Making Whole (-body) Decisions

Recently I was presented with a difficult choice: go to an annual conference in April in La Crosse, Wisconsin or accept a six-day work project, starting the same week in Austin, Texas.  At a glance this may not seem like a tough call, but for me it was. 

I'd like to share how I made it and how listening to my body and "the opposition" within me helped me make a more "whole" and satisfactory decision.

I want to do that because I think our dominant culture in the US (hyper-masculine, linear, left-brain, logical, competitive) informs and constrains our "decision-making" (right-wrong, either-or) in ways that limit our wholeness.  Learning to free myself from this dominant culture way of deciding has opened me to more satisfaction, wholeness and authentic aliveness in my decision-making and decisions.  I'm hoping what I'm learning might serve you, too.

Cut to the Chase

So let me start at the roots--the etymological roots of the word "decide."  They trace back to the Latin verb decidere1 and the meanings "to cut, fell or slay" (think decision and incision, or decide and suicide).  Combined with the prefix de- ("down from"), we get "to cut away from, reduce" or "to fall down, to die."2  To decide, then, is to end the battle between two (or more) contestants, to settle a dispute.  A decision is a conclusion, determination, ruling, verdict or decree.

Can you smell the blood and the cold, sharpened steel?

When I looked up the antonyms for decide here's what I got: dither, falter, waver, and pause.  Seems we're either resolute terminators or wimpy flip-floppers.

I'd like to suggest there's ample room between those two poles.

Listening In

My decision was either to maintain momentum and deepen relationships in my race and social justice work (by going to my third White Privilege Conference (WPC)--this year in Wisconsin) or to help out my leadership development colleagues, have more of the work I love, and potentially increase my annual income this year (by accepting a six-day consulting project).

I'm learning to trust my body as an ally in decision-making.  My immediate "gut" hit is usually what I end up deciding to do.  In this case, it was to forego the conference and take the consulting gig.  I got a pretty strong "yes."  But there was a hitch: some part of me was dragging its feet.

Yes, IF...

A couple of years ago, with the help of my partner, Kathrin, I stumbled onto a way of making decisions or getting direction from within myself that I came to think of as the "Yes, If" method.  Here it is, boiled-down:

1.  Get clear on a goal, aspiration or potential new direction (Mine was to accept the 6-day consulting gig.)

2.  Ask your body, intuition, soul, higher power, guides for direction (For example, "Is it in my highest interest to pursue this direction?")

3.  Listen--to the body, inner voices, images that appear (For me it is usually a feeling and a voice: the feeling is my "Yes" or my "No" and the voice is often a "Yes, if...".)

4.  Act on your inner guidance.  Clear "Yeses" or "Nos" are rarer for me than the "Yes, if...".  I've come to see the "if" as my inner wisdom insuring that my decision is "whole"--that it includes and honors all of me.  Acting on both the "Yes" and the "If" keeps me in deep integrity with myself.

So, coming back to the "hitch" I mentioned, here's how the "Yes, if..." step came into play: 

When I talked through my decision with Kathrin, I noticed that it all seemed solid and sound, and that I felt some sadness or reluctance.  Probing a bit, I found that my feelings were about not getting to reconnect with some of the people I'd met at the prior two WPCs.  While I was pretty clear on my choice to take the consulting work, I was reluctant to let go of the chance to deepen those important new relationships.  In the past, this kind of inner dissent would have produced one of two outcomes: staying "stuck" in indecision or forcing a decision and then feeling "bad" about it.

"Yes, if..." gives me a third option.  It means trusting my "Yes" and listening to the inner voices of dissent.  I think of it as a "Yes, if..." because in my head it sounds something like, "You have permission to take the consulting gig if you also attend to your conference community relationships.  Another way to think of it is as a "Yes, AND" -- "Yes, take the consulting gig and honor your need to maintain or deepen these relationships."

Feel Good Moving On

Having listened to my body and my inner voice, I feel "good" about my decision to take the work project and forego the conference because I have also committed  to calling 3-5 of my WPC colleagues.  In this way I am keeping those relationships alive--erecting a bridge of connection that might span the gap of my missing this year's conference.  It so happens an anti-racism project I'm working on gives me the perfect "reason" to reach out to these folks and ask for a bit of help; and I can use that as a chance to find out how their year has been and share a bit about me, too.

Maybe it's my Italian-American heritage; maybe it's my personality type; maybe it's growing up in the US with it's iconic images of decision-makers who are either swift and certain or feeble and fumbling.  What- ever the reasons, for much of my life I've struggled with decisions and suffered (felt shame) over that.  Learning to trust my body and to listen to my inner dissent as guidance rather than blockage have helped immensely.  I'm making decisions with less effort, in less time and with more enjoyment of the process--not to mention feeling good about the choices I make!

1 From Wiktionary, an on-line, wiki-based, Open Content dictionary

2 From Online Etymology Dictionary, © November 2001