To chat or not to chat? Enable chatting and give everyone permission to chat publicly and privately. Then build your skill as a web trainer who weaves chat comments into your presentation.