Many women and those with a feminine communication style often avoid and fear conflict due to biological and social wiring for harmony and consensus. They feel somewhat fearful and apprehensive about it, and often worry about the conflict after it takes place. Often they second-guess themselves, with questions like, "Will he be angry with me now?" "Did I just ruin my chances for the promotion?" "Do they think I'm a raving maniac after that last meeting?"

On the other hand, many men and some women handle conflict well and don't shy from it when they feel it is necessary to further their careers or protect their projects and "turf." Those that handle conflict directly usually have a masculine communication style. The key is to keep it on the acceptable side of 'directly

The conflict issue truly presents a fine line to toe for women. If they handle conflict indirectly, or avoid it, people (especially men, whose intuitive and people-reading skills are generally not as developed as women's) don't recognize that the conflict even exists. They can't read her mind...if she doesn't say anything or show discomfort or anger, how can they know anything is bothering her?

Another perception involves women being perceived as less credible because men often recognize when conflict should happen. They notice when she should stand up for herself, and when she lets something go, or if she doesn't speak up when a man would in a similar situation, she may be seen as a wimp.

A woman in one of my workshops told me, "When I came into work this morning my boss said 'Hi dear', so I said 'Hi honey' so he'd know not to say that." I cautioned her, "Uh oh, you just gave him permission. Most likely, he is not going to understand that you don't like him calling you 'dear'. He's not going to get it; he won't recognize a conflict exists. I suggest you say to him in a kind tone, 'Please don't call me dear' or 'I would prefer that you call me Jill' or 'I appreciate your intention, I know you're not trying to be offensive, but I'd rather you call me by my name please. Thanks!"

If women handle conflict very directly and firmly, then they're labeled bossy, bitchy, harsh, and witches. Here's where the fine line comes in. Handle it indirectly...it doesn't work or it backfires. Too directly...it blows up in your face. What do you do?

I recommend handling conflict directly but with compassion. Just like the example with Jill above another response might be, "I need your help with something, John. I work very hard to be taken seriously, and I don't want people to get the wrong impression by hearing others refer to me with terms of endearment. I know you don't mean to be offensive, and I appreciate that, but I'd really prefer that you call me Jane. Thanks for your help with this."