 September 6th, 2011 I celebrated
5 years of continuous sobriety. 5 years ago I was sitting on a mattress on the floor of my apartment in East Vancouver where I lived with my cat. I was trying to get drunk by polishing off a 26 ounce bottle of vodka I'd purchased on my way home from work. There was also the 40 ounce bottle of vodka, unopened in the fridge- just in case I 'ran out'. I had barely eaten any food and had been up since 6am.
In those days I would start off my morning with about 8 shots of vodka before I got on the bus to go to work. I would also carry with me two 500ml bottles of 'mix' which was 2/3 sprite and 1/3 gin or vodka. Those I would sip on throughout the work day in secret and they would sustain me until I left work in the early afternoon. From there I would head straight to the nearest liquor store to refill my supply.
When ever I speak of my drinking years I always tend to focus on the last year as the worst. This is because at one point in my drinking I made a vow to myself that I would just let go, stop trying to fight it and control it and just drink all I want for a year and if it didn't kill me by the end of the year- I would. That was roughly Sept 6 2005. I was literally consuming at least an ounce of vodka or gin every waking 10 min for an entire year.
I would drink from the moment I woke up in the morning until the moment I went to bed and I would even have a cup beside me and take sips if I woke up in the middle of the night. I was vomiting in the mornings between sips of vodka. I had the shakes and sweats so bad that I quite literally needed to get about 4-6 shots in me before I could even function.
Astonishingly, I managed to hold down jobs which financed my addiction. I worked in the food industry and so could eat on the job, though I barely had an appetite. I always bought food for my cat and kept an apartment. I was just barely functioning in the public eye and kept mostly to myself. Behind the scenes, at night, I would go for long drunken walks up and down Kingsway alone, usually to the liquor store, and being in east Vancouver I did wind up in some very unfortunate situations that I miraculously survived; physically intact, but with my spirit and will to live, in shards.
I can still recall with great clarity my first experience with alcohol. I was 14 years old and was at a friend's birthday party. We raided the liquor cabinet and I was given a shot of something. I drank it eagerly and another girl, saying she didn't like the taste, offered me hers, which I also gladly and quickly consumed. As the alcohol took its effect I felt like I was being released from a prison. I felt my whole body relaxing and euphoria taking the place of the constant anxiety and tension I had been living with. I distinctly remember thinking - I have found heaven; its name is Alcohol and I need to get more. I consider that the beginning of my 10 year binge. From that moment on my life began to revolve around the finding, and consuming and controlling and hiding my precious drug that was my precious friend and my precious solution to the problem that was me. The problem soon became the world around me as people tried to intervene in my affairs. I withdrew and withdrew until I found myself alone with my bottle.
This brings me back to the evening of Sept 6 2006. Sitting alone and 'trying' to get drunk. I say trying because I quite literally had drunk so much alcohol it no longer had any effect on me. I could not drink enough to get any sense of relief to all the bottled up pain and shame inside me. It was at that moment it dawned on me that I had arrived at the end of my 'one year' free for all binge date. And there I was, still alive. I felt I could not go on any longer. I could not live with alcohol any longer and I feared I could not live without it. I had a vague thought that maybe a different drug like heroin might be worthy of a try; but I just didn't have the strength. King Alcohol had won. I began a half hearted attempt at suicide by swallowing some old antidepressants I found in a drawer that I was prescribed years earlier, that were supposed to help as though they weren't just drugs themselves. I took out a knife and began running it over my wrist without much pressure. Tears were streaming down my face. My cat let out a meow and I turned. I saw my cellphone on the mattress and something inside of me just gave way. I dropped the knife, picked up the phone and called for an ambulance. 'Please help me, I'm killing myself.'
At that moment of surrender my battle with alcohol ceased and my road to recovery began. I detoxed at my parents house in my old bedroom. I suffered severe hallucinations, lack of appetite, shakes, sweats and a desire to run away. But miraculously I never again experienced a desire to drink. I called around to detox centers and one person told me I ought to go out and have a drink; that with the amount of alcohol I'd been consuming I should not quit cold turkey - I hung up on him. I was shocked at my new reaction. I finally received a call back from a man named Tom who said there was a space available for me at Cedars.
I could write several novels filled with the details of how I've navigated the 'long hard road out of hell' to where I am today with 1,825 days of sobriety behind me. I look at recovery like a warriors path; filled with dead ends, traps, temptations, shady characters, distractions, peril and epic battles with inner and outer demons.
You really and truly do have to put your recovery, your sobriety, in front of everyone and everything in your life in order to succeed. Clear everything, build a strong, new, sober foundation and allow your life to grow back around it slowly and naturally.
I decided that as long as I'm changing my life, as long as I'm going to forge ahead into the great unknown, reborn into a new world sober and naked as a newborn (this is literally how I felt learning to live again sober for I'd grown up with alcohol as my pacifier to everything, numb to everything) I would do a thorough cleansing of myself and my life.
I follow the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and was deeply and actively enmeshed in recovery life. I did everything I was told to do and I did experience growth and results. I learned that addiction is a disease and my only solution is complete abstinence. I learned about the symptoms of alcoholism; that any alcohol entering my system will trigger my abnormal or allergic reaction causing an insatiable craving for more. That craving and consumption is beyond my control once triggered. The insanity of addiction or alcoholism is that one keeps going back to a drug or behavior that is clearly destructive.
Recovery is a life-long path. Mistakes are a vital part of growth and learning and because of the strong support system I had implemented around me as soon as I made my decision to live life sober, I was able to make those mistakes and continue on sober and slowly, one step at a time moving forward. Gradually I began to hear and trust my own voice of guidance within me, a healthy voice and began to follow my bliss and challenge myself to take part in activities that always interested me and that now I can enjoy and participate in knowing they are healthy for me and leading me to a future I will be proud of.
A large part of recovery for me has been learning that I have the power to build the life I want. I recognized that I had created my own form of self-sabatoge manifested by the criticism and opinions of others and learnt to trust my inner guidance. I realized that I would always turn to self destructive behaviors as a bizarre alternative to allowing my true self to shine; lest the shiny glare of my spirit offend others!? Addiction is truly cunning, baffling and powerful. Notably I've also struggled with and overcome serious self mutilation and anorexia. I also smoked cigarettes for 2 years in recovery, from which I am now 10 months clean. I believe all forms of addiction stem from the same source and manifest in different ways.
With alcohol out of my life I was able to slowly work through deeper issues and as I healed inside, all my 'symptoms' cleared up and my outer life began to change. I'll also note that I have worked steadily with a psychotherapist for my entire recovery, a component for me which has been invaluable and absolutely necessary.
I set a few goals for myself when I left treatment which were to reconnect with my family, to continue pursuing my art, which has served as a terrific form of self expression and healing, and to learn to dance. Just last month I received notable recognition in the Art Community, I also performed a solo dance routine in front of a room full of people and my family was there to watch.
Sober, I am able to be a sister to my brothers, a daughter to my parents, and a friend. I am able to show up for life today. In spite of all the struggles I've had and all the tears I've cried, all the confusion and awkwardness and endless amounts of patience required, there are simply no words to describe the rewards and joys of living life one day at a time on the path of recovery.
Addiction and the Healing Power of Art - A video compliation by Vicki Rae
To see more from artist Vicki Rae please visit: www.raveartgallery.ca
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