With the mostly unconscious intention of avoiding conflict and communication perceived as "bossy," women soften their requests. Remember, they've been wired for consensus and harmony. Direct requests sound demanding and rude to many women, so they avoid them. Consequently, men (and often some women) either feel manipulated or don't understand the point of the request, i.e., they don't "get it," basically rendering the query ineffective due to confusion, misunderstanding, or resentment.

In the office for example, a female boss (or male with feminine communication style) might say to her assistant (male or female), "It sure would be nice to have this report by 10:00." The assistant thinks, "Let's see, okay, yes it would be nice by 10:00 but I've got these other two things to do, so 10:30 will probably be acceptable." He or she proudly turns the report in by 10:30 to a very unhappy boss, and both are confused and upset. Both parties involved could have helped avoid this conflict and confusion.

First, the boss should be more direct when assigning a project. "I need this by 10:00, please. Thank you." Direct, clear, and polite with no rudeness or "bossiness." Second, the assistant should accept part of the responsibility and help clarify the deadline. "I've got these other two things to do by 10 am too, would 10:30 be okay?" Or, "I'm jammed with these other two projects; will you please prioritize them for me so I can be of the most help to you?" Conflict avoided, everyone's happy.

Another example is vague direction such as, "We've got to finish the Jones project." Clear direction is more succinct, "Meeting the Jones project deadline is our top priority and it needs to be complete by Friday noon. Please update me on your progress by 4:00 this afternoon. Thanks for your hard work!"

Indirect requests are also ineffective in personal situations. For example, a couple is driving along leisurely and the woman asks, "Are you hungry?" To her, she obviously said, "I'm hungry, let's find a restaurant and pull over for lunch." To him, she merely asked if he was hungry. He is not, so he answers, "No" or "Not really' in an innocent, unsuspecting, and perfectly polite way. Next thing he knows, she is quiet and mildly upset, and he has no idea why. He's in trouble for honestly answering a question.

If you want something, just say so, politely: "Honey, I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." He will be so relieved he doesn't have to try to decipher indirect innuendos! He won't feel manipulated. Yes, indirect communicators most likely have their hearts in the right place, but their words and intentions are not clear, resulting in ineffective requests and resentful recipients who feel confused or manipulated.

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