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Greetings!
Welcome to the July edition of GenderSmart Tips! This month's topic addresses a
long-standing gender style difference that women are especially aware of - eye
contact. I briefly explain why this difference exists and how to deal with it,
from both sides...masculine and feminine.
Enjoy and please pass along to
your colleagues and friends!
Additionally, I am thrilled to announce that I have
relocated back to my hometown in Southern Illinois to be closer to my family.
I've been here about 6 weeks and I'm very happy to be back! My horses are still
adjusting to an enormous increase in flies and humidity, but love having
more room for grazing and playing. Below is my new contact information. Please note that my email address, website, and toll-free
number remain the same.
PO Box
663, Mount Vernon, IL 62864; Phone (618) 204-5540, Fax (618) 204-5940, Toll-Free
(877) 343-2150.
Warm Regards,
Jane Sanders | |
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Eye Contact Differences
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And How to Work with Them
...by Jane Sanders
Well duh. Everyone knows there's a big difference in eye contact behavior between men and women. Generally speaking of course, like all the differences I talk about, this one is particularly challenging for women to understand and manage. Why? They feel ignored. Here's the deal:In our long-ago past, constant and steady eye contact between men was (and still can be) interpreted as a dare, a challenge, an intimidation tactic. Currently, strong eye contact from a man to a woman could be misconstrued as flirting. So the safest thing that men have learned to do is avoid eye contact. This difference has been centuries in the making and is not going to change overnight.Many parents tell me they often take their young son's chin in their hands to turn him to face them when talking with him. They don't need to do that with their daughters. It's deep in our wiring.Women are very eye contact oriented. They watch all aspects of a listener's facial expressions and body language. This whole-person perspective is part of what gives women their intuition and people-reading skills. They feel ignored when men don't establish this same eye contact behavior with them, and perceive men as not listening to them and avoiding a connection. Women generally use obvious active listening techniques and are used to the way they interact with people. So when men listen silently and passively, women can't tell if they are listening!Here's a few tips to help manage this challenging difference:
- First of all, it would help if women keep in mind that this is an evolutionary difference. Avoid assuming that the man is intentionally ignoring you or skirting connection.
- Men, understand how this style can be offensive and hurtful to women. Maintain eye contact with them, without staring them down. Break contact every once in awhile by looking down or over to the side for a second as if to be thinking about what she's saying. And think about what she's saying!
- Both men and women - Use active listening skills: repeat the others' words, rephrase what seems to be their key points, ask questions, demonstrate interest, nod your head, etc.
So, yes, I know everyone has heard all about this difference, but it still exists so the solutions aren't being put into practice widely. Hopefully these tips will help. Good luck!
Click here to read more Jane Sanders' Articles |
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GENDERSMART TIP
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Going Deeper Into Eye Contact
A couple more tips to help with communication and working relationships:
Women,
be strategic and selective when choosing the time to discuss an important matter
with someone who has this masculine style. Make sure he is free of distractions
and not involved in something else of importance to him. Accept that odds are he
will not give you the level of eye contact you are most comfortable with. Don't
quiz him at the end of your discussion, but do ask for his commitment to any
action you have agreed on.
Men, or women with this eye contact avoidance
style, be very aware of how you are being perceived and the messages your lack
of visible attention are sending. Do your best to dial up your eye contact and
active listening skills. Understand how important visual contact is to women and
respond accordingly.
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Quotes Of The Month |
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"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what
lives within us." ... Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Show me your horse and I will
tell you what you are." ... Old English Saying
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You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as
you include "By Jane Sanders, GenderSmart® Solutions, 877-343-2150, http://www.janesanders.com."
Contact Information
Phone: 618-204-5540 Toll-Free: 877-343-2150
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